My Life Purpose Probably Has Something To Do With Eating Butter
Posted by Moose on October 30th, 2009. Filed under: Random Lists.I lost my job last week. Being me, this has set off a fresh batch of noisy lemurs in my head. Some are lolling about smoking pipes and making random gestures with their little paws, some are fighting rabidly, some are donning wire frame glasses and sharpening pencils.
Mostly though, the lemurs are discussing if I have a purpose. A calling, if you will. And if so, what is it? Then the lemurs get distracted and wonder if anyone has a purpose in life, or if we’re all just scrabbling pieces together and hoping it coalesces into something profound during Ye Olde Life Review, The One We Get Before Ascending To The Great Cabana In the Sky.
My morning routine is to crack open one bleary eye and feel blindly for my iPhone so I can read blogs without leaving my nest of pillows and swansdown and random fuzzy Target blanket. This particular morning, I was reading Leah’s post on publishing and it prompted me to put down the phone, turn on the light, and go make some tea so I could think without being distracted by the profound beauty of my flannel sheets and how it might be preferable to jury rig some kind of trough so I never have to leave. Anyway.
I think the why, what, and how of writing is so deeply personal that it’s different for everyone. (Also, I like to shamelessly cop out on these sorts of discussions. Because deep philosophical thought makes my left eye twitch in an alarming manner.) For me, it’s a triumph just to muzzle the writhing lemurs long enough to spit out so much as a blog post. Just getting something – anything – out of my head and onto paper is a win. In my little world of small anthropomorphized primates, writing has become more an exercise in conquering my own demons than anything that might last through the ages or make me more than $35 a shot. My desire to write is teaching me to stop comparing myself to others. Because it’s the enemy of getting anything done, ever. For your edification, I will present An Official Thought of Thursday, October 29. Ready? Prepared to shake your heads in sorrow? Here it is: Whatever I can do has already been done so much better by other people.
OH, HELLS NO. Whether or not it’s true isn’t the point. The point is that if you speak to yourself this way – something you would NEVER EVER say to a friend or even that kid who pushed you headfirst into a half-rotten pumpkin in the second grade – your life will be, quite frankly, rather miserable. Who wants that self-defeating dreck cluttering up space that could be devoted to Nathan Fillion as Captain Reynolds and recipes for Welsh rarebit?
It doesn’t matter WHAT I write, just that I DO. Lately, I’ve been getting all Zen and The Art of Expressing Oneself. Detach from the outcome because otherwise I’ll end up gibbering in a padded room and trying to stick corked ball point pens in my left eye. Just write, don’t worry about who reads it or what it gets you. I readily admit that this is not the most focused or well-arranged approach. But if it’s the one that keeps me sane and happily writing, I’ll take it.
Sadly, this doesn’t solve my Career Purpose Slash How To Make My Way In The World quandary, but that’s for another day. For now, it’s enough to know that we all have something to contribute, whether via writing or raising really awesome kids or making life-changing macaroni and cheese. It’s up to each of us to figure out what that is. Just don’t ask the lemurs. They’re useless.
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October 30th, 2009 at 9:44 am
Crap, sorry about the job loss.
I know there are massively more talented writers out there, ones with proper grammar and decent spelling, but I do it for myself. I like to go back and re-read what I’ve written months or even years ago. Usually it never fails to make me laugh because I apparently find myself very funny. Everyone else’s opinions are just gravy.
October 30th, 2009 at 10:05 am
I just blogged about a similar topic. It’s so much easier for me to be kind to others than to myself. Still working on it though.
October 30th, 2009 at 10:09 am
I hope you’ve got some lemurs in there hanging upside down and making silly faces. That’d be cool. Will speak to you soon!
October 30th, 2009 at 10:13 am
I’m sorry to hear about your job. I’ve got my fingers crossed for you that you’ll find something fantastic.
And writing for the sake of writing is the only way I can do it too. My next step is to work on discipline…
October 30th, 2009 at 10:18 am
Come on Moose. You can do it. Just put a little power to it! Do it! (clap, clap clap, clap) Do it! (clap, clap clap, clap)
Long ago I realized any time spent writing was better than time spent not writing. Even if I hate what I wrote, if I throw it away in embarrassment, it made my brain happy and that is worth everything.
October 30th, 2009 at 10:45 am
Sorry to hear about the job. For the record, I also frequently think that thing about how everything I’ve written has already been done better by someone else. Sometimes that stops me. Sometimes it doesn’t.
October 30th, 2009 at 10:55 am
Awww, I’m sorry to hear that you lost your job. That really sucks.
I don’t know you, but here’s a stranger’s two cents: I think that your Life Purpose is writing (with Butter Eating on the side).
October 30th, 2009 at 10:58 am
Moose . . . if it matters, reading your blog, just over the last week, has really helped me in starting my own project. I have had lots of models to finish my dissertation (a REALLY interesting discussion of the American novel, post Ralph Ellison, and its interstices with . . . wake up; wake up!), but I have not found any blogs that really capture the flavor that I want. Yours is helping me.
And by the way, I have raising awesome kids, teaching, writing a movie script, completing my Ph.D., and freelance editing. Someone would say I have not found my purpose, but I don’t care. It’s all my purpose. All of it . . . the culmination of small details.
You can do it, you will find it, and it’s probably sitting right next to you on the desk.
October 30th, 2009 at 10:58 am
I think we all speak to ourselves more harshly than we’d speak to others. (Well… maybe not. There are some awfully mean people out there, some of whom feel free to spout awfully mean things… but that’s another topic altogether.) Just be kind to yourself! Sometimes I find that I have to be a little too chipper with myself.
I’m so sorry about the job. There are no words.
October 30th, 2009 at 11:13 am
So sorry to hear about the job. I hope it was an amicable parting, at least. I’ve met you so I can say with much certainty they lost a good thing.
October 30th, 2009 at 11:23 am
Awww, Moose . . . I’m so sorry about the job. You’ll pull something together for yourself, I know you will!
As for the writing . . . it really does involve So! Much! with the gnashing of teeth and all, doesn’t it? I’ve got approx. 1/2 a novel in me and I haven’t written a single word yet because the story is set far enough in the past that I’d need to do RESEARCH . . . big, scary research. And while there was nothing I loved more in college than a good session with my library pass and copy card, that concept kind of freaks me out now.
I keep thinking at some point the whole book will just fall out of me fully formed. Because that is how it happens, right? Magic?! Please say yes.
October 30th, 2009 at 11:49 am
Thanks, all! The job thing sucks, of course, but it’s all for the best. Something good is coming. Just because I have no idea what it is or what it looks like DOESN’T MEAN IT’S NOT THERE.
Skeezix: This is actually my main motivation too. Few things are better than sitting in an empty room with a laptop and cracking yourself up.
Mymsie: Why do we say things to ourselves we would never say to another human being or even a particularly sentient houseplant? I don’t know. Just have to be aware of it, I guess.
Jeci: If you crack that gnarly discipline problem, let me know. I HAVE FAITH.
May: I have a very specific image of this cheer. Buster is wearing a pleated skirt. Right now, writing is the only thing that’s keeping my brain from eating itself. THAT DEFINITELY COUNTS AS HAPPINESS. (Seriously, though, it does. I am happier when I’m writing. Full stop.)
Amanda: I think we all have thoughts like those occasionally. Some more occasionally than others. I think it’s learning how to not give them too much power over your day-to-day life. Don’t ask me how, still working on that.
Marieka: Thank you! So much. I especially like that bit about the butter.
Pete: Glad it’s helping! That’s one of best things about blogging – reading my favorites and determining what they do that I like and how I can improve what I’m doing. Also, the cobbling together a life purpose is really spot on. Nobody really has just one Purpose, Official.
October 30th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
I know how you feel about not ever wanting to leave the heaven-that-is-your-bed. I felt like that when I was unemployed for about 5 months. Writing was the only thing that kept me sane (or gave me a feeling of contributing to this world).
And on the days that the lemurs are going ape? It’s okay to ask for help (or fish for the occasional compliment, or come back to the blog comments where people said nice things about you). It’s easier to be reminded why you’re great by other people. Remember, other people think you’re witty and smart and an inspirational writer. I do.
October 30th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
Sorry about your job!
I was just having a conversation with one of my co-workers about writing the other day. I told her how I wanted to write a novel and she asked what was holding me back and I told her that the minute I write it on paper, that’s when people will call me a shitty writer. What kind of fucked up logic is this? I HAVEN’T EVEN PUT A WORD ON THE PAPER YET!
I don’t know why we do that to ourselves.
October 30th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
No! That sucks! I thought this was the dream job?! Boo.
I am so sorry, but I too believe there is something great waiting just around the bend for someone who is so great.
If nothing else maybe God is telling you to do NANOWRIMO.
Major hugs coming to you from Sacramento.
October 30th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
Damn jobs. Damn them.
October 30th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
I’m in your same boat, actually. And it’s sucksville.
I’m so sorry.
xox
October 30th, 2009 at 5:29 pm
You don’t know me, and I don’t know you, but I can tell you this: your words are some of my very favorite words to read. You’re a damn genius, and I happily devour every magnificent blog posting and Tweet you muster.
I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your job, but I imagine it’s only a matter of time before someone recognizes your brilliance and snatches you up.
My best wishes to you!
October 30th, 2009 at 6:50 pm
I second Jessica’s sentiment. Your writing is beautiful, funny, and smart. And I look forward to reading it every time I see a new post or a new tweet.
October 30th, 2009 at 6:53 pm
oh man I am so sorry to hear about that. Give yourself more credit, you deserve it ok?!
October 30th, 2009 at 11:07 pm
That job news is teh suck. So, so sorry to hear that happened.
And I’ve been thinking about the whole writing thing a lot this week (obviously). I definitely get that “someone’s already said it/said it better” self-defeating mantra, and even worse, I get the “the world doesn’t NEED this so why should I bother” mantra. (That’s actually the sole reason I didn’t go to grad school: because I was a Shakespeare scholar and the world really doesn’t need more Shakespeare scholars, it really doesn’t, so I decided to just stop.) Both tapes lead us to the same place, though: if you want to write, you have to do it for YOU; the rest is just gravy.
October 31st, 2009 at 2:43 am
what, no tarsiers, only lemurs? when losing an employment position, one can say it is an opportunity in hiding. also, take heart in the Marxist (bros.) slogan: work is the curse of the drinking class.
October 31st, 2009 at 6:45 am
We’ve already talked about the job loss and I’m still sorry.
I agree with Leah. Write for you and the rest is gravy. xoxo
October 31st, 2009 at 4:59 pm
Don’t ask the lemurs. They don’t talk much anyway. But if you watch the lemurs all day and just write what they DO, you could be a biologist. For some reason in our society they tend to get paid better than writers who make you laugh so hard that your Ocean of Wisdom tea snorts out your nose and shorts out your laptop. (I now have a silicone guard over said keyboard). But which would most of us rather read? Until it is acceptable to write romance novels with lead lemurs, I think the biology stuff is going to stay a bit dry.
November 1st, 2009 at 2:18 pm
I’m so sorry to hear about your job. I hope that, for you, this presents new and better opportunities. Keep looking up!
November 1st, 2009 at 6:29 pm
Sorry about the job, but maybe the closing of this door, will open better ones(I say stuff like this to myself too!). To positive thinking, and zen like calm, and fingers crossed for things working out sooner, rather than later.
November 1st, 2009 at 10:07 pm
I hate that! And I hate them – and the fact that I’m kind of feeling like they snaked you away from a decent job for apparently no good reason. I had to double check the date to make sure this wasn’t some long forgotten, flashback of a post that you may have been doing as a Halloween prank.
But all things do happen for a reason and it will turn into something good for you.
November 1st, 2009 at 11:04 pm
I’m so sorry you lost your job. That royally sucks.
ALSO! You are great. And I love your blog. And I think you’re hilarious and deep ALL AT THE SAME TIME. That is balance and AWESOME, my friend. Keep kicking the lemurs down (they really have no clue).
November 2nd, 2009 at 4:43 am
I’m so sorry to hear about your job. I’m really glad you’re continuing to write, because I do think you’re a fabulous writer, and whether or not you are actively trying to “make your way in the world,” you already ARE making your way in the world — even if it doesn’t look exactly like you want it to just yet. Hoping that makes sense.
November 2nd, 2009 at 10:46 am
Boo, stupid job! Boo, mean lemurs! (They are cute little buggers though.)
I’ve also been struggling with the whole purpose thing. When did 31 become the Year of the Mid-Life Crisis? The hell.
November 2nd, 2009 at 5:21 pm
Sorry Moose!
November 3rd, 2009 at 5:58 am
I’ve always felt that job loss, like new-found single status, should be congratulated… So let me be the first to say: Congrats! It’s never easy, but there’s always a bright side. Sleep late, read late, enjoy what you can.
November 5th, 2009 at 4:33 pm
I’m sorry to hear about the job, but will take a page out of David’s book.
Congratulations on the new adventure that you’re about to go on!!
November 5th, 2009 at 4:34 pm
I’m sorry to hear about the job, but will take a page out of David’s book and say,
Congratulations on the new adventure that you’re about to go on!!
November 5th, 2009 at 4:36 pm
I’m also sorry to hear that I was so sorry to hear about it that I posted twice. DO-OVER!
November 10th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
Ugh, I’m catching up your posts in reverse order, and that means I’m seeing the job news last. Damn it, damn it, damn it.
It just so happens, though, that before I read this post I was migrating mail from my old computer to my new one, and I saw an old email from a dear friend. She was responding to a message in which I told her some bad news, and she responded this way:
“SHIT. Or maybe not shit. Calling you now.”
She called and helped me toward the realization I was already limping to, which is “not shit.”
ANYWAY, my deeply buried point is this: Find the silver linings and shine a light on them so they’re easier to see. Like, dangerously reflective and possibly blinding. xo