I enjoy telling people I have the neck of a swan and the eyes of a mole. I don’t really have the neck of a swan – unless swans are notable for tendons that pop alarmingly when they grin with enthusiasm and I’m not convinced swans ever grin with enthusiasm, any more than the Queen Mother [...]
I lost my job last week. Being me, this has set off a fresh batch of noisy lemurs in my head. Some are lolling about smoking pipes and making random gestures with their little paws, some are fighting rabidly, some are donning wire frame glasses and sharpening pencils.
Mostly though, the lemurs are discussing if I [...]
I don’t have much of a career. As someone who busted her tail in high school and achieved every goal she laid out for herself until the age of 18 (make the dance team for the profound honor of bouncing around a stage in a pouffy silver hat, get into a good college, pass geometry [...]
I’m quite fond of my walls. (Um, my emotional walls. Not the actual walls of my apartment. Though I’m quite fond of those too.) They’re like the hard chocolate shell around the creme filling of a Cadbury egg. If Cadbury eggs were covered in jokes instead of chocolate. (Don’t you love it when you attempt a simile only [...]
I don’t make a lot of money. I never have, except for a five month stint in corporate America after college where I wore an itchy suit and chewed up pillows in my free time because I hated life so much. Eventually I picked the goose feathers out of my teeth, handed in my resignation, [...]
Chex Mix Bold Party Blend? Is crack. For weeks (or maybe just minutes, that’s how crack-like this stuff is) my dealer was on strike. Meaning Safeway inexplicably stopped carrying it. I was about two days away from concocting my own blend of cumin, garlic powder, and MSG and injecting in straight into my veins via [...]
I applied for a side job writing a column for a small indie magazine. After making some nice comments about my writing and gearing up for the inevitable thanks but no thanks, they hit it home:
“We need someone a lot more flippant and drag-queeney in their perspective than you appear to be.”
I’m sorry to inform [...]
Yesterday afternoon, we were hiking with the dog and discussing my latest creative endeavor. Also known as “my latest exercise in idiocy” or “Why is the alarm going off at 7:00 a.m.? Who are you and what have you done with the girl who used to sleep here?” The dog has very specific ideas about [...]
I just finished my first short story. My first finished work of fiction since I forged that note about a “cold” to get myself out of ninth grade Algebra. I pranced out of the kitchen to declare my mastery of the English language to anyone who would listen (the dog totally ignored me, by the [...]
I woke up this morning thinking about the definition of aplomb. Dreaming about dictionaries is either a good sign or a bad one, but I don’t give any consideration to signs until after my second cup of coffee. And by the time I’ve had two cups of coffee, I’m too wired to care.
I didn’t know [...]
