Turns Out, I Need My Skeleton
Posted by Moose on July 15th, 2009. Filed under: Adventures.I almost walked home with a needle sticking out of the top of my head last night. The acupuncturist caught it before I walked out the door, which is something of a bummer because my newfound antenna would’ve provided a perfect opportunity to perform my Yip Yip monster impression for strangers on the street. Something I think we can all agree is a valuable public service.
Last time I had acupuncture, Clinton was still serving his first term. Somewhere between the Monica Lewinsky fiasco, the epic eight years of Bush, and Obama’s inauguration, I TOTALLY FORGOT HOW MUCH I DESPISE NEEDLES. Well, that’s not entirely true. I do know that getting the occasional vial of blood drawn is horrific, something I dread with every fiber of my being – at least, every fiber that’s not already consumed with bracing for zombie attacks or the news that Friday Night Lights has been taken off the air. But having a technician wrap a blue band around your arm and prod aimlessly at your veins is meant to be horrific. The needles are big, they’re sucking vital fluids from your body, cookies and juice are available on the greater than average chance you’ll hit the floor like an Edwardian heroine whose floppy-haired fiance has just been caught with a transvestite hooker. Giving blood is one public service I can never bring myself to perform. (Unlike the Yip Yip monster impersonation.)
But acupuncture is supposed to be healthful. All Eastern medicine-y and full of the wisdom of the ages and shit. The obvious escapes me yet again, but it never registered that it would hurt. Like someone was hammering a miniature spike into my ear, first Transcontinental Railroad style. Then she left the room and I realized she’d taken my skeleton with her. Luckily, she gave it back, but it took a good three minutes to remember how to move my arms. I’m still a little floppy. But, man, did I sleep well. That kind of quality time with the backs of my eyelids is worth having the posture of a jelly fish for a few days.
[Edit, lest I give everyone the wrong impression: I really like acupuncture and will be going back. It relaxes me like nothing else - well, like nothing that isn't a horse tranquilizer (try that for a nice 15 hours of sleep!) - and I think it's helpful on a number of levels. But oh how anxiety-riddled I feel when someone's coming at me with a stack of needles and a militant expression.]
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July 15th, 2009 at 9:51 am
Scott got acupuncture for about six months for his headache, and had the same reaction every time: YOW! He stopped getting it, because he was in more pain after he left than he ever was before someone impaled him with lots of tiny needles.
Also, good news! FNL has been renewed for TWO more seasons!
July 15th, 2009 at 9:59 am
A friend of mine was studying to become an acupuncturist so she offered me free acupuncture. I’m fairly certain I am someone who would benefit from acupuncture – and I love free stuff – but I couldn’t do it. Voluntarily being stuck with many needles? Um, hell no.
July 15th, 2009 at 10:02 am
Ok, acupuncture freaks me the heck OUT. I could care less about your average needle (my mom was a phlebotomist and delighted in bringing home her largest gauge needles to *inject* our Thanksgiving turkey with butter every year) but the thought of someone poking me for no discernable reason gives me the heebie jeebies. Urk!
July 15th, 2009 at 10:54 am
FNL, FNL, FNL.
Huh, what? This post was about something other than FNL? I must have missed that. Let me re-read.
Oh, needles. Yeah, I think you’re the first person who has been honest about acupuncture hurting. I knew it did in my gut but it’s nice to hear. It’s also great that you think it’s helpful!
July 15th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
I don’t actually mind the blood drawing needles. But acupuncture just seems excessive. I mean one needle is one thing, a whole bunch at the same time? I think I’m sticking to massage and David Tennant to lull me to sleep.
So I guess Friday Night Lights really is good huh? I’ll get on that.
July 15th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
I’m t-e-r-r-i-f-i-e-d of needles, fainting-style as well. I find acupuncture awesome though, because it’s not like they’re in you all that deep, they’re very thin, you don’t bleed or have marks from them (usually) and the benefits are so many. I am glad you’re doing it. And you know, once I had a needle all the way through my Achilles tendon and the only thing I felt was a little pinch when it came out the other side. How’s that for freaktastic?
July 16th, 2009 at 5:35 am
I want to get this, I am a major migraine sufferer, but I need a recommendation. I am not going to just pick someone out of the phone book and trust them to stick me with many needles, ya know? UGH. In the meantime, I guess I will stick with my daily medications, my when needed medications and my when afforded hot stone massages.
July 16th, 2009 at 8:39 am
I’m half dreading, half anticipating my next appointment. It’s a mental cage match between needle squeamishness and a love of lying on a table with nothing to do but relax.
July 16th, 2009 at 10:17 am
I’ve been diabetic since I was two, and prick my fingers to test my blood ten times a day, so I laugh at all of you who are so scared of needles…LAUGH AT YOU!
But I had acupuncture once, and mostly I just thought it was boring. I did feel tingling up and down my spine, but other than that, nothing. Maybe my chi is in such bad shape that it’s unfixable.
July 16th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
my friend is an acupuncturist. i refuse to go because of the very thing you experienced. I am scared to leave and still have something stuck in me and be forced to take it out myself. I know folks love it though.
July 17th, 2009 at 9:52 am
Oh oh! I have that same HH bag but in red. It’s my OBAMA!! bag because it was purchased shortly after he was elected on a high of goodwill and whiskey. Luckily it was half off, but still. Worth it though.
July 17th, 2009 at 11:26 am
As a random aside, does anyone ever reread their blog posts a few days later and think, “Wow. I use a lot of unnecessary words.”
I need an editor. Or a keen eye and ready delete button for the adverbs I love so much.
July 17th, 2009 at 11:44 am
I’m not even really afraid of needles, per se. Like I don’t mind donating blood, or when they have to take blood at the doctor.
But something about acupuncture scares the beejeesus out of me! But the sleep part sounds good. SOLD!
July 17th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
I love acupuncture so so so much. I am a very tense person and nothing soothes me like it does.
Too bad my insurance only covers 12 visits a year which means I only have 2 left.
Enjoy!
July 18th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
I’ve never had acupuncture.
Maybe I should try it…
July 20th, 2009 at 9:24 am
I can’t donate blood either ever since my one and only experience trying it left me kissing the floor. I’m not sure how I would do with acupuncture, though. It sounds interesting, but now that you admitted to the pain of it, I think I might just stick with massages.
P.S. I’m a newspaper editor and I don’t think you overuse adverbs at all.