Because I’m a glutton for punishment, I’ve decided to leverage my break-up into a new apartment and a new job. I’m all about life renovation over here. I might even start eating broccoli. With job interviews come probing questions. Like “Are you in the habit of roasting your coworkers with olive oil and fresh rosemary if [...]
I wouldn’t be surprised if somewhere on my ancestral tree there was a family of smug crocodiles who, between delicately chewing up small dogs and discussing the works of Edgar Allen Poe, laugh delightedly amongst themselves at the legions of humans made scaly by their crocodile genes. Suffice it to say, my skin is really [...]
“So. Are you getting married?” I always wondered what it feels like to have your brain leak out your ears, drip down your arms and puddle on the floor in a sticky pile. Now I know. It feels not unlike having your stomach turned inside out and jabbed with a pencil while you sit awkwardly [...]
I was walking home today when I spotted a dollar drifting in the weeds next to the highway overpass. Homeless people tend to congregate there, so my first thought was that someone else could use that dollar far more than I could. I kept walking. Until I remembered yesterday. Jemima and I were walking to [...]
I just finished my first short story. My first finished work of fiction since I forged that note about a “cold” to get myself out of ninth grade Algebra. I pranced out of the kitchen to declare my mastery of the English language to anyone who would listen (the dog totally ignored me, by the [...]
I woke up this morning thinking about the definition of aplomb. Dreaming about dictionaries is either a good sign or a bad one, but I don’t give any consideration to signs until after my second cup of coffee. And by the time I’ve had two cups of coffee, I’m too wired to care. I didn’t [...]
If there’s a national shoe shortage, I’ll come out swinging. All other problems will be met with a blank stare.
Last night, I wallowed in my crisp, white sheets and contemplated ways to convince the dog to fetch me ice cream from the corner store. The dog showed marked reluctance to get off her duff and help out around the house. Part of me realized that this is not the dog’s job. Most of me [...]
Stare blankly at the dollar bill you’ve just been handed. Be informed that it’s not for you, it’s for the girl on stage who’s actually earning it. (Because anyone who can do that with nipple tassles deserves a dollar.) Register your suspicion that the owner of the dollar bill really wants to do it himself [...]
Walk down the hall, pass the elevators, and open the bathroom door. Poke your head in and look both ways. Check occupancy by peering under the stall doors for feet. Determine desertion. Walk to the mirror, face yourself, and crank up your ipod to a suitable song. (May I suggest “Bang a Gong (Get it [...]
