I love doing utterly random things. When those things include Super Official Science-y Guys telling me Super Official Science-y Things that are pretty much exactly what I want to hear, with free, practically-mandated wine afterward – well, all the better. Theory of Longevity, As Displayed by Worms, Some of Which Eat Fried Twinkies In the [...]
My ass has been well and thoroughly booted. I’ve taken this bikram yoga class four days in a row now, and after each one I stagger out of the room, scarlet of face and dripping of body, and proceed to stare blankly at the row of lockers, wondering where I am and what exactly just [...]
The funeral was lovely. We stuffed the deceased with cornbread and brined it in booze. I should mention that my use of “we” is somewhat misleading, as all I did was nap and demand more hot chocolate. I also played Scrabble with my mom, something I enjoy because she lets me get away with words [...]
You know your dietary standards are slipping when you walk into the kitchen at work, see a large chocolate sheet cake, and think, “Ooh! Breakfast!” One unexpected downside to letting myself eat whatever I darn well please for a few months is I start thinking traitorous thoughts like: “Maybe a lean cut of chicken and [...]
Going to a two-hour dance class when you 1) have been sick for the past week, 2) haven’t danced in a year and a half, and 3) haven’t done ANY real exercise in the past year and a half, come to think of it, and why are my muscles so floppy and wizened? is possibly stupid. Or [...]
When I was four, I had the great honor of being a flower girl. According to my mother, I was so excited that I gave myself a fever. Yes, I actually made myself physically ill from the glee of wearing a flouncy dress. She thought I’d be kicking up my little patent leather heels at [...]
If you’re dithering over whether or not to buy that felt mustache you’ve been eyeing, I highly recommend whipping out the Mastercard. Villians, cads, and scoundrels. I had a small, informal housewarming party last week. Small because if I put on a full-blown bash, guests would have to come in shifts. Informal because I invited my friends over [...]
What you don’t want to hear when you walk into work with new hair: “Did you lose a bet?” My hair is now very, very blonde. In fact, I kind of look like this. Only more yellow. And less male. Speaking of awesome yellow things, did you know that you can make fried chicken with [...]
In my world, friends mean food. Only with less implied cannibalism. But, really, doesn’t everything mean food? Finish a paragraph, have a snack! Vacuum the rug, eat a cookie! Organize the closet, why you deserve a wheel of cheese! I try to convince myself that fancy tea is food so I can avoid weighing five [...]
Belching adds an easy panache to any conversation. Any conversation not taking place with a possible employer or an aging aunt, that is. If I could instigate a belching contest with anyone, it would be Angelina Jolie. I bet that woman can let rip a sound designed to make gassy giraffes quake in fear. As [...]
