Or Maybe I Just Need Some Really Good Drugs
Posted by Moose on June 30th, 2009. Filed under: Uncategorized.“The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.” – Khalil Gibran
Sometimes I am sad. That sounds like the opening line of a third-grade essay, and not a very sprightly one. But it’s true: Sometimes I’m sad. More often I’m not. But the sadness is there, and has been known to creep out at inopportune moments.
Several weeks ago, a few dear friends expressed concern. I was a little surprised, because I feel more or less the way I always do. Better even, as I’ve been working to develop tools and coping mechanisms for myself. It’s been a hard year, yes, but not a whole lot harder than other years. Still, I appreciated their concern and figured if four people were saying something, perhaps it was time to look at it more closely. So I read up on depression, looked at my diet, my sleep patterns, inspected my drinking habits. (This weekend my mother noted, “If anyone takes your blog seriously, they’re going to think you’re an alcoholic.”) (I’m quite certain I can trust you all not to take me seriously.) (That said, I do like a nice mimosa.) I thought about family patterns, family history (yes, with alcoholism), and how the vast majority of us cry over homeless people, reunited lions, and the occasional well-placed tree branch. Without going into too much detail, I can state with utter certainty that we are a sensitive people.
Cutting sugar out of my diet was a step toward solving the Sad Thing. Except for an unfortunate iced tea incident, I’ve stuck to it. I love sweets, but I love being happy more. I gave up sugar on a whim, simply because I’d heard that it can affect your mood. But when several of you recommended Potatoes Not Prozac in the comments (thank you so very much), I realized how big a role sugar could be playing in my general outlook. Three chapters in and it was a symphony of revelations over here. “If you see a plate full of fresh chocolate chip cookies in the kitchen and you aren’t hungry, do you eat them?” YES. ALL OF THEM. “When you were a kid, did you ever creep downstairs to spoon sugar out of the sugar bowl and into your mouth?” YES. THERE WERE MANY ILLICIT SPOONS. The book talks about sugar sensitivity and how it can affect biochemistry, leading to issues with depression, self-esteem, anxiety, lions, tigers, and bears. Oh my. I’m now tracking my moods and eating habits with all the cunning and guile of Margaret Mead observing a New Guinea tribe, armed with binoculars and a spreadsheet.
As I was rambling on about sensitivity! biochemistry! overwhelming emotions that swish themselves merrily to the nth degree before meandering their way back to sanity! – my mom said something else: “This is who you are, who you’ve always been. And there are beautiful, valuable parts to it as well.”
Then she launched into how I REALLY didn’t want to be born, how the female doctor couldn’t pry out my stubborn head even with forceps so they had to call in a male doctor (with burly biceps, I assume) to wrench me into this world. She may also have mentioned my incessant infant shrieking and how much I should enjoy being alive because it was a very close call there for awhile. Sure, she’d have gone to jail, but do you know what you can do in jail? You can sleep in jail.
She enjoys bringing that up.
Here’s the thing: I’ve been approaching this as a problem. As something to be cut out and solved, beaten into submission with a sugar ban, legal pharmaceuticals, holy water, or whatever else occurs to me. But maybe I don’t need to place my moods – and if you want to be melodramatic, my soul (and who doesn’t want to insert a little melodrama into every possible situation?) – into such distinct disciplines as Happy is Good, Sad is Bad. I can be sad sometimes, maybe more often than most people, maybe not. I can’t say. But I also have a capacity for joy that I treasure. Maybe I can learn to manage the flip side of that joy without viewing it as a virus to be attacked and eradicated. To appreciate that for the times that I’m sad, there are far more times when joy spills out of me. Often expressing itself in rather obnoxious laughter.
Figuring all this out will be a long process, and that’s fine. I’m happy most of the time, enjoy wailing about malaise of the soul and clinging to my smelling salts when I’m not quite so happy, and retreat into my cave when I really need it. I always emerge, and I always emerge happier.
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June 30th, 2009 at 11:13 pm
I think that there’s not a dang thing wrong with feeling sad sometimes. Processes and “figuring it out” (as well as hiding in the cave for a while) are good too. Cheers, friend.
June 30th, 2009 at 11:30 pm
“Sadness is but a wall between two gardens.” – Kahlil Gibran
Here’s to your resilient spirit.
July 1st, 2009 at 1:40 am
I, too, like my sadness every once in a while, and am trying to not think ‘happy = good, sad = bad’ all the time. That said, it’s great to hear you have friends who notice it when the sad might actually become bad.
(And his name is Khalil (KH being a glutteral sound that doesn’t exist in English). Had to point it out; pet-peeve. Sorry.)
July 1st, 2009 at 6:06 am
This is so well put, and I feel like I could say the very same thing. I have trouble talking about it, though, my sadness, and you’ve put it into words so well. But it’s part of what makes us human, and us, and so it’s nice to have another way to look at it and think about it.
July 1st, 2009 at 7:39 am
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me to “smile”… It’s okay not to be Pollyanna, ever even, if you don’t feel like it. It’s also okay and healthy to be angry. Life just sucks sometimes, sometimes for long periods. I think some part of the medicatedness of our country is that people think they’re supposed to be happy ALL the time, and that something is wrong if they’re not. Popeye, right? You are what you are.
July 1st, 2009 at 7:40 am
This is beautiful–thank you for sharing (I’m now off to check out Potatoes and Prozac, I am highly suspicious it will speak right to me.)
xox
July 1st, 2009 at 7:43 am
What lovely thoughts. Perhaps you could send me your glasses so I could try seeing life that way.
July 1st, 2009 at 8:16 am
And you must not forget the story of how at four years of age you wailed–LOUDLY!!!–on the way to a Christmas Eve gathering so that your Aunt Bonnie could hear you coming all the way across the courtyard of her apartment complex. Why? Because your socks were wrinkled.
July 1st, 2009 at 8:58 am
I’ve grown up with a lingering sadness as well. It’ll hit me out of nowhere sometimes; just this empty feeling for seemingly no reason at all. I know how you feel, is what I’m saying. I’m still trying the legal pharmaceuticals route, because although I treasure my self reflective, sometimes-melancholy self, I know it isn’t very healthy for me to be sad for no reason, especially because I have a pretty fantastic life. So all I’m saying is, don’t feel like you’ve failed if you need to go that route too, in addition to the other stuff. You deserve to be happy.*
*speaking of, I know a great therapist in SF. He really helped me through a hard time.
July 1st, 2009 at 10:11 am
You know, I think that it’s all about letting yourself FEEL everything. Does that make sense? I, too, feel like I’m sad more frequently than most people, but I also know that I’m often happier than most people. Part of me thinks it’s just about being open to experiences and feelings.
I sound like a self-help book. Or a guidance counselor. Bah.
July 1st, 2009 at 11:28 am
Your maw cracks me up. Wrinkled socks made me snort.
As for the rest… I don’t have any answers. I say that because I hope it is some consolation. I don’t, you don’t, and the barista likely doesn’t either.
Sad can be normal and healthy. Being sad helps me to appreciate the happy even more. And knowing that I also have happy, my sad is imbued with hope. I wouldn’t trade it.
July 1st, 2009 at 11:59 am
For a while, back in college days, I got a doctor to prescribe some of the legal pharmaceuticals for mood management because some of the moods seemed extreme. But it didn’t like it. Because I never felt that “just a little bit sad” feeling anymore. I decided I wanted to try an manage my moods myself.
July 2nd, 2009 at 7:36 am
I feel the exact same way, with a persistent lingering sadness that I don’t remember ever being without. It’s a lot more pervasive now, at this particularly difficult time in my life, but I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone in feeling like this — and I’ve often felt that it’s ok, it’s just how I am, and frankly I wouldn’t want to be any other way.
July 2nd, 2009 at 12:45 pm
For real. I love you!
And dude, wrinkled socks. Not cool. I’m with ya there!
July 3rd, 2009 at 11:26 am
I most certainly did not watch the Christian the lion video. I have not been sobbing for 5 minutes.
I tend to call it my melanchooooolia…sort of like a dull ache or a constant buzzing. It’s there; I do my best to keep it at bay. Some days I’m better at it than others.
July 3rd, 2009 at 8:34 pm
so i rarely comment, but i’ve been a loyal reader for years. and i want to tell you that one, i appreciate your openness here with us, and two, i’m always impressed with how you deal with things. i don’t know if i’ve experienced the same kind of thing you’re talking about here, but i certainly haven’t ever tried to really analyze and attempt to improve my own moodiness. so i guess i’m saying thank you, for being so mature about yourself (god, that sounds like a condescending old lady) and for inspiring me and i’m sure many others. i’m nowhere near your level of determination to go about finding ‘solutions’, but knowing that you’re doing it and finding successes is wonderful. so thanks. and sorry for the cheesy novel here.
July 7th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
This was great. You write so well. Every time you post something this awesome and poetic, I’m all “man, she must have hated that time I made her go back and forth with me on email about inane things. Especially since I couldn’t stop replying!”
I think many people don’t embrace the sad. And that creates more problems. You’re allowed to be sad. As long as you move past it, you’re good.
And now that you solved that, go have some beignets!
July 20th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
well, like everything, it depends. I agree sad is ok, even desirable at times. Trying to live ones life without ever being sad is silly and to blunt our ability to respond honestly to life is not at all good. However (and you knew this “however” was coming right?), persistent sadness is not normal (absent a persistent, truly unpleasant condition: such as a life threatening disease), and obstructs a balanced experience of both sides of the realities of our life. There is a huge prejudice against anti-depressants, which I shared for a long time. I ultimately recognized that I would not refuse antibiotics if I had pneumonia, insulin if I had diabetes, and it was not a statement of personal failure for my body to need mild biochemical adjustment. My recommendation for those who are having long term difficulty with depression (everyone is depressed once in a while as you all note) is “try a therapist and an antidepressant if prescribed”. If it helps, you needed it, and will be so grateful that you gave it a try. The therapist experience won’t hurt (get some personal recommendations if you can), and will help you make the right decision.
Love your posts, keep them coming.
peace and love
joan