A Chippendale is Just a Fancy Cabinet Anyway
Posted by Moose on August 18th, 2009. Filed under: Friends.I used to think showing emotion in public was akin to stripping off my bra and whirling it three times over my head to better wrap it around an innocent chandelier. The chandelier I would then swing from by my knees. But I’m getting sappy in my fourth decade. My sarcasm gene squeaks in undignified dismay, but there it is. This new tendency mixes awkwardly with my long-nurtured reticence, and leads to unfortunate outbursts and mangled toasts. Yes, this is what I do with toasts: I muddle them until no one is sure if I’m toasting the bride-to-be, reciting a Shel Silverstein poem, or discussing the migratory patterns of the Norwegian mongoose.
All this to say, when I toasted Holly at her Non-Bachelorette Bachelorette party, I made such a hash of my tribute that if you added some nice chicken and a bit of thyme you’d have a balanced breakfast. Luckily, nobody minded. Because they are the type of friends who will let me cry on their shoulder, sleep on their couch, and kindly overlook the fact that NOT EVERYONE CAN BE ELOQUENT WITHOUT INDEX CARDS.
(Can anyone be eloquent without index cards? If so, who are you? Will you teach me your crafty brand of magic? Do you also fly with wings that fold under your organic cotton t-shirt and solve esoteric algorithms in your spare time?)
May, Holly, and me. And some very delicious beverages. Served to us by a bartender with ESP. Really! Holly never actually ordered, but he appeared with exactly the drink she wanted. A man who knows what a woman wants without her having to ask for it? WHY DIDN’T I PROPOSE ON THE SPOT?
It was a lovely, celebratory night with some of my very favorite people, delicious fancy hamburgers, pink sequins, a bottle of champagne, and my rude reaching dessert arm. It was just about perfect. Except I still think that celebrating such an amazing woman requires a troupe of tap-dancing armadillos. AT THE VERY LEAST. (I was over-ruled. Even with the promise that the armadillos would keep their trousers on.)
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More pictures are here. They’re worth it. Especially the WE’RE NOT HOOKERS shot. Subtitle: DO HOOKERS WEAR GAP CARDIGANS? I DIDN’T THINK SO!
August 18th, 2009 at 6:12 pm
Sounds like a really fun night!
I think maybe you’re underestimating your toasting ability. I mean if you can combine Shel Silverstein, migratory birds and the bride to be in one speech? My hat is off to you!
August 18th, 2009 at 6:58 pm
I am abysmal at any form of public speaking. Speaking? Yes. All the time, never ending, can’t make it stop! Public speaking? I would rather throw myself out the window. Even WITH index cards. Glad you cuties had fun though!
August 18th, 2009 at 7:16 pm
As a Gap Brand Enthusiast, I feel the need to say that hookers most certainly do NOT shop at Gap. Not that Gap discriminates against hookers! But, well, you know.
Also? Your toast was lovely. And my head is too big for an English hat. It’s official. I tried on every hat on Haight Street to no avail. Sigh. Think I may employ those peacock feathers we got when we caught and skinned–er found the feathers in that craft store–and make a headband or my own fascinator.
Will I get booted from ye olde time affair, you think?
August 18th, 2009 at 7:18 pm
So, I left this comment on Holly’s blog, but I think your “dessert-stealing arm” looks buff and well-defined. Well done!
Yep, I’m a creep for noticing that stuff, but whatever.
August 18th, 2009 at 9:44 pm
Love!
xox
August 19th, 2009 at 3:51 am
Oh, I love your dress! (LOVE!)
August 19th, 2009 at 10:57 am
Well, you are allowed to have index cards for the toast you will give at the fancy bachelorette party you’re throwing me in New Orleans.
You know, if I ever get engaged.
August 19th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
hookers don’t wear anything I thought. but what do I know?
August 19th, 2009 at 5:15 pm
So far I have avoided giving any such wedding related toasts. I think it would be best for everyone if we can keep it that way.
It looks like you have a very nice time, and I certainly would not have thought you all were hookers if I’d seen you. Escorts maybe, but not hookers.
August 19th, 2009 at 5:17 pm
That’s supposed to read “It looks like you had a very nice….”
So either imagine it actually says that, or read it in a foreign accent to make the tense mix-up charming rather than sloppy.
August 19th, 2009 at 8:06 pm
I gave a toast at my sister’s wedding and I didn’t say one coherent thing. I wish I could blame it on being drunk, but I was 5 months pregnant…so, there’s that. heh.
I’m sure your toast was way better than mine