As Soon As I Got a Diagnosis, I Stopped Hurling. I Guess My Body Just Wanted an Explanation, Damn It.
Posted by Moose on March 19th, 2009. Filed under: Adventures.If you combine the unfortunate effects of a few vodka cranberries with an unexpected bout of the flu, it becomes symptomatically perplexing and you get mistakenly sent to the emergency room.
Apparently.
I have the constitution of a Bavarian mule. I honestly can’t remember the last time I had the flu. Or threw up, for that matter. I’ve been a major participant in tossing back two pitchers of margaritas plus a carafe of wine and still managed to hike 14 miles the next morning. I’ve walked in at 8 p.m. and tried to catch up with drunkards who’d been tossing back the bubbly since noon, and not so much as a heave. I’m kind of like Superwoman – if her thighs were bigger and her super-power was the ability to ignore a hangover. So the rate at which my stomach emptied itself – and then emptied it again – and again – and again – and hey, look! again – was perplexing. After the fourth bout, I decided to call the advice nurse, so she could tell me what I could buy at Walgreens that would keep me from wanting to die. The possibility of actual illness hadn’t even occurred to me at this point. I thought it was alcohol. After waking up to find the lights still blazing, shards of glass all over the floor (still not certain how that happened), a pounding headache, and a missing left shoe – wouldn’t you assume the same? After a few questions:
“Can you walk?”
Pause.
“Well?”
“Um, I don’t know. Still sitting here.”
- and -
“Can you keep anything down?”
Pause.
[Sounds of retching.]
Pause.
“No. But I can throw myself face-first into the toilet.”
…she told me to go to the ER. Convinced I was dying of Stupid Girl Drinks Three Vodka Cranberries On An Empty Stomach syndrome, I went. Otherwise, I’d probably have blown it off, like I do most doctor’s orders. See: hearty constitution. See also: unattractive stubbornness. (Though, do you mess with that kind of thing? When a health care professional tells you to go to the ER “sooner rather than later” and “find someone to drive you,” I don’t know that you do. Especially if you’re not really doing anything with your day besides rolling around in bed like a rotisserie chicken and moaning. Wasn’t interrupting my busy schedule of curing diabetes or anything.)
I found a cab (I thought about taking the bus, but that seemed like frugal overkill) (plus, what if I didn’t get a window seat and threw up in someone’s grocery bag?) (that’s just bad manners), and shuffled around three buildings before finding the emergency room. The gift shop is easier to find than the ER, I kid you not. Poor floor plan aside, kudos to San Francisco Kaiser and my health insurance because the waiting room was clean and had a window and in less than five minutes they were asking more questions:
“Any allergies?”
“Besides vodka?”
She took my temperature and blood pressure, related her own story of bile-hurling wretchedness thanks to St. Patrick’s Day and a poorly timed flight, and sent me packing. To my regular doctor – in yet another building – who said, “You have the flu and bad timing with liquor and who the hell sent you to the ER?”
Well, then. Seems my usual instinct to ignore medical advice is pretty on target. But she did give me precisely the instructions I was hoping for when I called the nurse in the first place: Drink anything you can keep down, eat mashed potatoes, stay home from work tomorrow.
And now we know precisely which doctor’s orders I’m happy to comply with: The ones telling me to eat buttery starches and play hooky.
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March 19th, 2009 at 8:43 pm
Oh crappy! I hope you feel better soon.
March 19th, 2009 at 8:43 pm
This sounds awful, mostly because I haven’t puked in 12 years and AM DEATHLY AFRAID OF DOING IT EVER AGAIN.
Hope the mashed potatoes and day off agree with you. Next time: Gatorade, Gatorade, Gatorade.
Take care!
March 19th, 2009 at 8:46 pm
Ooh, sounds unpleasant. I hope you feel better soon. (And if you don’t, I’ll be happy to regale you with tales of my upcoming THREE dates this weekend while you’re miserable in bed. Laughing at someone else’s dating foibles is a great cure for the flu!)
March 20th, 2009 at 1:41 am
Oh yuck! You know, the last time I was as sick as you everyone was out of town and Moose Maw brought me gatorade AND took the blanket I barfed all over home to wash. You should live closer to your mother. She’s awesome like that!
March 20th, 2009 at 6:25 am
Oh no! So sorry you got the double whammy! Did the mashed potatoes really help?
March 20th, 2009 at 8:02 am
Ah honey, I’m so sorry!! Hope today is considerably better than yesterday, but mashed potatoes tend to do that.
)
xox
March 20th, 2009 at 9:48 am
I NEVER PUKE EITHER. We should get together and not puke together sometime.
Feel better, pookins! I’m worried about you!
March 20th, 2009 at 10:25 am
ugh, i haven’t thrown up (sober) in about 10 years — this post almost made me want to after reading the word vodka. feel better… and please refrain from spreading it to the rest of the city
March 20th, 2009 at 10:42 am
Feeling so much better, thanks everyone! I think today is going to be one of those awesome sick days – where you’re still recovering and not up for much but feel pretty good and comfortable. Therefore able to enjoy all the delicious passive entertainment and internet perusing.
May even take a shower and clear away some of the ginger ale empties. Maybe. Wouldn’t want to go too crazy or anything.
Thanks again!
March 20th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
SO sorry you were so sick! I haven’t had the flu in over 2 years but I still remember how awful it was.
Glad you’re on the mend! xo
March 20th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
as nice as being told to stay home and eat mashed potatoes is…it’s still not worth all that barfing. hope you are feeling better soon, miss moose!
March 20th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
ooohh I want a doctor who prescribes mashed potatoes!
March 21st, 2009 at 12:01 pm
me too. (minus the vodka)
March 22nd, 2009 at 3:19 am
Sorry to hear that your with the flu – yuck. Seems to be everywhere right now. I chuckled at the visual of “rolling around in bed like a rotisserie chicken”. I actually laughed out loud.
For some humor and get well entertainment, check out lonely island on youtube.
March 22nd, 2009 at 3:19 am
Sorry to hear that your with the flu – yuck. Seems to be everywhere right now. I chuckled at the visual of “rolling around in bed like a rotisserie chicken”. I actually laughed out loud.
For some humor and get well entertainment, check out lonely island on youtube.
March 22nd, 2009 at 3:22 am
First post hung up and did nothing. Second went through. Now my misuse of “your” in stead of “you’re” is memorialized twice. Yay for me! Please make note of the time. That’s going to be my excuse.
March 23rd, 2009 at 9:10 pm
The flu is the worst and combined with a hangover…ugh. I am so sorry, Moose.
I am NEVER sick in the puke-y way and it’s horrible that you were.
On the positive side, mashed potatoes sound yummy. I’m more of a soup kinda gal when sick but starch with butter sounds divine!
Feel better!