These Things Just Seem To Happen
Posted by Moose on January 12th, 2009. Filed under: Adventures.Yesterday was one of those balmy January days where walking out the door in the morning and being greeted with sunshine is like being handed a warm brownie when you’re expecting tofu pudding. (Hi, mom! You’ll never live down the tofu pudding.) So I drove to Crissy Field to stare at the Golden Gate bridge and think deep thoughts like, “If you are what you eat, I am the world’s largest frozen pizza.”
(It’s true. I am. If you see a 5’6″ slice of pepperoni pizza waltzing down the street, come say hello.)
In my defense, I did try to branch out this weekend. From frozen pizza to frozen peas. It was a bold move, and one I’m quite proud of. I made Gordon Ramsay’s pea and mint soup with prosciutto, soup that probably would have tasted better had I used the recommended sprigs of fresh mint, rather than, um, a mint tea bag. A mint tea bag that, incidentally, caught on fire. Somehow. My best guess is the flame from the stove managed to heat the danging paper tab to flash point. All I know is I looked over and saw misplaced sparks. Gordon Ramsay said nothing about fire.
Tempting as it is to race straight back into the waiting arms of my chilly box of Thai Chicken pizza, I’m not letting one small (and flammable) setback deter me from spending more time in the kitchen this year. A plan that goes nicely with my resolve to invite people over more often. Every time I think about inviting someone over, I talk myself out of it before the invitation is even issued. “But my dining room is the size of a postcard and the table is too close to the stove and its aggravating tendency to belch smoke when it intuits a presence other than my own.” “But when people come to visit, their cars get towed. No macaroni and cheese is worth the $500 vehicular bail.” “But they might have a pressing engagement to launder their dish towels.” Etc.
So, yeah, I need to get over that. I’m becoming frighteningly aware of the self-fulfilling prophecy notion, the one that makes you take responsibility for your own life and other such unappetizing notions. Practically speaking, if I want a house full of people and tasty food, I have to make that happen. By maybe inviting people over once in awhile. And re-learning how to cook. Or just tossing a frozen pizza on the table and promising not to set anything on fire.
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January 12th, 2009 at 8:46 am
One time I was making chocolate dipped butter creams and you are supposed to put paraffin in the chocolate before dipping. I didn’t have any paraffin so I chopped up a couple of candles and put them in there. Hey. They are made of paraffin, right? Aren’t they??? Actually, nobody even noticed. The butter creams were fine.
So I can relate to the mint teabag episode.
January 12th, 2009 at 8:54 am
Once I was making one of those awful boxed tuna & noodle casserole dishes where you add just a can of tuna, some milk and some oil & nuke it for a bit. Only I was out of milk, so I squirted a bunch of aerosol whipped cream into the bowl. And I was out of oil, so I sprayed a bunch of Pam in there. But hey, I did have the tuna.
It did not turn out as well as I might have hoped.
January 12th, 2009 at 9:01 am
I admire your ingenuity. I’m one of those who just scraps the whole idea if I’m missing one (random, non-essential) ingredient. Or worse, make a run to the grocery for that one item–like that has ever happened!
January 12th, 2009 at 9:12 am
Like Mandee said, I think the tea bag thing is pretty clever. I always just skip the ingredients I don’t have so all my food always tastes bland. I happen to like bland food so I don’t care, but my guests are always like “oh, plain chicken again?”
January 12th, 2009 at 9:49 am
I’m impressed with the mint tea bag idea, partly because I HATE having to buy an entire package of herbs just to use one sprig.
This is a little different, because it was due to my lack of experience (stupidity) rather than ingenuity, but when I was a cooking newbie I took “vegetable oil” to mean “any oil-like substance” when baking cookies and ended up with cookies that tasted like the olive oil I used and nothing else. Luckily I’ve advanced from that mistake.
Also, if you’re a giant frozen pizza, I am a hot dog with sauerkraut. Belch.
January 12th, 2009 at 10:07 am
The grossest meal I have ever cooked for myself was a Bobby Flay chicken dish that involved a sauce of jalapenos, peas, and mint. I had all the fresh ingredients and it was still FOUL! So maybe it’s just the combo itself. 3 cheers for ingenuity!
January 12th, 2009 at 10:42 am
Balmy? Sunshine? I’m so happy for you!
January 12th, 2009 at 10:59 am
I think you should play up the fire, and sell it as dinner and a show! Guests will flock to your apartment.
I was given some kind of soy “ice cream” instead of the real stuff as a child, so I know where you’re coming from with the tofu “pudding.”
January 12th, 2009 at 11:13 am
For those extra mint sprigs? Mint juleps! They are amazing.
January 12th, 2009 at 11:15 am
Now, in my defense, my children (including you, Moose) LIKED the tofu pudding.
January 12th, 2009 at 11:15 am
I never would have though of a tea bag in replacement for fresh herbs. I’m impressed. As for having people over, I am always happy when I do, but the stress of making sure everything is just right, well, keeps me from going through with it. Of course, I put that on myself. My best event is inviting folks over for booze, making a huge salad with some big loaves of bread and call it dinner. (after I clean the house, that is)
January 12th, 2009 at 11:15 am
Round these parts, we frequently use ice cream in our coffee if we’re run out of cream. Once we’d run out cream AND Splenda, and so Sean stirred his coffee with a candy cane (for sugar) then added a large dollop of cookie dough ice cream (for dairy.) It was…..well, I opted to just skip the coffee that day, I’ll tell you that.
January 12th, 2009 at 11:16 am
Oh my god, would you look at all the errors in my comment? In my defense, I haven’t had ANY coffee yet this morning, not even a cup made with ice cream and candy canes.
January 12th, 2009 at 11:44 am
A mint tea bag is a brilliant idea, I think!
January 12th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
I would have thrown in an Andes candy or a stick of gum, so I think the tea bag is genius!
January 12th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
mmm.5’6 slice of pizza…
January 12th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
I’d come for frozen pizza, if you would have me
January 12th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
Now your blog is making me want to eat cookies AND frozen pizza, and have you ever eaten gluten free pizza? It’s totally uncool, let me just put it that way.
January 13th, 2009 at 5:22 pm
You’re so brave. Don’t let one mishap discourage you from having fun!
January 13th, 2009 at 7:44 pm
I never discriminate against any kind of pizza. Except maybe mint tea bag pizza. Yes. I will henceforth draw the line at mint tea bag pizza.
(Our kitchen is tiny, too. And we have no kitchen table at all. And yet! friends and food and more friends are great fun. Which of course you know because I am your friend. And I am great fun. Also: I ramble a lot. Bonus!)
January 13th, 2009 at 9:08 pm
I love cheap frozen pizza, personally. For instance, the Totino’s Cheese or Hamburger frozen pizza is so awesome. it is $1.10 of pure goodness.
January 14th, 2009 at 9:48 am
Ha! A mint tea bag instead of fresh mint– that sounds exactly how I cook! Oh no, actually the part where you heat up a frozen pizza is exactly how I “cook.” That, and I’m a certified chicken nugget heating expert (I know, I know. It’s impressive. Don’t hate me because I’m talented.)