Santa Thinks I’m a Big Baby
Posted by Moose on December 22nd, 2009. Filed under: Adventures.Every holiday season there comes a moment when I chuck my eat sensibly/exercise daily routine and drop myself into a vat of brandied hot chocolate dotted with caramel popcorn. Yesterday marked this year’s official vat drop, directly coinciding with the realization that I couldn’t move my back or anything attached to it without feeling like death would be the most appropriate solution for my pain. (Ouch.)
After turning my head – as you do in the course of life – and feeling like I’d been stabbed by a butcher’s knife, I learned to twist from the waist, something that’s much easier when you’re not strapped in the driver’s seat. I got off the freeway six stops early yesterday just so I wouldn’t have to navigate lane changes with ear-melting curses or prayer.
When one muscle misbehaves, all surrounding areas tense up in sympathy. From the base of my skull to the bottom of my left shoulder blade is a cluster of misfiring neurons and wordless shrieks that roughly translate to “TAKE ME TO YOUR VICODIN.” Since Trader Joe’s doesn’t sell vicodin (I don’t think. Is there some back room that requires a password? Where they sell the drugs and the porn and the darn sipping chocolate they were out of today?), I’m settling for peppermint Oreos, a heating pad, and a staunch refusal to move. These are the moments when all my life choices seem appropriate and I’m terribly thankful I have neither kids nor pets nor any responsibilities more demanding than a thirsty Christmas tree which, by the way, won’t be getting watered until I figure out how to transfer water from the sink to the living room via telekinesis.
This post was going to be longer and more heartfelt but I’ve decided that short and lazy is really what the season is all about.
December 22nd, 2009 at 12:54 pm
Aside from the pain, I slightly envy you and your lack of obligations. I’d be doing all matter of holiday dunkings if I had a few less things to do on my plate.
December 22nd, 2009 at 1:32 pm
Oh, feel better soon!
December 22nd, 2009 at 1:38 pm
I’ll tell you one thing Trader Joe’s has: cheap prosecco. Go back and stock up. Also, feel better!
December 22nd, 2009 at 2:21 pm
I have been eating cookies that I baked, but I haven’t had milk in the house for over a week. And nothing curbs a cookie craving like not having milk. So I like to believe my pants will still fit come Jan 1. Or until I get milk, whichever comes first.
December 22nd, 2009 at 3:03 pm
You poor lamb! I think this calls for some good old-fashioned, Victorian style, reclining prone on a chaise.
Feel better!
December 22nd, 2009 at 3:35 pm
Ouch! I hope that your back feels better soon.
And I just may adopt your “short and lazy” quote for this season. Oh yes, indeed!
December 22nd, 2009 at 4:01 pm
Also–my vat drop was yesterday–a half-gallon of eggnog for breakfast and chocolate-covered caramels for lunch and dinner. Swoon!
xox
December 22nd, 2009 at 5:49 pm
That sucks. You should definitely do it up as much as possible while immobile. I would be frequently applying cookies and hot toddies if I was….oh who am I kidding, I’m already doing this with little reason! So I think you’re free to be as short and lazy as you want.
December 22nd, 2009 at 8:12 pm
My ADD is in full force because my eyes picked out Trader Joes and then I cried before I realized I needed to read the rest of the post. (The nearest TJ is in Reno…which isn’t exactly a quick hop from dinky Idaho Falls.)
Feel better. And working retail during the holiday season IS painful, so perhaps you can pick pocket some of those TJ employees for some kind of pain relief goody?
December 22nd, 2009 at 8:50 pm
Take care of that back, and I hope you feel better real soon.
December 22nd, 2009 at 11:21 pm
WOW, how weird, I woke up two days ago with a pain in my neck that ran down to my shoulder blade. It sucked about as much as it sounds yours does. Thankfully, mine just went away on it’s own. Good luck with this ickiness
December 24th, 2009 at 10:08 pm
Take care of yourself, Moosie, we have an entirely new decade to eat our way through!
Tomorrow something new: roasted acorn squash with fresh chestnuts.
Merry Christmas!