Realizations, As Relate To My Current Dating Hiatus
Posted by Moose on June 15th, 2010. Filed under: My Brain Needs a Drink.1. Dating doesn’t need to be inherently dramatic.
2. Any persistent drama is cultivated by yours truly.
3. That said, if the only way I can get peace, blessed peace, is to stop dating altogether…SO BE IT.
4. The last time I was as patently uninterested in dating as I am now, it was 1986 and I was eight years old.
5. Generally understood dating principle: Like draws like.
6. This insidious principle seems to be guiding me toward wanting to become a better person so I can find the kind of person I want.
7. Logic which seems both flawed and totally valid.
8. This is understandably confusing.
9. Yes, waiting until you’re perfect to let yourself have something you want is simply setting yourself up for a really, really long wait.
10. But I want someone who embodies certain principles that I don’t currently embody myself. It doesn’t seem fair to expect qualities in my date/mate that I don’t possess.
11. We’re always growing and changing, so maybe I should let it be OK that I’m not perfect and hope I find someone who grows and changes with me?
12. Maybe?
13. I have a sense that I’d like to become more…me before I find someone. Because it will result in a better match.
14. Does that make sense?
15. No?
16. Damn it.
17. All this is more indicative of stalling than any kind of devotion to valuable dating strategy.
18. But I can’t shake the feeling that it’s not the right time.
19. Which means it’s not the right time.
20. So I should just stop thinking and return to my Enjoy My Life Until I Want To Date Again policy.
21. My brain doesn’t like this plan because it means I won’t be slavishly devoting energy to listening to its whirling dervish upheaval.
22. Sorry, brain. Better luck next time.
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June 15th, 2010 at 5:13 pm
I think #13 makes SO much sense!! My husband and I got married 11 months after we started dating, and while I still believe we are totally right for each other, it would be a lot easier if I had known more about who I was/am/will be.
June 15th, 2010 at 6:37 pm
Totally understand! This really resonated with me so thank you for sharing it.
June 15th, 2010 at 6:51 pm
I think you’re spot on with #10 and, in my experience, striving for #11 is the best strategy. One of the shocks of my adult life is how much I keep learning and growing. I kind of thought I would plateau after a certain point. But, while my learning curve isn’t as STEEP as it was during my (dumb-ass) 20s, it’s runs a lot deeper (if that makes sense). Anyway, if you find someone who’s as interested in growing as you are, you’ll have an amazing lifelong journey. [Dear Universe: Please let this lifelong-growing someone fall out of the sky for Moose in the not-so-distant future. Thank you for your attention to this matter.]
June 15th, 2010 at 6:58 pm
Lists make me happy. As does this post.
(As does your full feed. HOORAY!)
June 15th, 2010 at 11:31 pm
FULL FEED. PRAISE THE LAWD.
I love this post. I constantly have to remind myself on #1, not for dating, but for life in general.
June 16th, 2010 at 7:27 am
Absolutely it makes sense. I did the same thing. I wanted a man that did things I didn’t do . . . yet. And somehow it worked. There is nothing wrong with wanting to date a man who will have qualities you would like to have or develop in near future. You can’t date someone who will bring you down. Rise to the occasion. Good for you for listing out what you want and waiting. It works. I swear. Be patient. You deserve to be happy.
June 16th, 2010 at 8:27 am
Your list totally makes sense – although definitely don’t force yourself to be perfect before you start dating again – just date when you feel ready, imperfections and all. A good partner will love you because of and in spite of those imperfections. I’ve been married three and a half years, and I’m just now realizing how very deeply flawed I am. Being with my husband makes me want to be a better wife, and, ergo, a better person, just as being with me makes him want to be a better husband (and a better person). We all keep striving towards perfection, even though we’ll never get there. But having someone to strive for and with (including, eventually, children) makes that desire all the more important – it’s not just my own life I’m improving, I’m helping to improve the lives of those I love.
June 16th, 2010 at 10:35 am
I think I understand completely. I think for YEARS, I was like “oh, NOW I’m ready to find my mate and get married and have kids.” But honestly, I really think that has only happened recently. Not that I am currently exactly who I want to be, but I am at a place where I’m comfortable and ready and willing to be with someone.
June 16th, 2010 at 11:54 am
This is one of those times when I truly think you must be my brain trying a drastic new form of communication in order to get through to me.
Which sort of ruins #22 … nice try brain!
June 16th, 2010 at 4:19 pm
You’re the perfect you. Perfect as you are right this very minute.
Yes, it’s OK to be dissatisfied with where you are, to want more for yourself. But today’s perfect you is the one who recognizes that and will work toward making it happen. You don’t need to hide in a dark cave while you wait for improvement. You can, of course, but the world doesn’t request it of you.
I think it’s OK to be a little hypocritical about wanting 95% awesome from a prospective suitor, when you would calculate your current awesome level at 80%. Remember that what you want in a mate might not be what he wants; it could very well be that you’re his ideal right now. Perfect!
June 16th, 2010 at 4:33 pm
Thanks for the full feed!
June 16th, 2010 at 10:25 pm
Yes, oh yes! Reading this makes me feel a bit braver about dipping my toes back in to dating, since, “Dating doesn’t need to be inherently dramatic.”
June 17th, 2010 at 1:52 pm
If you don’t feel like dating, don’t date. Forcing it will not beget anything but more headaches and drama. Taking a break to focus on yourself isn’t a bad move. I did it and it paid off.
6. This insidious principle seems to be guiding me toward wanting to become a better person so I can find the kind of person I want.
I had this same feeling. And I worked on it. When I met Mr. Darcy I wasn’t anywhere near where I ultimately want to be but we are growing together and it works. It works because we work at it- together and individually.
June 21st, 2010 at 11:12 pm
I think that people in this day and age expect so much from their partner in life. As if this person has to ‘live’ up to our ‘ideals’ as a lover, friend, companion etc, to a point where it’s not realistic. Where as plenty of years ago people got married younger and grew into ‘one’ person at an early age. That perhaps made marriages work better. Now we are are so concetrated in our careers and lives that society has trained us to think only of ourselves. I feel that some folks are unreceptive, unrealistic, and brainwashed ideas about our ‘perfect lover/ husband/wife.’ only to find ourselves dissappointed. As for myself never married or with kids, I wont put that ‘all in one’ burden on my boyfriend/husband, and have a realistic view on the man I want. Not meaning to put my/ your standards down only to compromise and to love with all heart and soul.
June 30th, 2010 at 9:58 am
I freaking LOVE not dating. At least, for now. And for the past year. One whole year by myself, which is the first full year that’s ever happened since I was a sophomore in high school. I’m in love with flying solo.