My mother has the fluffiest cat in all existence. This thing looks like she belongs on the Arctic tundra. Or is a displaced feline czarina accustomed to riding through Moscow in a specially-built carriage, luxurious pelt obscuring her diamond collar. Rather than a spoiled house cat from Willow Glen. To her credit, Gracie (Her Royal [...]
Merry Whatever You Happen To Celebrate, Even If That Happens To Be Satanism, For Satan Worshippers Always Look a Little Sad and Scrubby and Probably Need a Hug. Not to imply that any of you are Satan Worshippers. But if you are, that’s just fine! Welcome! Would you like a hug? My ghetto holiday card [...]
Large bird brined in booze and butter: check. Brother who believes I’m not sufficiently enlightened to properly enjoy his wisdom, wisdom that seemed primarily composed of Tecate drinking and imitating Stevie Wonder at the piano: check. Admiration for the charm that convinced people to fetch him more Tecate: check. Greater insight into the genetic origin of [...]
Most of this morning was spent sitting at my desk, trying to figure out how I could pull the blanket all the way over my head without losing my ability to type. Or hopping up to see if the heater was broken. (It’s not.) When my transgendered Oliver Twist/Little Match Girl routine got old (especially [...]
Every holiday season there comes a moment when I chuck my eat sensibly/exercise daily routine and drop myself into a vat of brandied hot chocolate dotted with caramel popcorn. Yesterday marked this year’s official vat drop, directly coinciding with the realization that I couldn’t move my back or anything attached to it without feeling like [...]
After waking up in the haze that signals either dawn or the Apocalypse for my drive to the Alameda courtroom, I promised myself a reward if I could get through the ordeal that is traffic court. I redacted the “gracefully” section of that sentence after realizing I’d left my coffee on the kitchen table. I [...]
I’m five days behind on my advent calendar. Apparently, I have no real incentive to open those little paper doors promptly if I’m not rewarded with chocolate. Dwarves dressed in glitter and squirrels hurling pine cones are appropriately festive, but they aren’t edible and are therefore low on my list of priorities. But I’m all [...]
The funeral was lovely. We stuffed the deceased with cornbread and brined it in booze. I should mention that my use of “we” is somewhat misleading, as all I did was nap and demand more hot chocolate. I also played Scrabble with my mom, something I enjoy because she lets me get away with words [...]
Yesterday afternoon I hiked up to my favorite tree. Yes, out of all the trees in the world, I have chosen a favorite. It’s a very nice tree, with a perfect hollow for sitting and thinking and escaping the outside world. Its bark is rough but not prickly, which I’m sure you’ll agree is crucial [...]
I’m almost (almost) glad to go to work this morning. It will give me the chance to dry out a little. My liver is a withered husk of its former self and wishes for nothing more than a week of lemon water and tender coddling. Memorial Day Weekend means a lot of drinking during the [...]
