I woke up Sunday morning feeling like I’d rather skydive naked from the roof of the Transamerica Building than do what I had planned for that morning. “But I can’t exercise,” I stated matter-of-factly (where stated matter-of-factly = whined piteously). “I have a hangover.” An eyebrow rose. “Any port in a storm, eh?” Hmph. I [...]
Our next door neighbor, the man who adores our dog and watches her when we’re away, was on an episode of Mythbusters a few weeks ago. I think he was explaining canvas. I’m not sure how much explanation canvas really needs, but I should probably shut my trap. Since I’m not an authority on anything [...]
On Saturday, I helped two friends move from their small house to their new, larger house. I was only 45 minutes late. I consider this an accomplishment of astonishing magnitude. In fact, I would like some applause. Go ahead, I’ll wait. A staggering number of people showed up to stack and drag and maneuver. When [...]
In my world, friends mean food. Only with less implied cannibalism. But, really, doesn’t everything mean food? Finish a paragraph, have a snack! Vacuum the rug, eat a cookie! Organize the closet, why you deserve a wheel of cheese! I try to convince myself that fancy tea is food so I can avoid weighing five [...]
The Princess of Negativity is relinquishing her title. Legal requirements include: shutting my yawp, undergoing an attitude renovation, and ceasing to refer to myself in the third person. My brain rebels against such blatant manipulation, but my teeth are pleading with me to preserve the remaining nubbins of enamel in my clenched jaw. Phase One: [...]
This is Schnozz. That’s me on the right, molesting a pineapple: I met Schnozz here: I spend inordinate amounts of time staring at this glowing, gray box. Whenever I open the laptop, the dog heaves large, breathy sighs because she knows all my love is being siphoned off her and straight to bloggers I’ve never [...]
Behold my beautiful new web site. I had nothing to do with it. Schnozz designed and implemented and tore out large chunks of hair while I sat at my computer eating bonbons and yelling “More shoes!” “Smaller font!” and “Stop giving me lip, woman!” She should know better than to do nice things for me. [...]
“Is there anything more romantic than a midget wedding?” I wanted to share this with you, dear readers, all two of you, my mother and maybe someone else, because it is perhaps the most entertaining sentence I’ve read all day. Then I remember my lovely friend who’s getting married. She’s a little on the short [...]
Unafraid to call a coworker “a fucking moron,” this brave pioneer of the first amendment is now updating his resume. He is also known for a concise diatribe on certain actions of mine that could be dubbed “poor judgment.” Nice to know you have friends who don’t hesitate to call it as they see it [...]
A certain Mission-dwelling marathon runner recently got drunk, passed out on his guitars, sent one sailing through the window and split his lip when crashing down onto the leftovers. I have just this moment received an email from him informing me that he is dead. I’ve never gotten an email from beyond the grave before. [...]
