This Is What Happens When I Tell Myself I’m Going To Write Everyday: A Treatise on Girl Scout Cookies
Posted by Moose on March 5th, 2009. Filed under: Misadventures.Did you know Girl Scout cookies are inherently evil? The unholy spawn of a Hershey’s bar, a vat of corn syrup, and two large pillar candles? Of course you did, because you may, like me, have recently found yourself sprawled unconscious atop a series of crushed green boxes, chocolate crumbs dusted liberally over your face. Girl Scouts are to cookies what the mafia is to crime.
Also: I feel ill.
Last night, after we plowed through carbonara and all the wine that was supposed to go into the pasta, Jemima thrust the remainders of the Thin Mints at Kristin and I with a exclamation that sounded suspiciously like: “YOU ARE NOT LEAVING THAT SHIT HERE, BITCHES!” We promptly did as instructed, but not before trying to pawn the half-eaten sleeves of cookies off on each other, and by “pawn” I mean “toss the package back and forth like a hot potato hoping the other will cave first”. I finally prevailed by stuffing half my stash in Kristin’s purse. It was that, or hurling it through the window. Which I might have done, but 1) the window was closed, and 2) I figured I’d already exceeded my Rude Guest allotment for the evening by sneaking into the kitchen to pick the last tidbits of prosciutto from the sides of the pot.
When it comes to sugar, I’m a Pavlovian dog. My response to buttercream frosting is preordained and the fate of that buttercream isn’t pretty. Obviously, I don’t want to be at the mercy of my own poor impulse control, so preventative measures are in place. Measures aided by the blatant lack of extra cookies or spare cakes in the kitchen at work today.
In other news, the oral arguments for Prop 8 are happening within feet – literal feet - of where I’m sitting and I’m missing it. Missing history – and discussions about the validity of my friends’ marriage - because my work ethic is too well-developed (cough) to sneak out. My experience has thusfar been limited to listening to the blaring sirens and creeping around the side of the building this morning to avoid the TV cameras and throngs of protesters.
It occurs to me that the aspersions I cast on Girl Scout cookies are quite similar to what’s being said right now about gay marriage. People who proffer such opinions probably aren’t reading this, so I’ll just put it out into the ether to disperse at will: If you’ll be more tolerant of your fellow human beings, I’ll be more gracious toward the much-maligned Girl Scout cookies. Deal?
March 5th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
Dude, those Girl Scout cookies didn’t even make it home last night. In fact, they never even had a chance.
March 5th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
P.S. That’s why today’s “diet” has consisted of raw broccoli and cauliflower (your favorite).
March 5th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
Check this out: I don’t like Girl Scout cookies. Any of them.
But I cannot resist stuffing kettle chips into my maw at every opportunity.
March 5th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
I don’t like thin mints (sacrilege, I know), but I can’t let those ones with the coconut and the caramel and the chocolate anywhere near my house. Especially if they’re frozen. Good thing I don’t know anyone who has a girl scout daughter (and that Whole Foods Market doesn’t let the little pushers peddle their wares on their doorstep!)
(I think I just drooled a little on my keyboard just thinking about those cookies:-P)
March 5th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
Delurking, sort of, to announce in a protected environment that I have actually never had Girl Scout cookies.
Judge me. Shun me. Help me.
xox
March 5th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
You have ALOT of self control. I have been anxiously waiting to get home so I can watch the CNN videos of the day. Must. Know. What. Happened.
I think the most crushing part of the day was realizing I’d potentially have another 90 days to wait before knowing what the decision was OH MY GOD, SO UNFAIR.
Also, I’m with you on the girl scout cookies. Almost. The lemon ones are pretty tasty.
March 5th, 2009 at 5:01 pm
DEAL… even though I know nothing about Girl Scout cookies
March 5th, 2009 at 5:04 pm
I’m really anxious about the court ruling. I’m praying Prop 8 will be overturned.
Transition
Thin Mints actually aren’t that bad for you. However my favorites are the Samoas and those suckers are TERRIBLE for you.
March 5th, 2009 at 5:21 pm
Oh god, I cannot wait to get my hands on some thin mints. You’ll find my diabetic coma induced carcass next to the freezer (where the thin mints had been stashed) with an empty glass of milk and heaps of those thin crinkly cellophane sleeves.
I do not care for most sweets but thin mints are my weakness.
March 5th, 2009 at 9:15 pm
SEND THE COOKIES TO ME.
We don;t get them in Canada. Metalia sent me some last year and WE LOVE THEM.
Or, just eat them with no guilt, knowing that poor, suffering Canadians don’t have Thin Mints.
March 5th, 2009 at 11:19 pm
I can’t have any until next week when the booths open.
I was on Twitter being tortured by the entire world tweeting about cookies and so I ran to igoogle for sanctuary. (Am now convinced there is a master cookie-taunting plan to taunt me and drive me insane.)
March 6th, 2009 at 8:14 am
Oh, thin mints. They are to die for, aren’t they? And crossing my fingers regarding Prop 8. I’m really hoping for a better outcome.
March 6th, 2009 at 8:24 am
I’m convinced those sweet little scouts sprinkle cocaine into their cookie batter. Without fail, there’s a frenzy every year.
I could really use some Trefoils to dunk into my tea right now.
March 6th, 2009 at 9:56 am
My girl scout cookies will be here in about a week and a half. The date might be circled on my calendar. And entered into my phone.
March 6th, 2009 at 11:29 am
Girl scout cookies keep mysteriously appearing in the break room at work. I think they might be breeding or something.
I was planning to listen to the arguments live on the mighty internet while “working,” but apparently a few (bazillion) other people had the same idea. But I’ve got my fingers crossed.
March 6th, 2009 at 11:31 am
lalala. need i say it again?????????????
there are no girl scout cookies in the great white north.
we have knock-offs. they are called “girl guide cookies” and they BLOW.