All my life, I’ve thought there was someone out there for me. I wondered what he looked like, how he laughed, what his eyebrows did when he was annoyed. How kind he was, what his jokes would be. What we would do on Sunday mornings, what our traditions would become. Waffles and sunshine. Watching TV [...]
I’m done being okay with dating people who don’t really want to be with me. I’m done being okay with saying “Yes, I’ll have your kid even though you don’t want to marry me.” I’m done being okay when someone takes three years to say they love me. I’m just done being okay with the bullshit. To [...]
“We’re the sponges of the world.” Someone said this to me a few years ago, and the idea crawled into my cerebellum and made a nice home there. I suspect the idea even went to Ikea and got some brightly colored cushions and cheap furniture it couldn’t figure out how to put together. So it [...]
Differently. Is how. Which is intensely baffling when you tell someone you love them and they gaze blankly for a minute and then offer you a piece of fried chicken. They’re thinking, “Here is some love. In the form of sustenance for the body.” While you’re thinking, “That’s just chicken.” So you say you love [...]
1. Dating doesn’t need to be inherently dramatic. 2. Any persistent drama is cultivated by yours truly. 3. That said, if the only way I can get peace, blessed peace, is to stop dating altogether…SO BE IT. 4. The last time I was as patently uninterested in dating as I am now, it was 1986 and [...]
Layer One I dance perilously close to the edge of Bank Balance: Zero Dollars on a regular basis. I don’t have to do this. I could earn more. I could scale back. But tottering on the edge of zero is, oddly, my comfort zone. Despite the fact that it sounds NOT AT ALL COMFORTABLE, NOT [...]
Now that another week has passed into the annals of history, I have a few additions to my List o’ Things I Want in a Mate. Therefore: 12. A good match for me. Oh, so crucial. A person can be many wonderful things and just not the right one. It’s something to do with inexplicable [...]
My dating exploits are legendary. Mainly because I’m the only person I know who’s still single, so I totally have the market cornered. It’s easy to dominate the field when you’re the only one on it. I was out with some high school friends on Saturday night and, after giving this month’s rundown of romantic [...]
Psychic ability is said to be helped along by head injuries – especially if you clonk yourself in the center of the forehead. When I was in first grade, I fell face first into the sharp metal edge of a cafeteria bench, slicing myself under the left eye so blood poured festively all down the [...]
My thought processes are an ever-shifting harmonic convergence of festering doubt and mewling anxiety. The human brain is a wonder, marvelous in its ability to twist events into something so far removed from reality as to be unrecognizable. (Or to qualify, in certain notable and best forgotten incidences, as certifiably insane.) Since there is no [...]
