Moose in the Kitchen

“So. You commute, huh? What do you do on the train?”
Far Better Answers Than The One Actually Given:
“I make voodoo dolls out of empty Pepsi cans.”
“I systematically skin the seats to make myself a warm winter coat.”
“I perform Satanic rituals with a black sweatshirt, a Bic lighter, and an indomitable will.”
“I eat whole roast chickens with [...]

I quit my job on Friday. This announcement was heralded by the dulcet strains of a celestial choir and followed by a parade of liveried, baton-twirling orangutans.
I wasn’t looking for a new job. Getting a new job wasn’t even a speck of shimmering dust on my personal event horizon. I wasn’t sending out carefully edited [...]

Irrefutable proof of a healthy mental state: After dropping my almost brand-new iPhone on the concrete floor of the grocery store and shattering the glass face, instead of completely losing my shit, I just mumble “Huh. Bummer.” Then I turn it over, gently poke it, and think “There’s a blog post that just wrote itself.”
In [...]

I almost walked home with a needle sticking out of the top of my head last night. The acupuncturist caught it before I walked out the door, which is something of a bummer because my newfound antenna would’ve provided a perfect opportunity to perform my Yip Yip monster impression for strangers on the street. Something I think we [...]

If you ever want to experience the warm, tingly sensation of smug self-satisfaction, spend a day vanquishing EVERY SPECK OF DUST from your immediate environment. Seriously, it’s better than Nathan Fillion standing on your doorstep with a bottle of tequila and a glint in his eye. (Uh, not that I know from experience. SADLY.) My [...]

Turns out, the key to my sanity is fast food chicken. Before you flee what appears to be another dull post about Eating Habits and Dear God, I Hope She Doesn’t Mention the Spreadsheets Again, I want to say this: If you have inexplicable mood swings, weird bouts of depression that suddenly vanish, self-esteem issues that make [...]

A few clarifications about that indulgently introspective post below: As a big fan of using every single tool in the arsenal, I will be trying anything that might help – medication, therapy, acupuncture, voodoo. That said, I want to adjust my mindset away from BIG SCARY THING THAT I MUST NOW DEAL WITH (which is [...]