Let’s abandon all hope that this will be a coherently-themed post, shall we? Are everyone’s expectations in proper alignment? Excellent. Zen Masters in Tiny Packages A friend’s 5-year-old son has become my new guru. He likes to walk up to his parents and say, “I flick you!” while demonstrating his index finger prowess. His parents [...]
The extent of my oblivion is astounding at times. I was walking past the Civic Center on Sunday – a mere two days after my last day at work, I’m like a hardened art thief who can’t resist returning to the scene of the crime to stare at the empty wall and chuckle maniacally because [...]
My body is telling me something, but I have no idea what. For some reason, it revolts at the idea of sending me a nice email and prefers to send the message by forcing me to cling weakly to the cheese counter while the world condenses to the spots floating in front of my eyes, [...]
“So. You commute, huh? What do you do on the train?” Far Better Answers Than The One Actually Given: “I make voodoo dolls out of empty Pepsi cans.” “I systematically skin the seats to make myself a warm winter coat.” “I perform Satanic rituals with a black sweatshirt, a Bic lighter, and an indomitable will.” [...]
I quit my job on Friday. This announcement was heralded by the dulcet strains of a celestial choir and followed by a parade of liveried, baton-twirling orangutans. I wasn’t looking for a new job. Getting a new job wasn’t even a speck of shimmering dust on my personal event horizon. I wasn’t sending out carefully [...]
A coworker whose advice I was asking about a piece of paper – damn those pieces of paper and the need to figure out what to do with them! – offered to take care of it for me. “I need to go see Anna anyway.” He opened a drawer, grabbed a hot pink brush, and pulled it carefully through [...]
I contracted the plague on Friday. It masquerades as a common cold, but DON’T BE FOOLED. Due to my current status as disease incubator, I slept in today. As I was trying to drag my weakened carcass out of bed around 10 a.m., a homeless man passed by my window pushing his stolen shopping cart. [...]
“If it weren’t for this budget crisis, we’d love to find somewhere permanent to stuff you and keep you.” She paused. “Not to make you sound like taxidermy.” Yes, tomorrow is my last day here in CubeVille and though I did mock the water club a wee bit, I’ve enjoyed my time here and am sorry to [...]
There’s something warm and comforting about CubeVille – walking in at 9 in the morning, booting up my computer, getting a cup of tea, and logging onto my bank account, fat and satisfied after Friday’s paycheck. Yes. But like any small hamlet, CubeVille has its quirks. I feel bad eating crunchy vegetables. In case my wholesome snack of red [...]
[This post was written earlier today, during my two allotted breaks of ten minutes each. I tell you this in case your work ethic is offended. For the record, I too have a work ethic. For approximately the first three days of any new job. On the fourth it disintegrates and it's every internet connection [...]
