RIP Yuppie Technology
Posted by Moose on July 20th, 2009. Filed under: Adventures.Irrefutable proof of a healthy mental state: After dropping my almost brand-new iPhone on the concrete floor of the grocery store and shattering the glass face, instead of completely losing my shit, I just mumble “Huh. Bummer.” Then I turn it over, gently poke it, and think “There’s a blog post that just wrote itself.”
In the past, such accidents have inspired a meltdown of distraught toddler-esque proportions – and, yes, it’s just as attractive in a grown woman as you would expect. I was especially prone to dissolving when money was involved.* Several years ago, my brain would have jumped from Must Now Replace Phone to an increasingly hysterical inner diatribe about the car that needs work, and that whole slew of inexplicable parking tickets, and a wedding in San Diego in a month, and…and…. Cue sobbing in the middle of Rainbow, until an aging hippie offers to wave burning sage around my head to cleanse my bad chi.
But when I bent over to pick my poor, bruised phone off the floor this afternoon, I felt entirely calm. My brain did catalogue the mounting expenses, but it did so in a very rational way. It’s soothing, this rationality, like an unfamiliar cool bath after being turned on a spit over a bed of volcanic lava for the past thirty years. Occasionally basted with a blend of hot tar and stinging nettles, while George Bush’s dulcet tones sing me a lullabye. But I barely recognize that person any more AND THANK THE GOD OF IMBALANCED MELODRAMA FOR THAT.
* I have some issues around money I’m slowly sorting out and hey, look! HERE’S ANOTHER OPPORTUNITY TO WORK ON THEM. Thanks. I think.
Anyway, the phone still works, but it’s now prone to inserting glass slivers into my index finger when I try to unlock it. Can they fix that? Or do I have to buy a new one? (Please tell me they can fix it. LIE IF YOU HAVE TO.)
Sadly, this would happen just as I learn how effortlessly my phone enhances the comedic slapstick routine that is my life. Observe:
Many pictures from my birthday tea include unabashed hamming. Not here. Yes, that IS how I look when I talk on the phone. Pure and undiluted me, errant bra straps and all. I had no idea I channeled a muppet on laughing gas when conducting a basic phone conversation, but there you have it. I think I laughed for a solid two minutes when I saw that photo. It makes me laugh even now, when a whole and un-shattered phone pressed firmly to my ear is but a distant memory of better, less expensive times.
So if you try to call me and I don’t pick up, it’s not because I don’t love you, or because I’m at work, or racing down the hall and falling down my steps to grab the phone before it stops ringing – it’s because IT WILL CARVE MY CHEEK INTO RIBBONS IF I TRY TO USE IT. I do love you, but I’d rather send you a nice email.
—
Public Service Announcement: If your iPhone has a tragic introduction to a cement floor, don’t take it to Apple. You can get it fixed for much cheaper here. $85 sounds like a right bargain after you’ve spent a few hours chewing over Apple’s quoted $199. We’ll skip my naive horror at Apple’s wretched customer service and jump straight to: HOORAY, BARGAIN! Most of my mistakes are far more expensive.
Related posts:
July 20th, 2009 at 9:45 pm
Oh crikey, you’re all grown up now!;-) Love the older and wiser reaction to the now “I am capable of slicing your cheek into ribbons of red” phone.
Btw, nice “birthday tea” pictures, and the one on this page….definitely a winner.:D
July 20th, 2009 at 9:48 pm
Sorry about the phone. If you slap a screen protector on it the screen might stop cutting you. Love ya!
July 20th, 2009 at 9:52 pm
I’m impressed. And yea, maybe screen protector. Maybe clear packing tape?
July 20th, 2009 at 10:07 pm
You’re in luck! Apple changed their policies lately, and they’re replacing screens for free if they’re under warranty (which yours almost certainly is). While you wait!
July 21st, 2009 at 12:23 am
If Humuhumu is correct, then your problems are solved! Until you drop it again. So do what I did after I dropped my iPhone and shattered its screen into thumb-shredding shards: Buy one of those ugly, rubbery covers and use it. Makes the phone easier to grip, so you won’t drop it. Makes the phone bounce a little if you manage to drop it (as I do), and it won’t break. Ta-dah!
July 21st, 2009 at 5:35 am
Anyone who can laugh at themselves (as I am prone to do) is DEFINITELY a friend of mine.
Go get that phone fixed, lady
July 21st, 2009 at 6:05 am
Oooh, bummer about the phone. Why apple would make a phone whose screen breaks so easily when you drop it is beyond me. I mean, I drop my phone at LEAST 8 times a day. And I have to think I’m not the only one. Cell phones are MADE to be dropped, what with the wild gesturing when you talk on the phone and fumbling frantically in your bag to find them before they stop ringing and all. Luckily, I’m too cheap to buy an iphone and my “free with contract” flip phone just merrily adds another lovely scuff to its exterior when I drop it
July 21st, 2009 at 7:32 am
Is this all because of the no-sugar eating?! Because I really need to get back on track then, as I am definitely the person who LOSES THEIR SHIT when money is involved, be it $5 or $500. It’s super hot.
And as for the iPhone, good for you. May it rest in peace.
July 21st, 2009 at 8:39 am
As a woman who once dissolved into tears (in public) after dropping/breaking her camera (the inner monologue being “I’m trying to save money! I just got this camera! I’ll never get a house! I’ll never have money! I am a failure as a grown-up!) I am VERY impressed with your calm reaction. Go Moose!
July 21st, 2009 at 8:46 am
Take that phone in stat. They’ll give you a new one, lady. Or replace that screen.
And I’m impressed you didn’t sob. I most certainly would have
July 21st, 2009 at 9:33 am
Bummer! I did this a couple of months ago and googled broken iphone screen and found a place in Irvine that fixes them. This worked for me because I live close to Irvine, but you would have to send it in, which I was hesitant to do but after using them would recommend it. Of course, I’m sure you can also google it and see what there is in the Bay Area – that is, if Apple doesn’t replace it. And then, yes, purchase one of those rubber covers – definitely not as cute as the knitted cozy, but durable (I dropped mine down concrete stairs this weekend and it just scratched the cover. I recommend the incase that is grippy – not glossy. It’s pretty unobtrusive (could possibly still fit in the cozy) but gets the job done.
July 21st, 2009 at 9:47 am
Is it sad that I’m still jealous of your iPhone even with the new ribbon carving enhancements? It is sad. And a sign that I’m *this close* to just breaking down and getting one.
Also, holy crap all those TINY SANDWICHES. I really like sandwiches, and everything is more appealing when it’s tiny.
July 21st, 2009 at 10:30 am
I can’t tell you happy I am to hear that you fine folks have had similar reactions. Not that I wish any pain on you, of course, it’s just nice to know I’M NOT THE ONLY ONE.
And, yes, I do think the No Sugar helps. As does the acupuncture, the therapy, the everything. Project: Stay Sane in full swing!
July 21st, 2009 at 10:44 am
I need to start calling you so I can imagine that’s the face you’re making. I’d laugh more often. Although, hey, if we’re still on for September (swinging through SF to pick you up), I’ll have to call when we arrive and I AM LAUGHING ALREADY, TWO MONTHS PRIOR.
July 21st, 2009 at 12:25 pm
I’m sorry about the phone too – but it does seem as if this means you’ve grown up on us – Congratulations!
I watched my little razor bounce back up to my hands as I dropped it in Lowe’s. If didn’t break nearly like that, and now, three years later I can’t bear to give it up. (again – I don’t get impaled by my phone – it just bent)
July 21st, 2009 at 10:14 pm
Is there some sort of transference going on here….you know, like between you and your readers!?!
Last night I cracked the topaz part of my topaz finger ring(sssh, pls don’t tell my sis about this), and yeah, there’s not much of a ring to go with anymore.
My Reaction:
1. OMG, Oh noooooo….
2. Oh well….time for some jewellery shopping…
3. This is so deja vu…ah,sorta like that Moose technology post I read earlier in the day…
4. Must tell Moose(oh yeah, ’cause she’d die a million deaths if she didn’t know this itty bitty piece of news!).
And so,here I am again.
P.S. Those sandwiches just might help!
July 22nd, 2009 at 12:09 pm
When I emailed you yesterday to ask what happened to your iPhone, you were probably like “BITCH, READ MY BLOG POST!” I feel sheepish now.
This “I had no idea I channeled a muppet on laughing gas when conducting a basic phone conversation” made me laugh hysterically. Much like the photo.
You know, your iPhone should have had its sweater on.
July 22nd, 2009 at 12:37 pm
great photo! I fear every day that I break my iphone. ick! And happy birthday!
July 22nd, 2009 at 4:55 pm
I really love your sense of humour and ability to take things lightly.
I’m pretty sure my potty mouth would have gotten the best of me in that situation.
July 22nd, 2009 at 10:26 pm
I kind of want a picture.