Yes, My Plan is to Use the POWER OF MY MIND
Posted by Moose on December 14th, 2009. Filed under: Misadventures.I’ve been functioning at a low- to mid-grade anxiety level all day. I’m due in traffic court tomorrow at 9 a.m., and I’m not the sort to take that prospect with a great deal of equanimity. High-strung might be the most accurate term for the portion of my personality that becomes dominant in these situations. So, yeah. I sort of ran a red light back in August. I say “sort of” because the red light was indeed run AND NOT JUST BY ME.
Exhibit A: All the people in front of me who ran that red light.
Exhibit B: The cop who pulled me over who said, “Yeah, lots of people run that red light.”
Exhibit C: Chris, who was a few cars behind me and later noted, “I ran that red light too. Guess the cop was busy with you.”
Exhibit D: MOTHERFUCKER.
That’s not so much an exhibit as it is a heartfelt exclamatory curse.
Never having been to traffic court before, I’m a bundle of quivering anxiety tempered by an enraged, rather self-righteous alter ego I like to call Wanda. Wanda is responsible for Exhibit D, by the way. As Wanda is generally absent, and will hopefully remain absent when I’m standing in front of the Bored If Not Aggravated Person In Charge Of These Things tomorrow morning, I’ve spent the last month asking for measured advice. Advice received ranges from “show cleavage” (which I don’t have) to “sit at the intersection with a video camera and record how many people run that light” (which I’m not going to do) to the cop himself who said, “Plead not guilty and ask for a civil code violation.” (Can’t I just ask for the ticket to be dismissed? Because, um, I don’t want a ticket?) And, most recently, “Your defense is going to be ‘I don’t want a ticket?’ Really? Yeah, I’d hire a lawyer.” (No.)
I plan to show up in court with no cleavage, no video, and no real plan – in other words, how I usually greet a Tuesday morning. But I have spent most of today engaged in a voodoo ritual designed to get me back out those court room doors with my bank account intact. To the layman’s untrained eye, it probably looks like some woman with unkempt hair muttering “the ticket will be dismissed, the ticket will be dismissed, the ticket will be dismissed” under her breath, but I assure you it’s an impressive display of Caribbean-based voodoo.
I have every confidence that this will work. Yes.
December 14th, 2009 at 7:42 pm
My husband had a well-deserved speeding ticket dismissed once because the air conditioner was broken at the courthouse and the courtroom (also? by the way? A TRAILER) was too hot. So roll your dice baby! DAMN THE MAN!
December 14th, 2009 at 7:47 pm
Ugh–I’m sorry. I really hope it goes well tomorrow, and I have ever confidence that Caribbean-based voodoo is the latest and greatest in dealing with traffic court.
You should be good. ;o)
xox
December 14th, 2009 at 7:49 pm
I’ve only contested one ticket. A bunch of us were caught in a sting operation on a busy street where EVERYONE speeds and the posted speed limit is covered by a big tree. I was framed! Was I speeding? Fuck yeah I was but so were 10 other cars. Not the best defense, much like yours.
I was nervous all day. Turned out I went into a judge’s chambers (looked like an office to me) and presented my case and she said if I didn’t get a speeding ticket within the next year it would be erased from my driving record. I had to pay less than half of what I was being charged (I paid $100).
All this is to say – a) you’re not alone, b) it’s not as scary as you think and c) if everyone is running a red light in a certain area maybe they should LOOK AT THAT AREA.
I also fudge a bit and said I was going slower than I probably was.
Sorry, God.
December 14th, 2009 at 8:22 pm
Good luck, friend. If it means anything, you totally LOOK innocent. That will get you out of it, I’m sure!
December 14th, 2009 at 8:36 pm
It is pretty rare that the cops even show up to traffic court when a ticket is being contested so you’ve got that going for you. Both tickets that I have contested — the cops were no-shows. Good luck, friend!
December 14th, 2009 at 8:53 pm
You could always try bribing the judge with lots and lots of lemons
December 14th, 2009 at 8:58 pm
I am a firm believer that the X-Men (and comics in general) or really just a window into another dimension very much like ours that our artists and writers have brief and interesting visions of. This being said, I believe I have some sort of mental powers to influence other peoples minds. So, I’m going to meditate tonight, tap into this other universe, and use the powers therein to manipulate the judge and get you not only free of the charges but he may just be so taken with you he’ll give you all the cash in his wallet. It’ll be a Festivus miracle!
OK, that was pretty much crap, but GOOD LUCK!
December 14th, 2009 at 10:22 pm
I think that you’re going wrong by not using the cleavage, but that’s just me.
I’ll be sending you good luck, friend. Here’s to hoping for a cop that just doesn’t show. xo
December 14th, 2009 at 11:59 pm
Asking for a civil code ticket is generally good advice. You don’t want your insurance to go up. Generally, though, the fine is higher if they switch it to a nonmoving violation. Because, uh, you’re basically bribing them to do so.
In Missouri, it’s called “getting a recommendation” from the prosecutor. You’re all, “Hey prosecutor, I ran a red light, give me a recommendation,” and they’re all, “Okay, now it’s a parking ticket. That’ll be $150 extra.”
Sucks, but it saves you money in the long run. Insurance is expensive, yo.
December 15th, 2009 at 12:12 am
Oh man, I went to traffic court once in Charleston. My advice: wear something sort of business-like. I wore a button-down shirt and everyone else was, like, in their pajamas. And had no teeth. By comparison, I was an ANGEL. The ticket was dismissed.
December 15th, 2009 at 8:18 am
My guess is the cop won’t show up – but, nonetheless, I agree with ‘Bonfires – business attire is your friend in this situation. Sending good thoughts your way!
Also, be grateful you don’t have to deal with the sort of innanities that we do in DC. In order to even contest a ticket, you have to pay $50. Which means that if you still end up having to pay it, you owe the ticket PLUS $50. An insidious twist of bureaucracy, isn’t it?
December 15th, 2009 at 9:23 am
I’ve been twice, both for speeding. The first time, I borrowed a baby-pink sweater from a roommate in order to project sweetness and angelitude, but the guy at the desk literally did not even look up as he wrote out my bill. The second time, when I got the ticket in the mail before I went to court, I realized the cop was someone I went to high school with and hadn’t recognized the night he pulled me over. (Weirdly, even though there were 160 people in our graduating class and I had been fairly visible in a Tracy Flick kind of way, my name didn’t ring a bell. I had to tell him our school and the year, plus my license still had my parents’ address on it at that point.) He dismissed the ticket.
So, dress nicely, don’t call anyone a motherfucker and you never know — the universe may have an altogether interesting way of resolving things.
December 15th, 2009 at 11:03 am
I’m not going to get into the one time I had to go to traffic court because I can feel my blood rising just thinking about it (it involved being pulled over by a cop while I WAS RIDING MY BIKE!! LAWFULLY!).
Anyway, he didn’t show up and it was all dismissed. Which is probably for the best because I might have ended up being arrested for attacking a policeman or whatever that charge is really called. So good luck!
December 15th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
Oh, lord. I remember that day. I was like, what the hell did Moose DO to get a ticket? That light is SO jacked when there’s any kind of traffic. BTW, I drive through that same intersection all the time now, on my way home from soccer, and I’m always totally paranoid about that stupid light. So, if it’s any consolation, your ticket has probably helped ME avoid a ticket, since it’s made me extra-cautious. I guess I owe you a beer or something
December 15th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
Doesn’t the whole thing get tossed out if the cop doesn’t show up? I will cross my fingers that that happens!
February 2nd, 2010 at 3:29 pm
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