Comments on: Did I Just Describe a Gay Man?

By: Leah

Leah — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 06:40:53 +0000

SUCH a good list. Really, the best I’ve ever seen.

And, god, it’s so HARD when you have a list that captures, as this does, all of the things that are important in a mate because, as you say, they’re not the sorts of things that come striding to the fore on a first date. (This would be so much easier if you had, say, a height or eye color or career requirement.)

So…it takes time for these things to be revealed, and it also might take time for some of them to develop. And I’m not just thinking the development of the “demonstrably into you” part but other things too, like similar life goals or even physical affection or personal passion (about yurts or whatever). Sometimes being in The Relationship of Your Life brings out new things in a person (e.g., a guy who never wanted to have kids might be a babymaking machine once he finds the right woman), so keep that in mind too. It’s not always about finding someone who’s perfect as is but someone who will become perfect for you once he finds you (and vice versa).

But you know this. So thank you for allowing me to use your blog for thinking out loud.

By: Lawyerish

Lawyerish — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 20:52:00 +0000

I am usually conflicted on the whole list thing vis-a-vis potential mates, but yours is exactly what such a list should be and nothing that it shouldn’t. I mean, some people get so DETAILED in their lists that it becomes a gatekeeper (i.e., they won’t even CONSIDER anyone under 6’2″ or who comes from, I don’t know, New Jersey or who doesn’t like to swing dance) and then that prevents them from giving guys a chance who could very well have been The One, except that, oh well, they couldn’t lindy hop. You know?

But I love your list. It’s insightful and mature and self-aware.

I think the best ones on here are that he should be demonstrably into you and that he knows that what he wants includes you. YES. If a guy talks about life plans or goals and they have absolutely nothing to do with you (after a certain point in the relationship, that is) and in fact seem to ignore the fact that you exist and have plans and goals of your own? Yeah, not a good sign. I dated one of those for years and at first I thought, well, I’ll just fit into HIS plans! But then I met my now-husband, and not only was he demonstrably into me, to a degree I’d never dreamed, but he also spoke of plans and goals in which I played a central part and we made new plans and goals TOGETHER. As equals! Revolutionary!

Also, a guy who not only makes you snort but thinks your little snort is adorable is a total keeper.

By: Home Sweet Sarah

Home Sweet Sarah — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 15:42:22 +0000

Oh yes, and a few things that were on MY list, in case you care:

- Over 6 feet tall
- Smart (college degree preferred), but not a know-it-all (no one likes a know-it-all!)
- Likes to eat, drink, and cook
- Likes to do outdoorsy things, but NOT camping (didn’t get this one, unfortunately; my husband loves camping. FORTUNATELY, he’s never asked me to go camping, sos all good.)
- Can fix things (this might be the most important thing of all)

By: Home Sweet Sarah

Home Sweet Sarah — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 15:31:02 +0000

When I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years, I set about making a list of What I Want In A Man. I made the list, kept it in my desk drawer for a couple months, threw it away one day, and then met my future husband a couple weeks later. I’m not sure if throwing it away had anything to do with me meeting my husband, but I like to think it did.

Here’s to lists!

By: Taz @ Climb the Rainbow

Taz @ Climb the Rainbow — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 14:23:19 +0000

Love your work, as usual Amber! Great list, and as a fellow single and fabulous lady I have one of my own too! http://www.tinyurl.com.au/38r

Haven’t even come close to finding him yet, but I’m sure I’ll meet him one day during my regular trips from my computer to the fridge…

Taz

By: Jean

Jean — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 04:05:29 +0000

Your list is much better than mine ever was, and boy did I sure have a list. However, now that I’ve been married for more than seven years I would have to add a few things. Respect. He must respect you and respect the things that are important to you. If your friends are super important to you, than he can’t roll his eyes whenever they call, or come over, etc. Second, maturity. If you would like kids, it will be nice if he doesn’t seem like one too. Last, feelings. I have feelings and I occasionaly need to talk about them – is he able? I wound up with a sweetheart who is actually unable to identify his own feelings let alone talk about anything in that realm. Makes things interesting. Anyway…I am now at peace. Thank you.

By: Moose in the Kitchen » Blog Archive » Because Every Good List Ends at 13

Wed, 10 Mar 2010 07:02:59 +0000

[...] that another week has passed into the annals of history, I have a few crucial additions to my List o’ Things I Want in a Mate. [...]

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 20:14:40 +0000

I love this post and hope you meet someone who fulfills maybe 80 percent. I think 80 percent is a good number…from a woman that has been with her man for 14 years.

Sadie at heyMamas

By: Kerri Anne

Kerri Anne — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 04:26:55 +0000

I said “YES!” so loud when I got to “kind to dogs and kids and waitresses” that Iggy momentarily stopped his enthusiastic tail-chasing (this pug can chase his tail like it’s a full-time job) and looked at me as if I were about to give him a treat or tell him the meaning of life.

Honesty is huge on my (mental at this point) list. Bolded and starred and underlined vigorously.

As is “someone who makes my heart dance, and who elicits no red flags of (any kind, especially) the crazy kind.”

By: Donna

Donna — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 21:54:31 +0000

Had to chime in and say that you can’t underestimate the importance of his family. With my first marriage, I was barely tolerated and definitely not appreciated or treated as though I was even part of the family. Ever. In my second marriage, I have hit the family jackpot. They have treated me wonderfully from the day they met me and I think the world of them (good thing, since they live just a couple of miles away). It has made our life together so much richer in ways that I never experienced before. They have truly become my family, too, and I just didn’t realize how important this really was.
Also, I think if a guy has good friends that he has had for a long time and/or friends that you click with also that is a great thing. A guy with basically no good friends might have no friends for a reason. Sorry this is so long. I’ve been enjoying your writing for awhile and this definitely struck a chord with me.