The Twinkie Bandit Steps Down
Posted by Moose on June 22nd, 2009. Filed under: Daily.It breaks my heart to say this, but I gave up processed sugar over the weekend. I know. You can’t believe it. Neither can my friends, my parents, the cashiers at Miette, or that guy on the bus who was once treated to a dissertation on my banana bread. Even my blog banner registers doubt. My love of sugar is a cornerstone of my existence, a major marker of my personality. My nickname at work is Twinkie Bandit, because I once made the grave error of telling my friends that I very occasionally filched Hostess products from my elementary school classmates. My defense (insert obvious joke here) is that I was raised on Hippie Diet (TM), where the featured dessert was tofu pudding. Since realizing my allowance would buy me a Snickers bar at Walgreens and – given proper disposal of the wrapper and militant smeared chocolate check – my mother would never know, I’ve embraced processed sugar with a passion most reserve for long-lost lovers or really good cheese.
But I’ve willingly forsaken (forsooken?) sugar for 49 whole hours now. In spite of attempts by my “friends” to make me cry by parading brownies and an oreo cookie pie under my nose. My nickname has been amended to Plant Assassin, previously established based on the graveyard of empty plant pots next to my door, and now referring to my brutal decimation of innocent apricots while everyone around me licks whipped cream off their forks. (Who eats whipped cream before 11 a.m. on a Monday? Oh, right. I DID. UNTIL 49 HOURS AGO.) (Sniff.)
Why would anyone do this? DEAR GOD, WHY? Well, I’ll tell you. I’m on a quest to regulate myself. My moods, my health, my everything. This may help, so by gum, I will try it.
The aforementioned “friends” gave me 6 days on the sugar ban wagon. The pool is $10 if anyone wants in. Personally, I think 6 days is generous.
June 22nd, 2009 at 4:30 pm
It could just be the fact that there is a TON of sugar in booze, or perhaps it’s a little thing I like to call ALCOHOLISM, but I’m feeling much, much happier after almost two weeks* of not drinking any alcohol. Just saying.
*Can we not count that date I went on last Tuesday? Me + a date – social lubrication = EPIC FAIL
June 22nd, 2009 at 4:40 pm
But you LOVED that tofu pudding! (And yes, I did know about those Snickers bars.)
June 22nd, 2009 at 4:45 pm
Georgia: Booze is gone for me too, at least anything beyond a glass or two of sedate white wine. Minus the sugar and alcohol, my reasons for living are quickly slipping away. (That was a joke.) (SORT OF.)
Mom: You only knew about the Snickers bars because I told you about them 15 years later, right? RIGHT? As for the tofu pudding: SO YOU CLAIM. I will remain unconvinced until you can produce video documentation.
June 22nd, 2009 at 4:51 pm
You can redirect your Miette purchases to my house.
June 22nd, 2009 at 5:20 pm
I know how hard it is to give up processed sugar, for I’ve done it multiple times in my life…never for more than a month or so, but I’ve always been glad I did it, even temporarily.
I salute you, and wish you luck!
June 22nd, 2009 at 5:53 pm
I quit sugar five weeks ago and a couple years back was off it for months. I had a headache at first but it was worth it after the first two weeks. I read a great book- Potatoes Not Prozac that really tied it together for me. Years ago when I quit the white stuff it was for mood regulation and I swear it really worked. Good luck!
June 22nd, 2009 at 6:52 pm
Have thought about trying this to tame the craziness and lose some weight—interested to hear how it goes for you. I’m rooting for you!
June 22nd, 2009 at 7:03 pm
Hot damn, girl! I couldn’t ever make it 49 hours!
June 22nd, 2009 at 7:14 pm
Oh my god! I call it the “Amish Childhood” but I think I was also raised on the Hippie Diet. My mom made her own yogurt, let’s put it that way. I think we are kindred sugar spirits.
On the other hand, I do feel a lot better when I don’t eat sugar. But rest assured, there will be MUCHO sugar in Sacramento.
June 22nd, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Good luck! I keep trying to give up processed sugar and dairy (my mom’s hippie diet for me also included lots of tofu and no sugar, dairy, etc). I was very good as a child and never snuck anything, but now I can’t go more than a day without rushing to the grocery store for some cheese or cookies. It always happens, no matter how many times I repeat to myself “you’ll feel so much more healthy! DO IT!”
June 22nd, 2009 at 8:36 pm
Potatoes, Not Prozac – great encouragement. Noble battle, big payoff, lots of tempters out there. You go, girl!
June 22nd, 2009 at 9:28 pm
Oh goodness–I did a sugar ban for 3 weeks and it was torture, but I felt awesome.
(Said as I devour my 4th Red Velvet cupcake)
xox
June 22nd, 2009 at 9:29 pm
Can you eat Splenda? OHDEARLORD I PRAY FOR MOOSE!
June 22nd, 2009 at 9:29 pm
Okay, I read Potatoes Not Prozak and went off sugar (you can make a surprisingly good hot chocolate with extremely good sugarless cocoa powder and almond/soy milk/milk depending on your choice. It actually helps with the craving.) But I went off sugar mostly because my ex was militant about it. Her moods were, how to put this gently, egregiously affected by sugar. When we broke up, back on sugar I went.
Now everyone around me is doing a cleanse. And I think I’ll be doing one soon myself. So it’s not too long before I wave bye to the sweet stuff myself. Good luck!
June 22nd, 2009 at 9:40 pm
Thanks for the Potatoes Not Prozac recommendation, folks! It’s on my list. And I keep calling it Potatoes To Prozac, which is an interesting – and probably apt – Freudian slip.
June 22nd, 2009 at 9:46 pm
I’ve cut sugar out completely in the past (and barely eat any now) – I can attest to how good you will feel.
Good luck!
June 22nd, 2009 at 10:11 pm
My respect for you just went through the roof. If I gave up processed sugar, there wouldn’t be much left in my diet.
I hope you fill the hole in your heart with CHEESE!
Also, honey and agave nectar are lovely. You can find both at Trader Joes…
June 23rd, 2009 at 12:17 am
Try stevia extract to sweeten your teas and coffee. It’s a natural sweetener that actually supports and nourishes the pancreas and regulates the blood sugar levels. Tastes sweet but with a licorice type aftertaste. I like it better than sugar in my tea. And I love sugar. Hate headaches. But love sugar.
June 23rd, 2009 at 7:16 am
I was going to recommend agave nectar too. I’ve switched to using it in my coffee instead of sugar, and it’s really delicious! In some of my hippie/vegan cookbooks, they make desserts with it. Perhaps you’d like to look into alternatives? That’s totally what I’d do!!
June 23rd, 2009 at 10:14 am
Oooo. I’m planning to do this right after July 4th* in conjunction with other general good health stuff. I’m actually very curious to see how it will effect me, and I’m hoping that’ll win out the suckiness.
*Between a friend’s birthday this weekend and Patriotic Drinking Weekend, I figured there was no point to starting before the 4th.
June 23rd, 2009 at 12:05 pm
I’ll be anxiously awaiting to hear how this goes! Not to hear whether you cave or not, because I’m sure you’re strong enough to do whatever you put your mind to. But to hear how you feel after a few days without sugar.
June 23rd, 2009 at 5:24 pm
I need to ban sugar for a while. Seriously. The choices I am making are not good with the food thing. I’ve had two trips to the icecream store today and my pants are feeling a wee tight. Sugar. If I can just cut sugar….(formerly Movin’ Down the Road)
June 23rd, 2009 at 7:31 pm
Thanks, all! For your faith (haven’t crumbled yet!) and your substitution advice. So glad I live in the original hippie town – much easier to get stevia and agave nectar in San Francisco than in, say, rural Alabama. I presume.
June 23rd, 2009 at 9:52 pm
you can do it. it’s worth it, even just to regulate. power to you, friend.
June 25th, 2009 at 11:13 am
Wow. I don’t even know if we can be friends anymore.
I don’t think I could do it. Mostly because I like to pretend I AM doing it because sugar is only in candy and sweets and I try not to eat a lot of those. Except it is in probably everything I eat.
Good luck!
July 2nd, 2009 at 12:37 pm
You probably don’t, but remember when I gave up chocolate for a month? And nearly made it until I realized I was drinking a chocolate milkshake. And nearly through the milkshake across Barry’s apartment the realization shocked me so much.
Man, that sucked. I was so close. I hope you made it. (I’ll read on, I’m catching up!)