After much hullabaloo concerning the sheets, where I might have mentioned someone’s preference for crisp and ironed, our hostess decided she’d taken enough crap from the ungrateful people who ate all her ice cream:
“They’re not pressed, they’re not fluffy, they don’t match. But FUCK YOU! THEY’RE TOWELS!
…Welcome to Vashon.”
1. How is it possible for a woman’s mascara to remain unsmudged as she drowns in a Venetian canal?
2. How do you always have the exact piece of technology you need at the exact time you need it, yet you’re never wearing a tool belt or dragging a rolling suitcase stuffed with tracking devices and [...]
Christmas shopping can be challenging when most people on your list don’t hanker for material things. I do not understand this mentality, the one that says, “I don’t really see the need for cashmere sweaters, diamonds or ponies.” This type of thinking renders me speechless. But I wasn’t going to get you cashmere or diamonds [...]
I was just sitting here, minding my own business, staring at this big blank wordpress box, the one that says, “You only have 6 hours and 45 minutes to type something into me before you have TOTALLY BLOWN NaBloPoMo, and aren’t you ashamed of yourself for only making it five measly days?” when something utterly [...]
Response to Someone Who Tells You She’s Participating in NaNoWriMo: “I was going to do that! But I’m not crazy.”
Caring for a Small Hungry Chinchilla: Wait until 11 p.m. Drive 15 minutes to where the chinchilla is. Get out of the car. Walk to the door. Realize you left the house keys at home. Drive [...]
Stare blankly at the dollar bill you’ve just been handed. Be informed that it’s not for you, it’s for the girl on stage who’s actually earning it. (Because anyone who can do that with nipple tassles deserves a dollar.) Register your suspicion that the owner of the dollar bill really wants to do it himself [...]
Rule 1: Climb on. Maintain dignity after discovering that your jeans were easier to sit in two barbeques and six desserts ago.
Rule 2: Wrap your arms around the driver’s waist. Try to mask the fact that you’re clinging for dear life.
Rule 3: When the driver smiles at you in a jaunty manner before careening directly [...]
Walk down the hall, pass the elevators, and open the bathroom door. Poke your head in and look both ways. Check occupancy by peering under the stall doors for feet. Determine desertion. Walk to the mirror, face yourself, and crank up your ipod to a suitable song. (May I suggest “Bang a Gong (Get it [...]
