My brother thinks I use too many big words. Probably because I was calling him petulant at the time. He was then reminded that petulant is a mere three syllables, and perhaps his protestation was a bit…petulant. Then he made many libelous assertions about my character and we merrily mocked one another until asked to [...]
Last time I played tennis was ten years ago and that was only because a friend’s cute older brother promised to “help me with my serve.” Sadly, all he did was help me with my serve, but apparently lessons from cute boys stick because my serve is still pretty damn good, if I do say [...]
My hands have been threatened with oven mitts and duct tape at least four times today. Possibly because the slight poison oak welt I contracted in Big Sur (not leprosy! this was a great relief, as I enjoy my limbs and would prefer to keep them) has proven very enticing to my fingernails. There’s nothing [...]
I am exhausted. For no apparent reason. I have theories ranging from physical (staying up til 2 a.m. and Jillian Michaels’ coven of perky sadists) to emotional (“you want to be self-employed? how sweetly misinformed you are. now get over there and apply to some wretched temp job”) to psychosomatic (“can you catch black magic? [...]
Bikram, the dude who likes to do yoga in 110 degree heat, says “Come every day for the next 2 months and I will give you a new body, a new life.” All I got from Hot Yoga: Day One was a wicked headache and another parking ticket to pay, but I remain ever the [...]
I danced from the age of 13 all the way through college. I picked it up again at 24 and danced until I was 28. I performed. You could even say professionally, if you want to classify “they occasionally gave me money” as professional. Minus objective judgment and the ability to step outside my body [...]
My body is telling me something, but I have no idea what. For some reason, it revolts at the idea of sending me a nice email and prefers to send the message by forcing me to cling weakly to the cheese counter while the world condenses to the spots floating in front of my eyes, [...]
One of my greatest joys in life used to be cranking up my stereo to the level known as Makes Dogs Howl In Six Counties, and dancing around the house like a loon. In fact, when I was about 16, I put a hefty scar on my left hand by jumping onto my mom’s bed, [...]
Going to a two-hour dance class when you 1) have been sick for the past week, 2) haven’t danced in a year and a half, and 3) haven’t done ANY real exercise in the past year and a half, come to think of it, and why are my muscles so floppy and wizened? is possibly stupid. Or [...]
I can smell the mold growing in my airless shaft of an apartment. It’s a bit disturbing, and I would be on my hands and knees scrubbing out every last spot, only I’ve declared myself patron saint of Those Who Watch Buffy The Vampire Slayer While Snuffling Feebly Into a Napkin Because All The Kleenex [...]
