There’s a Small Bit of Sincerity and Honest Self-Examination Buried in the Jokes. Somewhere.
Posted by Moose on September 21st, 2009. Filed under: Love.Dating stumps me. Not the mechanics of it – conversation and a glass of something red is the easiest thing in the world, even if he’s a mouth-breather with the hygiene of an alley cat and the table manners of a pigeon. What really baffles me is how to choose the right person.
I’ve always prided myself on having something of an instinct for these things – I’ll get a strong feeling and I go with it. One could call that intuition. One could also call it delusion. The jury’s still poking at damning evidence with a stick and mumbling.
Despite a rather astute observation that I haven’t dated enough to even have a pattern, I’ve still noticed a few similarities in my responses. Scenario 1: Are you really into me? Really? You’d like to plan outings and would possibly consider buying me a nice Christmas gift or holding my hand in public without three stiff gin and tonics first? Well, goodness. SUDDENLY YOUR APPEAL HAS DIMINISHED. Scenario 2: Would you like to ignore me for a week before calling at the last minute and then, if things go really well, kick me out of the house on Thanksgiving? WHY HELLO THERE, HANDSOME.*
Even on Match.com, I find myself veering toward the people who never email me back, while the ones who obviously want to hear from me are as intriguing as cold, congealed oatmeal.
This troubles me. For obvious I-don’t-want-to-die-caustic-and-heirless reasons. A friend recently asked if I thought I could let myself be really loved and supported. There was a lengthy and rather unwholesome pause, I DON’T MIND TELLING YOU. My answer had sixteen degrees of hesitation and thirty-seven brands of wishy-washy. I am the Charlie Brown of love.
I do want someone who will love me and wants to put in the effort with me (and vice versa, of course). Which brings me to the uncomfortable question: were the men o’ Moose Dating Past the right people for the time, or DOES MY JUDGMENT JUST REALLY SUCK? Trying to choose something new sets me adrift in an unfamiliar pond. It’s murky and there’s slime at the bottom and I’m crowded by lots of angry ducks. I don’t like ducks, unless they’re lightly seared by someone who knows where to buy truffle oil.
That said, I’m quite determined to figure this out. My not-so-attractive stubborn qualities can be quite useful here. What I don’t know is if it will require a lot of work and effort and vaguely terrifying growth, or if it will all just fall into place when the time is right. Really, I just want to know how to plan my year.
Maybe the answer is money. Make enough to buy myself a house, adopt a kid, and hire some help. AND I CAN FORGET ABOUT THIS WHOLE WRETCHED MESS. BRILLIANT! How much do cabana boys go for these days?
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* Because I feel compelled to qualify: all scenarios are exaggerated (um, mostly) and I don’t have any rancor or even slight lingering dislike toward any exes or pseudo-exes. In fact, I’m quite fond of all of them. I’m just trying to look at why I wasn’t happy and how I can avoid that next time. Like, for example, simply grabbing his hand. CONCEPT. Take responsibility for yourself, etc., even though it’s no fun at all. You know what’s fun? BLAME IS FUN. DAMN IT.
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September 21st, 2009 at 8:56 pm
Love BLAME IS FUN. It’s so true!
Dating effing sucks, sister. It is awful. You deserve the best guy in the world. And by the way, I’d totally hold your hand, with 0 gin and tonics.
September 21st, 2009 at 9:34 pm
I dunno… my go-rounds with sites like Match.com left me feeling like I was spending far too much time trying to separate the teensy sliver of signal from the crap-ton of noise. I never did succeed.
However! A concerted effort to spend time with new friends, and meet their friends, and meet those friends’ friends, paid off pretty well. And was significantly more fun than sifting through vague, repetitive emails from clods. Match.com, for instance, does not serve cocktails.
September 21st, 2009 at 9:53 pm
Oh GAWD I do not miss dating (sorry that was so UPPITY, but this is how I’m reacting).
Also? There is a person out there who will fight to love you even when you push them away. There was for me anyway. Don’t give up!
September 21st, 2009 at 10:38 pm
Oh match dot com. I was the world’s largest match dot com disaster. It was, in a word, epic.
Hang in there, sister. When you’re ready, he’ll show up. They always do.
September 22nd, 2009 at 7:05 am
I’m a Match success story, but only (as with most, if not all, things relating to dating) by pure luck. I had more than my fair share of inane emails (“U R an ANGEL. Lets us get together”, etc.), but I really did appreciate the insight that Match afforded me into potential dates’ grammatical skills before I decided if I would meet them. Plus, my issue before had always been PHYSICAL ATTRACTION first, and then: “oh, crap, the guy’s a dolt? Crap.” So. Trust your instincts into who amuses you. My husband was able to snag my interest (I had written that a large, you know, vocubulary was a turn on) by crafting an email using “triumvirate”, “malinger”, etc. Love at first write. (I know, you’re all gagging.)
September 22nd, 2009 at 8:42 am
I stopped looking, then when he popped in front of me I tried to push away the man I ended up marrying. They say it jumps up and bites you when you stop looking for it, “they” have just never been really plain about how to go about doing that.
It will happen. I feel it!
September 22nd, 2009 at 8:45 am
Man – that is some really fantastic grammar and punctuation I just made you all muddle through. Sorry.
September 22nd, 2009 at 8:45 am
I am soo right there with you. Post-relationship and wondering where the hell to find someone nice, normal, and employed. And, whether I’ll give him the time of day if/when he shows up. Sigh.
xox
September 22nd, 2009 at 8:58 am
ugh, tell me about it. If he’s not damaged, I seem to have a gag reflex. I am working on, as my therapist puts it, being a “warrior-goddess in the relentless cultivation of self-love.” Care to join?
September 22nd, 2009 at 9:09 am
Oh, Moose, you’ll figure it out! (And I’m sorry, I have been totally recalcitrant on getting you an email about my old profile. Or about anything, really — my work project has hit the OH SHIT! stage and I’m kinda freaking the hell out over here. The gallon off coffee I’m currently drinking on a daily basis probably isn’t helping much, huh?)
Drinks after work soon?
September 22nd, 2009 at 10:09 am
Man. You are certainly a girl after my own heart – I couldn’t have said it better myself. Especially because the MINUTE they start really paying attention and stop playing games? I flee the scene. WHY is that?!
September 22nd, 2009 at 11:52 am
Oh man, I hate Match.com. I know I’m not a supermodel, but I am also not fugly. I’m tall, attractive and I like sports! But the last time I was on Match, I got ZERO emails. ZERO. Do you know what kind of blow that is to the self-esteem?
I just think if it is meant to happen it will. Or maybe I need to try eHarmony. Or maybe spend more time in Home Depot. I DO NOT KNOW.
September 22nd, 2009 at 12:29 pm
While I was having some ill-considered (read: tequila-fueled) alone time with the last guy I liked, his friends stole my cash and my debit card out of my purse. Which he totally knew about.
So I’m finally admitting that I have spectacularly bad taste in men and I’m ignoring the whole question of dating until the universe provides a worthwhile option. (Also, I am staying away from tequila.) It would be so much easier if I could muster up some romantic feelings about one of the nice guys I know.
Dating sucks.
September 22nd, 2009 at 8:48 pm
Stick with your gut, as I’m sure it will point you in the right direction somewhere along the way.So I’m going with ‘everything will fall into place at the right time’. I know, sometimes it’s a tiring mantra to hold on to, but hold on to, you must.
All this from someone, who might have to repeat all this to herself for starters!
September 22nd, 2009 at 9:32 pm
When I was dating online, I found that it took about 10 minutes of chatting, or one good email exchange, to have an idea whether or not they had (1) a sense of humor (2) any idea how to use the English language. The other big plus is the ability to read a profile and recognize many undesirable traits rapidly.
It’s a time/numbers game – everybody there has a few good possible matches, but most of them are not you. And you have a few good possible matches, but it’s not most of them. It’s just a few. That’s ok, it’s just the way it works. Remember, you’re filtering WAY more efficiently than you would if you were trying to do this in person!
October 2nd, 2009 at 7:28 am
When I was dating…Match.com was only good for the comedy gold of those e-mails. My closest guy friend and I still occasionally joke about them. Otherwise? The dates were nightmarish.
I met my husband in a bar, I KNOW. But I saw him and had to talk to him, so I did. He said that if I hadn’t, he doesn’t know that he would’ve had the guts to approach me. We’ve been married over 4 years now. Sometimes grabbing his hand is the right thing to do