Archive for the 'Uncategorized' Category

Luckily, I’m OK With Vanity

Friday, October 3rd, 2008

A coworker whose advice I was asking about a piece of paper – damn those pieces of paper and the need to figure out what to do with them! – offered to take care of it for me. “I need to go see Anna anyway.” He opened a drawer, grabbed a hot pink brush, and pulled it carefully through [...]

If God Really Is a Big Chicken, Colonel Sanders is Screwed

Friday, August 22nd, 2008

You know your dietary standards are slipping when you walk into the kitchen at work, see a large chocolate sheet cake, and think, “Ooh! Breakfast!” One unexpected downside to letting myself eat whatever I darn well please for a few months is I start thinking traitorous thoughts like: “Maybe a lean cut of chicken and [...]

Power of the Semicolon

Thursday, July 24th, 2008

Am I the only one who thinks it’s unbearably hot when someone uses a semicolon correctly? Maybe this predilection is because I don’t trust myself to put those charming sentence separators in their proper place, so if I see one that looks right, I have to stop and fan myself weakly. Like when you watch [...]

Wallowing in Maturity. (Also Known As “Rampant Self-Deception.”)

Tuesday, July 15th, 2008

I’m not terribly demure about birthdays. I send out reminders two months prior and badger people with demands. Demands like a bullhorn and a tall building, so I can climb to the top and bellow: “TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY. I REQUIRE A TIARA.” When the tiara arrives, I hand it back with a curt shake [...]

All This To Say, I Haven’t Done Anything Social Since Monday (Insert Squawking Chickens Here)

Wednesday, June 18th, 2008

When I was a kid, I thought true success meant rising to the top of your field, raking in wads of cash, and vacationing on a tropical island named after you. (Or your dog, if you’re the modest type.) Now, I realize that success really means eating broccoli, exercising regularly, and being able to find [...]

Brain Wants Mac and Cheese

Monday, June 16th, 2008

When I was four, I had the great honor of being a flower girl. According to my mother, I was so excited that I gave myself a fever. Yes, I actually made myself physically ill from the glee of wearing a flouncy dress. She thought I’d be kicking up my little patent leather heels at [...]

When Soup Becomes a Questionable Metaphor

Thursday, May 22nd, 2008

If you tell me something, I will believe you. I think it’s good to take folks at their word, it breeds a general faith in humanity - and helps you avoid turning into a bitter, withered crone who glowers at toddlers and hits puppies with her cane. But maybe I should stop assuming someone else is right at the expense of [...]

I Was Born a 53-Year-Old Schoolmarm in Support Hose

Friday, May 9th, 2008

Years in a relationship will really suppress the flirting instinct. Ha! I give myself way too much credit. I never had a flirting instinct. I’d rather be writing a large check to PG&E while sitting in a gynecologist’s waiting room than step into an elevator and discover there’s a cute guy already in there. So let me tell you [...]

This Post Guarantees I Will Be On Death’s Front Stoop By Tomorrow

Monday, March 17th, 2008

I spent the weekend feeling consumptive. It might have been scarlet fever. Or maybe the bubonic plague. Or maybe I just veer toward the dramatic because “quarantined without so much as a ladies’ maid” sounds much better than “tired and spent half the weekend snoring.” Which I did. It was lovely. I’ve been fighting a [...]

Memories of College in Manhattan: Part 2

Wednesday, March 12th, 2008

(Part 1 is here.)  I make Rice-a-roni at 2 a.m. on a freezing February night. Our dorm’s poor ventilation becomes clogged with smoke that may or may not have poured from my pan. The fire alarm goes off and everyone troops out into the cold, grumbling. The firemen come. I grumble along with everyone else and hope [...]