A coworker whose advice I was asking about a piece of paper – damn those pieces of paper and the need to figure out what to do with them! – offered to take care of it for me. “I need to go see Anna anyway.” He opened a drawer, grabbed a hot pink brush, and pulled it carefully through [...]
You know your dietary standards are slipping when you walk into the kitchen at work, see a large chocolate sheet cake, and think, “Ooh! Breakfast!” One unexpected downside to letting myself eat whatever I darn well please for a few months is I start thinking traitorous thoughts like: “Maybe a lean cut of chicken and [...]
Am I the only one who thinks it’s unbearably hot when someone uses a semicolon correctly? Maybe this predilection is because I don’t trust myself to put those charming sentence separators in their proper place, so if I see one that looks right, I have to stop and fan myself weakly. Like when you watch [...]
I’m not terribly demure about birthdays. I send out reminders two months prior and badger people with demands. Demands like a bullhorn and a tall building, so I can climb to the top and bellow: “TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY. I REQUIRE A TIARA.” When the tiara arrives, I hand it back with a curt shake [...]
When I was a kid, I thought true success meant rising to the top of your field, raking in wads of cash, and vacationing on a tropical island named after you. (Or your dog, if you’re the modest type.) Now, I realize that success really means eating broccoli, exercising regularly, and being able to find [...]
When I was four, I had the great honor of being a flower girl. According to my mother, I was so excited that I gave myself a fever. Yes, I actually made myself physically ill from the glee of wearing a flouncy dress. She thought I’d be kicking up my little patent leather heels at [...]
If you tell me something, I will believe you. I think it’s good to take folks at their word, it breeds a general faith in humanity - and helps you avoid turning into a bitter, withered crone who glowers at toddlers and hits puppies with her cane. But maybe I should stop assuming someone else is right at the expense of [...]
Years in a relationship will really suppress the flirting instinct. Ha! I give myself way too much credit. I never had a flirting instinct. I’d rather be writing a large check to PG&E while sitting in a gynecologist’s waiting room than step into an elevator and discover there’s a cute guy already in there. So let me tell you [...]
I spent the weekend feeling consumptive. It might have been scarlet fever. Or maybe the bubonic plague. Or maybe I just veer toward the dramatic because “quarantined without so much as a ladies’ maid” sounds much better than “tired and spent half the weekend snoring.” Which I did. It was lovely. I’ve been fighting a [...]
(Part 1 is here.) I make Rice-a-roni at 2 a.m. on a freezing February night. Our dorm’s poor ventilation becomes clogged with smoke that may or may not have poured from my pan. The fire alarm goes off and everyone troops out into the cold, grumbling. The firemen come. I grumble along with everyone else and hope [...]
