Something’s Rattling In There. Maybe It’s Just My Smug Gallbladder.
Posted by Moose on April 2nd, 2009. Filed under: Love.Last week I spent some time going through my email archives – when you’ve been felled by the wasting plague, you need something to do during the seven minutes a day you’re not sleeping – and I found an email I sent to my ex, about a month before we split up. It was nine sentences long. Four sentences of things I liked about him, followed by five sentences of things I loved about him.
I didn’t do enough of that when we were together. They (the Great and Mysterious They) say happy relationships have five positive interactions for every one negative interaction. I can’t quote you statistics, but I can tell you I would’ve been happy with an even split. I should have sent more of those emails. But then I should have done a lot of things, up to and including remembering to renew my driver’s license and, um, my vehicle registration so my car wouldn’t get towed in 2006. But should’ves will smack you upside the head with a six-day-old trout and then boot you in the liver, so I don’t dwell on it – except to retain the essential lesson. (Let’s hope.)
Lessons Learned:
- Do lots of nice things for your significant other.
- Renew your goddamn driver’s license on time.
Some days I think I’d like another relationship sometime soon – as much as I value my independence and free time, I ultimately prefer being with someone. Of all the wonderful things in life – mojitos on a summer day, losing a game of Scrabble with peerless panache, exiting the DMV for the last time until next year – love is still my very favorite. Besides, my ovaries would prefer not to resemble withered peas by the time I’m in a position to actually use them.
But when I think about my next relationship – whenever it comes and whoever it’s with – I get a little scared. Maybe I won’t be any good at it; even now, when I’m older and more relaxed and so much less of a nightmare than I was at 24. Perfectionists don’t like being bad at things.
My confidence has soared in the last few years, and I know I have it in me to be a fabulous partner and parent. But I think about how badly I’ve bungled things in the past and, yes, it feels a little like throwing yourself out of a plane without being quite sure you passed your skydiving class.
I’ll get over it. I figure my ovaries have a shelf-life of another six years, so I have plenty of time.
[Edit: Hey, look at that! I'm over it! This post was actually written last week, while I was confined to my sickbed like any good, consumptive Victorian heroine. Now that I'm properly exercised and socialized, these maudlin little thought processes have disintegrated. An object lesson in how exercise keeps the crazies in check, I guess. Fear is so much easier to kick in the 'nads when one is healthy and sane(er).]
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April 2nd, 2009 at 5:19 pm
Bah! I send this idea back to the kitchen! Non! I shall not accept it.
You know why? There is no way that I believe for one moment that you were anything less than the World’s Greatest Girlfriend.
Why? Because you are the World’s Greatest Friend.
So, while this is an idea I support in theory and you are very wise, I don’t think you are guilty of not applying it. And never shall I.
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:45 pm
This makes me want to send my adorable boyfriend an email and tell him how much I love him…I have quite a few negative encounters to weigh out.
I understand being afraid of a new thing—it really is super scary. I was single for quite awhile before this one, and it’s still a struggle. But from all I’ve read here, it sounds like you will be an amazing girlfriend, and whoever is lucky enough to wind up with you will be incredibly happy.
April 2nd, 2009 at 6:45 pm
I’m with Anne & May. (Anne? Or May? I don’t know.) I can’t help but think you must have been pretty awesome. Yes, I know, awesome people can do unawesome things, but usually when that happens it’s because we’re trying to smoosh ourselves into situations that just aren’t right for us. (See how I did that? I implied that I am among the awesomes. Clearly not among the humbles.)
Don’t worry, you passed your class. And you have LOTS of time.
April 2nd, 2009 at 8:48 pm
I have spent time with you, and can testify to your awesomeness.
Amen.
April 2nd, 2009 at 9:21 pm
I agree with May. He didn’t deserve you in the first place. Stop with all the hogwash.
April 3rd, 2009 at 8:19 am
When I met the man I married, it suddenly all became very clear. There was a reason I had not lived happily ever after with any previous boyfriend. So don’t be scared! You and your ovaries deserve the very best.
April 3rd, 2009 at 9:50 am
you, my dear, will be GREAT at it.
no question.
April 3rd, 2009 at 5:57 pm
Every failed relationship is just a training ground for the real thing. You learned from (and practiced on) this earlier relationship (and all relationship before him) and we thank them for letting you get some of the kinks worked out.
Sweetie – now you will be even more ready for the real thing when it comes along. Promise.
Chris
April 3rd, 2009 at 6:36 pm
Another piece of advice: Give your SO a ridiculous nickname. Call him that always. It’s hard to stay too mad at someone who lets you call him Pooples.
April 6th, 2009 at 4:21 pm
Oh no, the Pooples comment made me SNORT when I was laughing lol.
Anyway, I think these things sort themselves out. Finding the right relationship for you doesn’t mean that you don’t still screw up. I should know; I’m a big fan of bungling things up. BIG FAN. Lol.
April 8th, 2009 at 11:35 am
If I were single, I’d date you. Duh, that’s a no-brainer.
April 20th, 2009 at 8:55 pm
I bookmarked this to read later as I was in a rush when I first clicked over to it. One of your best posts. There are like five quotable lines in it.