Did I Just Describe a Gay Man?
Posted by Moose on March 3rd, 2010. Filed under: Love.My dating exploits are legendary. Mainly because I’m the only person I know who’s still single, so I totally have the market cornered. It’s easy to dominate the field when you’re the only one on it.
I was out with some high school friends on Saturday night and, after giving this month’s rundown of romantic possibilities, miscalculations, and disasters – if anything that happens on an ice rink without involving blood can be termed a disaster – someone asked me what I’m looking for. It’s a good question and one I’ve thought a lot about. So here it is. Because 1) There’s nothing more engaging than a list (cough). 2) I’m really curious about whether you had/have a similar list and if so, what’s on it? 3) Have I forgotten anything major, like “should be straight”? (How literal do I need to get here?)
Copies of this list will be printed out so that if I ever succumb to the temptation to languish over some miscreant who really isn’t up to scratch, one of you can roll it up and smack me over the head with it.
List o’ What I Want in a Mate, Because These Are Good Things To Know (See: Tempting Miscreant)
1. Smart
Doesn’t have to be of the professorial, sixteen degrees from fancy colleges genre (although that’s OK too) – some of the most intelligent men I’ve dated never finished college. Being bright and curious about the world and eager to learn new things is far more important. He has to be able to keep up with – and preferably surpass – me. I like a challenge.
2. Self-aware
I’m super keen on self-reflection and -experimentation in the pursuit of better life results. He should be too, or we’ll really annoy each other.
3. Knows what he wants, and what he wants includes me – at my best and my worst, thanks.
This seems obvious and YET SOMEHOW IT’S NOT. I’ve been in relationships where some of my fundamental personality traits deeply aggravated my partner. This experience is painful and impossible to resolve and not something I care to repeat. I don’t expect unconditional love – we’re all human and that’s a tricky one – but someone who shoots for it is a gem in the shape of a man.
4. Makes me laugh so hard I snort.
If I snort inadvertently (and oh-so-attractively, I might add), you’re really funny. I like really funny people. Bonus points if he finds me funny too.
5. Ye olde standards.
Hygienically sound, attractive (to me, at least – chemistry is a funny thing), geographically close or maneuverable (nothing worse than the perfect guy whose zip code is in Alaska), kind to dogs and kids and waitresses, likes to move around (both in the exercise and travel sense), compassionate, honest. Honest should really get its own number, but then I’d have to renumber everything. (No.)
6. Passionate about something.
Yurts, hog farming, black jelly beans – I don’t really care what. So long as he lights up when he talks about it.
7. He lights up when he talks about me, too.
That would be nice. And certainly better than the alternative.
8. Physically affectionate
Affection whores require this. Never underestimate an affection whore and her willingness to sit there and poke you with a pointy little index finger until you pony up.
9. Happy (or at least working to get there)
None of this Cynicism Is Interesting bullshit. When applied correctly, cynicism has its place. But happiness is a much better plan in the long run.
10. Life goals that mesh.
Wants kids, no burning desire for criminal activity, etc.
11. Loves me and demonstrably wants to be with me.
Another item that falls in the SHOULD BE OBVIOUS AND YET SO OFTEN NOT camp. This tends to be where I trip up and when it’s historically been most necessary to bop me over the head with my rolled up list. But no more! THAT’S WHY I MADE THE LIST. Printout pending.
—
What’s on your list? Did I miss anything major?
[Edit: Because I DID forget something major, there's a Part 2.]
March 3rd, 2010 at 3:30 am
Good list! Someone I have great respect for once said “Never be with someone less intelligent than you”. It sounds harsh, but it has served me well. A relationship where one person feels superior to the other person (for whatever reason) is doomed, don’t you think? Also ties in with your point no. 1.
March 3rd, 2010 at 5:07 am
First, a de-lurk. I’m a new reader, all the way from Wellington, New Zealand, where I’m a lawyer about to change jobs for a year or pack it in to travel . Hoping to figure out which in a few weeks – I was planning to resign on my birthday if the job didn’t materialise, but I’m not sure I’ll hear in time – I turn 27 on Wednesday). I’m really enjoying your writing – thanks!
To your question: I have a list in progress. I started it last year after reading a number of “if you list it, they (he?) will come” entries on various blogs, but it stalled due to my being in the grip of unrequited love at the time. No-one wants to write a list describing the unrequited love guy if they can help it.
I’ll second your items 1-10 and add a few of my own:
Challenges me/ encourage me to push my own limits, including.
A talker, and a listener. Someone who can discuss things. Ideally not annoyed by the discussion occasionally taking the form of commentary.
Clicks with my family – or can at least roll with our absurd collective sense of humour. My sister has pulled this off, so it can be done.
Enjoys hosting meals for people. Cooking assistance welcomed but not essential.
Will always choose the music. I don’t like choosing music that anyone beside me will listen to; it makes me nervous.
As for the unrequited love guy? I’m on round two. It’s not as bad as the last time.
March 3rd, 2010 at 5:08 am
Oops. That first addition was meant to say “including by pushing his own”.
March 3rd, 2010 at 8:18 am
I agree wholeheartedly with this list. Cynicism is bullshit. Also, the whole “demonstrably wants to be with me” should be easy to see (or spot the lack thereof) but to so many people, it’s not. Huh.
March 3rd, 2010 at 8:44 am
Along with “kind to dogs and waitresses,” I add “kind to kids,” including but not limited to talking to them like they’re human beings and not cute little animals, making funny faces at the baby in front of us in the grocery store line, and thinking they’re cute far more than they’re annoying (even though they’re annoying sometimes). I cannot date a man who isn’t kind to children. (And it’s even worse if he says he wants kids himself, but then is visibly annoyed anytime one comes within 50 feet of him!)
Also, wicked smart is high on my list. He doesn’t have to have a PhD or anything, but he’s gotta be intelligent, well-read, and able to carry on a conversation about most anything for a few minutes. (This requirement probably explains why I am currently dating a guy who is literally a rocket scientist
March 3rd, 2010 at 9:06 am
Good one, Anna. I’m a big fan of people who challenge me and push my limits.
Chris: Ha! Smart was number one or two and then wordpress lost my draft and I must have left it off the second time. Possibly because my own brain leaked right out my ears and made a puddle on the floor. (I should probably clean that up.) Smart is absolutely essential. In fact, I’m going back to do an edit right now.
March 3rd, 2010 at 9:30 am
It’s a very good list, especially the part where you say he should be heterosexual. I remember glancing at an Elle or Cosmo in the checkout line once, where one of the headlines was, “Is your boyfriend gay?”, with accompanying characteristics listed below. The only thing I could think of was, “Well, does he like to doink other men? Then he’s probably gay.” Ah, the delightful vapidity of girly magazines.
March 3rd, 2010 at 9:43 am
I love this so much, you have no idea. You are going to dominate my Post of the Day feature, although I’m fine with that.
I’ve got a guy, so let’s hope he comes up well against my own version of this list, but I think the most important things (for me) were:
1. Has a decent family he respects and who respects him. This doesn’t SEEM like it would be important if the love is there but trust me when I say you do not go into a marriage with just one person and if they come from a good family you like (and I know nothing’s perfect and problems arise in the best of circumstances), life is just sweeter.
2. Sense of humor that is similar to mine. I like to make inanimate objects talk. This is not funny to very many people. This is funny to Mike. Thank god.
3. Someone who likes spending time with me. As you said, EASY BUT NOT. Alone time is crucial, friends are a must, but do you like being with me? Do you like going places with me? Let’s hope yes. Forever is a long time.
4. Likes to travel. I know people who would be perfectly fine never leaving Texas for any reason whatsoever. A marriage to someone like that would never have worked.
5. Someone who is not like my father in the ways that made my father a pretty crappy husband. Personal and stuff, but those ways included being unfaithful and yelling a lot.
6. Willing to hold my hand whenever I ask him to.
March 3rd, 2010 at 10:06 am
One thing that I love about my husband is how adaptable he is to my wild schemes or foolish ideas. A year ago I said “I don’t care if I’m a mom! I can be a college student too! I can have it all!” and he said “Hmmm. Okay!” Yesterday I said “I don’t want to go to school any more. I want to be home with the girls. I want to be wife and mom, not career woman/college student.” and he said “Hmmmm. Okay!”
The other thing, and this is possibly just me, is I appreciate how endlessly optimistic he gets when life gets rough. I can be freaking out about stuff and he remains calm and collected and keeps me together. That? Is so incredibly, unbelievably nice.
March 3rd, 2010 at 10:24 am
Doesn’t mind the fact that I dance like the whitest of white girls and make up crass songs to every tune I know. Also, that most days I don’t change into real clothes or brush my teeth until 5. PM. But…I think I found him!
March 3rd, 2010 at 10:26 am
You know that part in Singles where Bridget Fonda talks about how she used to have a whole lot of things she wanted in a guy, and now she would just be happy to meet one who said “Bless you” when she sneezed? I feel like that, a lot of the time.
But really, my list is very similar. I am also really into the idea of a guy that isn’t negative, because it drives me up the wall when all they want to talk about is how much everything sucks. Sure, lots of things are bad, but there are also a ton that aren’t, so why not focus on those things? He should also possess a healthy sense of adventure.
Mostly, though, I would like to marry someone who I would be proud to have my kids turn out like. (That is a convoluted sentence.)
March 3rd, 2010 at 10:47 am
Erm, speaking from experience, stating the orientation of the person you wish to date is NEVER a bad plan. Love the list!
March 3rd, 2010 at 11:36 am
I love the idea of creating a list. As a matter of fact, I did it years before I even knew it was a list. When I was 16 my BFF and I were playing the usual “What kind of guy do you think I’ll be with?” game we obsessed on and this is the guy I described:
“Well, he’ll live in New York (we lived in Ireland, but I had planned to move to the States), he’ll have a serious job, like a lawyer or banker or something that requires him to wear a suit to work, but he won’t be stuck up. He’ll play in a band-probably be a drummer and he’ll ride the train to work every day and be hilarious and just be cool”.
My husband lives here in SF (works out much better than NYC!), is a lawyer, is definitely not stuck up, he plays guitar and sings in a band, he rides the train to work every day, he’s hilarious and is very cool (in my mind at least).
So, while it was all very simple superficial stuff, I married exactly the “type” of guy I hoped I would. He’s also crazy smart, thinks I’m a crack-up, great to travel with, silly at times, an affection whore and a ton of other wonderful things, but I love that he fit in with my initial sketch of what I wanted in a mate at 16(because living with a drummer would not have been annoying at all!!-what was I thinking with that one?)
Also, something that was very important to me was to see that he had great friendships and an “urban family” as my own family was so far away. We have awesome friends, and I don’t think that can ever be underestimated. So I would add good friends to your list, or at least a group of friends you can see yourself fitting in with, and making sure he fits with yours also.
March 3rd, 2010 at 11:43 am
I’ve been thinking about a list like this. It’s good to know what you want. Mine would include someone who appreciates and acknowledges the things you do for them. Whether it be cooking dinner or making sure the bills are paid. So simple, but often overlooked.
March 3rd, 2010 at 11:52 am
I think you’ve got it covered. I would perhaps also add “looks good in a plaid shirt” and it REALLY wouldn’t hurt if he could play the guitar, but yes, I think smart, kind, and knows what he wants are definitely your top three. He’s out there. He’s coming soon.
March 3rd, 2010 at 12:54 pm
I should’ve put greater emphasis on “doesn’t have ROAD RAGE ISSUES” omg, but then I wouldn’t be with my husband and he works in every other way. I think we should just arrive at all our destinations in separate vehicles.
March 3rd, 2010 at 2:08 pm
Solid list. If he doesn’t see everything that I see in you, then he’s a damned fool. You are amazing.
March 3rd, 2010 at 2:19 pm
A nicely comprehensive list. My own has gotta have that old standby – has a job. Or, in this charming economy, had a job/has skills/actively searching for work could suffice for awhile. But, yeah, long term gainful employment…
So romantic I almost swooned.
March 3rd, 2010 at 5:09 pm
Great list! I also like Jessica’s comment about having someone who appreciates what you do for them. That is so essential to ANY relationship, be it romantic, platonic, familial. Nothing can make a bad day (one where you feel like the world is conspiring against you) better than someone at home to hug you and say “thanks”.
March 3rd, 2010 at 5:30 pm
Thinks I’m the bee’s knees
Smart
Funny
Kind
That’s about the whole ball of wax for me. I used to think it was other stuff, too, but those are the biggies.
I like people who like me. Go figure.
March 3rd, 2010 at 5:38 pm
My first best piece of advice came from my fifth grade religion teacher – a nun. But dang, is it true: How he treats his mother and his sisters is how he’ll treat you. So, someone who is nice to his mom.
Secondly, this reminded me of one of my favorite movie lines of all time – I think from that movie “Happy Endings” where Lisa Kudrow is describing HER ideal man and says “Looks for me first in any crowded room.” YES. So perfect.
March 3rd, 2010 at 6:24 pm
You got it covered. I propose a deal. You take the west coast and I will be the single gal on the east coast. Or maybe I’ll just take another continent. My list includes NON-FREAK. Thatisall.
) Have a good week.
March 3rd, 2010 at 10:52 pm
This is an excellent list, and is basically mine with a few minor adjustments (although I don’t want kids, so maybe we can swap almosts). So I sure hope you didn’t describe a gay man.
I guess I should print it out and actually start dating again. Or go read that book…
March 4th, 2010 at 1:25 am
“Loves me and demonstrably wants to be with me” is so important on the list. The one time I left this out, I ended up with a guy who broke up with me the night before my dad’s bypass surgery. His words when breaking up were: If something happens to your dad tomorrow, I think it’s best if I am not around. If something happens to my dad? You mean if he dies?
He is still alive. My dad that is. I don’t know and don’t care about the other one.
(Blue eyes were important to me. Superficial, yes, but important none the less.)
March 4th, 2010 at 7:51 am
Those are the nuts and bolts on my list. And I found a guy who is pretty much the list. I sometimes pinch myself.
That isn’t to say there is not still work involved- because, lordy, there is. Communication with another human being can be so difficult! It’s a wonder any of us ever have long term relationships. Or do people just stop talking and get married?
March 4th, 2010 at 2:58 pm
This is a great list and very similar to my own. I also would like to add Tall. And funny would probably be first.
March 4th, 2010 at 9:06 pm
I think you should upgrade bonus points for finding you funny to a full on requirement. It’s no good if he doesn’t find you funny.
March 5th, 2010 at 9:00 am
Oh, #8 is definitely on my list. Getting my last boyfriend to do something even as small as holding my hand was like pulling teeth. Not doing that again.
March 5th, 2010 at 6:08 pm
Yours is a great list. And says a lot about some nice qualities that you seem to have.
I wrote a similar list about three years ago. I was in stuck on a boat in Russia, with nothing to do but sleep, drink, and write. My list is, well, representative of a much more shallow person. It’s titled, “The Worst Man Ever!”
August 3, 2007 (Petersburg)
- Wears tevas
- Plays computer/video games as a serious hobby
- Likes Southwestern colors
- no sister
- lies
- looks like a caveman
- combover, or helmet hair, or mullet
- Republican
- BELIEVES IN AN OBJECTIVE WORLD
- unibrow
- thinks the world is out to get him
- says ‘liberry’
- cheap
- too into money
- never traveled
- likes Reba
- smells
- doesn’t read literature
- caries a soapbox with him
Sigh
March 7th, 2010 at 2:54 pm
Had to chime in and say that you can’t underestimate the importance of his family. With my first marriage, I was barely tolerated and definitely not appreciated or treated as though I was even part of the family. Ever. In my second marriage, I have hit the family jackpot. They have treated me wonderfully from the day they met me and I think the world of them (good thing, since they live just a couple of miles away). It has made our life together so much richer in ways that I never experienced before. They have truly become my family, too, and I just didn’t realize how important this really was.
Also, I think if a guy has good friends that he has had for a long time and/or friends that you click with also that is a great thing. A guy with basically no good friends might have no friends for a reason. Sorry this is so long. I’ve been enjoying your writing for awhile and this definitely struck a chord with me.
March 8th, 2010 at 9:26 pm
I said “YES!” so loud when I got to “kind to dogs and kids and waitresses” that Iggy momentarily stopped his enthusiastic tail-chasing (this pug can chase his tail like it’s a full-time job) and looked at me as if I were about to give him a treat or tell him the meaning of life.
Honesty is huge on my (mental at this point) list. Bolded and starred and underlined vigorously.
As is “someone who makes my heart dance, and who elicits no red flags of (any kind, especially) the crazy kind.”
March 9th, 2010 at 1:14 pm
I love this post and hope you meet someone who fulfills maybe 80 percent. I think 80 percent is a good number…from a woman that has been with her man for 14 years.
Sadie at heyMamas
March 10th, 2010 at 12:02 am
[...] that another week has passed into the annals of history, I have a few crucial additions to my List o’ Things I Want in a Mate. [...]
March 10th, 2010 at 9:05 pm
Your list is much better than mine ever was, and boy did I sure have a list. However, now that I’ve been married for more than seven years I would have to add a few things. Respect. He must respect you and respect the things that are important to you. If your friends are super important to you, than he can’t roll his eyes whenever they call, or come over, etc. Second, maturity. If you would like kids, it will be nice if he doesn’t seem like one too. Last, feelings. I have feelings and I occasionaly need to talk about them – is he able? I wound up with a sweetheart who is actually unable to identify his own feelings let alone talk about anything in that realm. Makes things interesting. Anyway…I am now at peace. Thank you.
March 11th, 2010 at 7:23 am
Love your work, as usual Amber! Great list, and as a fellow single and fabulous lady I have one of my own too! http://www.tinyurl.com.au/38r
Haven’t even come close to finding him yet, but I’m sure I’ll meet him one day during my regular trips from my computer to the fridge…
Taz
March 11th, 2010 at 8:31 am
When I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years, I set about making a list of What I Want In A Man. I made the list, kept it in my desk drawer for a couple months, threw it away one day, and then met my future husband a couple weeks later. I’m not sure if throwing it away had anything to do with me meeting my husband, but I like to think it did.
Here’s to lists!
March 11th, 2010 at 8:42 am
Oh yes, and a few things that were on MY list, in case you care:
- Over 6 feet tall
- Smart (college degree preferred), but not a know-it-all (no one likes a know-it-all!)
- Likes to eat, drink, and cook
- Likes to do outdoorsy things, but NOT camping (didn’t get this one, unfortunately; my husband loves camping. FORTUNATELY, he’s never asked me to go camping, sos all good.)
- Can fix things (this might be the most important thing of all)
March 11th, 2010 at 1:52 pm
I am usually conflicted on the whole list thing vis-a-vis potential mates, but yours is exactly what such a list should be and nothing that it shouldn’t. I mean, some people get so DETAILED in their lists that it becomes a gatekeeper (i.e., they won’t even CONSIDER anyone under 6′2″ or who comes from, I don’t know, New Jersey or who doesn’t like to swing dance) and then that prevents them from giving guys a chance who could very well have been The One, except that, oh well, they couldn’t lindy hop. You know?
But I love your list. It’s insightful and mature and self-aware.
I think the best ones on here are that he should be demonstrably into you and that he knows that what he wants includes you. YES. If a guy talks about life plans or goals and they have absolutely nothing to do with you (after a certain point in the relationship, that is) and in fact seem to ignore the fact that you exist and have plans and goals of your own? Yeah, not a good sign. I dated one of those for years and at first I thought, well, I’ll just fit into HIS plans! But then I met my now-husband, and not only was he demonstrably into me, to a degree I’d never dreamed, but he also spoke of plans and goals in which I played a central part and we made new plans and goals TOGETHER. As equals! Revolutionary!
Also, a guy who not only makes you snort but thinks your little snort is adorable is a total keeper.
March 14th, 2010 at 11:40 pm
SUCH a good list. Really, the best I’ve ever seen.
And, god, it’s so HARD when you have a list that captures, as this does, all of the things that are important in a mate because, as you say, they’re not the sorts of things that come striding to the fore on a first date. (This would be so much easier if you had, say, a height or eye color or career requirement.)
So…it takes time for these things to be revealed, and it also might take time for some of them to develop. And I’m not just thinking the development of the “demonstrably into you” part but other things too, like similar life goals or even physical affection or personal passion (about yurts or whatever). Sometimes being in The Relationship of Your Life brings out new things in a person (e.g., a guy who never wanted to have kids might be a babymaking machine once he finds the right woman), so keep that in mind too. It’s not always about finding someone who’s perfect as is but someone who will become perfect for you once he finds you (and vice versa).
But you know this. So thank you for allowing me to use your blog for thinking out loud.