Social Enculturation As It Applies To Women and Anger Is a Real Bitch
Posted by Moose on January 13th, 2010. Filed under: My Brain Needs a Drink.People who know me would probably say that I’m a gentle sort – quiet, kind, prone to looking for the best in situations. But lately there are bright flashes of anger that spike out of me, manifesting in odd, deeply self-effacing comments that are a little too harsh for your average social situation and don’t exactly reflect the kind of person I want to be. My life isn’t where I thought it would be by now and since I know that I’m the only one responsible for that, I turn the anger on myself. Where it congeals into a nice festive depression. Luckily, it’s more cyclical than constant. Forgive me for speaking for so many of you, but I think a lot of women would agree that PMS is less about being bitchy and more about not being able to suppress emotions as easily as usual. So anger rears up and has to go somewhere. But I never let myself really feel it. The second it pokes its greasy little nose above ground with yet another unfortunate comment or a brief hit of envy, I smash it down even further into my spleen because most of my experience has shown that LETTING IT OUT IS DANGEROUS. If you had a ravenous crocodile in a pen, would you roll in a vat of sausage drippings and waltz over to unlock its door? I didn’t think so. But all this anger seeping into my lower intestine is only keeping me stuck in a place I really don’t want to be.
Damn it, self-realization. You smug, sausage-breathing crocodile. Go away.
Cheri Huber teaches an approach to anger that’s become a personal favorite. She says, “If you have a wild beast, don’t keep it locked in a little tiny cage. It will keep running into the edges and start getting really, really mad. Instead, give it a great big field. And it won’t even notice it’s being confined.” She suggests watching the anger build up and then releasing it by running until your legs give out or venting to a friend who’s perfectly happy to do the crossword puzzle while you rage or going out one evening and digging up your entire garden. I’m more fond of the seething method myself. But I’m pretty sure that’s not working.
I used to spend at least five hours a week in pretty rigorous dance class and, looking back, I’m definitely happiest when I’m dancing. It’s a creative outlet and an exhausting one. Though I didn’t really pick up on this at the time, dance burned through a lot of the emotional detritus. The thought of firmer thighs certainly won’t get me out of bed and into my sports bra, but a chance to exorcise some of those mulish, cowardly little demons just might. But I can’t rely on exercise alone. I have to let myself feel that anger, express it, and then – here’s the key concept – let it go. Changing such a firmly entrenched habit is a daunting prospect, to say the least. But it’s the only way I’ll be able to move forward.
Time to put on my running shoes and step into the jaws of the hungry crocodile.
January 13th, 2010 at 4:11 am
I’m on at the moment and sometimes I shock myself with the things I say, then the feelings of guilt start chewing away along with the anger, and I just turn into a mess!
January 13th, 2010 at 4:57 am
The worst is when you end up venting out all of that suppressed anger on a person who doesn’t really deserve it(over some teensy weensy issue), simply because of all the bottling up, isn’t it? As Lizzie(above) mentioned, the guilt begins soon after. Vicious cycle, indeed!
Fingers crossed for the ‘letting it go in good time’ scenario to work its magic on our otherwise nicer temperaments.
January 13th, 2010 at 6:25 am
Ahh, yes. That ever-elusive skill called “letting it go.” I’m sort of getting better at it. (However, I think the improvements are pretty subtle because I just asked my boyfriend if I’ve gotten better at letting shit go, and he laughed so hard that he spit out his coffee. Hmm.)
You know, I’ve *heard* that crocodile kind of tastes like chicken. (Clearly someone watches a bit too much Food Network.)
January 13th, 2010 at 8:39 am
As someone who spent years caging her anger (not just PMS-related) I can relate. Finding an outlet to release it is essential. Dance, run, vent, whatever you need to do because there is more under that anger that you need to get to. You can do it!
January 13th, 2010 at 9:10 am
I read Tuesdays With Morrie over the holidays and he talks about acknowledging your anger, feeling it, then letting it go. It’s the only way to be free of it.
And, yes! If you love dance that much, go for it! Excited for you.
January 13th, 2010 at 10:49 am
You smug sausage breathing crocodile?
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
BEST
January 13th, 2010 at 10:50 am
um…clearly my fingers have not had their coffee yet.
BEST. DESCRIPTION. EVER.
I’m going to use that. Maybe on my boss? We’ll see.
January 13th, 2010 at 12:04 pm
My favorite line: I think a lot of women would agree that PMS is less about being bitchy and more about not being able to suppress emotions as easily as usual.
So, so true. But why do we have to live our lives suppressing emotions, I ask you?
January 13th, 2010 at 12:24 pm
God, I could have written this post. I’ve been battling a big, nasty pile of “angry” lately, which is the result of several years of suppressed emotions. Healthy? Nope.
I’ve been thinking a lot about dance classes, too, and I’ve realized that I really have no excuse NOT to pursue dancing again. There’s only… oh… a MILLION dance studios in SF! Sheesh!
January 13th, 2010 at 1:05 pm
“Damn it, self-realization. You smug, sausage-breathing crocodile.” — You should win every blog award ever created. Brilliant.
January 13th, 2010 at 4:57 pm
I hear ya, sista. I have a lot of anger–I blame it on Jeanie giving me her hot temper–and I find running and yoga are good for that.
January 13th, 2010 at 6:54 pm
I like to medicate my anger into submission because otherwise I just end up wanting to throw plates on the floor, but I do think about buying these on a pretty much daily basis:
http://www.amazon.com/Hasbro-78268-Hulk-Smash-Hands/dp/B000XUA6KG
January 14th, 2010 at 2:05 pm
I definitely get my anger out on a good hard run. Also a punching bag works wonders. But dance might just make the anger float right off you. For whatever reason physical activity not only gives me that endorphin kick but also really clears the floor of crocodiles.
February 7th, 2010 at 12:10 pm
I was catching up on your blog (love it all!) I’ll have you know that this here post motivated me to drag my sorry butt to the gym this morning. well, that and my boyfriend making me feel guilty for eating another chocolate lava cake from trader joe’s…
anyway, keep up the good work. or keep up the good anger management/exercise.