‘Tis The Season To Jab Your Eyes Out With a Peppermint Stick
Posted by Moose on December 8th, 2008. Filed under: Tis the Season.Tomorrow marks the advent of Kristin’s Hideously Ugly Christmas Sweater (TM) party. Spurred on by rumors of shoulder pads and LED lights, I hustled over to Goodwill on my lunch break today for supplies. And found a veritable cornucopia of unfortunate holiday spirit. I couldn’t hold a basic phone conversation because I was so busy snorting with laughter over the albino Santas, plaid Christmas trees, and kittens with special needs busting out of wrapped packages.
Holiday cheer has been a bit thin on the ground, mainly because I’m still wondering where July went. When I moved last March, I shoved all the Christmas boxes into the back of my storage closet, thinking “Surely I’ll have sorted this mess out by December.” Fast forward eight months and cue hollow laughter. Yesterday evening found me buried to my earlobes in boxes of mix tapes circa 1996 and jeans I outgrew during the Clinton administration as I rooted around for my Christmas crap. All I want for Christmas is a maid with Nazi-like organizational skills and a firm grip on the Pine Sol.
My apartment’s still a mess of boxes, but dagnabit, I will have an ugly sweater for tomorrow’s party. And so will three of my friends, because I couldn’t resist anything that made me double over in laughter. BEHOLD:
Are those…shoulder pads? Why, yes. Yes, they are. Now how about a close-up of those poor kittens, who either hit the ‘nog a bit too hard or were born without the benefit of a fully-formed cerebellum.
Why stop with an albino Santa, a plaid Christmas tree, gingham mittens, and several extraneous shapes? Surely you can fit in a few more patches, if you stretch the polyester just a little farther.
Passive Aggressive Jabs ‘R Us.
This one didn’t make me laugh, but only because I was worried the robins would seize the moment and begin briskly pecking out my eyes.
Who needs a tree when you have four holiday sweaters and a handy coat rack?
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December 8th, 2008 at 10:27 pm
Uh, aren’t those cardinals on the last sweater?
December 8th, 2008 at 10:28 pm
You. Rock. My. World.
Way to embrace the ugliness!
Plus, now Scott and Simons will have matching ugly women’s sweater vests!
December 8th, 2008 at 11:18 pm
My god, your Goodwill had a MUCH better selection than mine! I only managed to get a reversible vest with reindeers on one side and Christmas bells on the other, and a gaudy Christmas tree tie for Sean. I think you might need to bring your extras…..
December 8th, 2008 at 11:23 pm
Ahem. Those aren’t ugly. Those are teacher sweaters. You can spot a teacher (or secretary, or attendance clerk, or aide) anywhere in such a sweater.
I own just such a sweater. Blue, with white stars and Xmas trees. I’ll be wearing it 3x next week, too! But my mom, she has a collection, mostly resembling the 2nd one.
The funny thing is? The kinds love ‘em, which is I think why teachers are willing to invest so much $ in ugly sweater madness.
December 9th, 2008 at 5:31 am
oh mah gawd…that kitten sweater is CLASSIC. It’s just so perfectly awful.
December 9th, 2008 at 6:08 am
oh my good god. I’ve been inspired by the ugly. Those are amazing, excellent finds:)
December 9th, 2008 at 7:03 am
my friends at work all go to an ugly christmas sweater party every year. i need better friends. or i need to live closer to Kristin
December 9th, 2008 at 7:21 am
Hey, email me your favorite. A photo of you in it would be awesome…I’m having an Ugly Holiday Sweater contest with a $50 gift card prize…and your odds are pretty good because I only have 2 entries so far. Please encourage other party-goers to enter, too!
You found some good ones!
December 9th, 2008 at 8:54 am
Holy CRAP, those are bad! Which is good! In a bad way.
December 9th, 2008 at 10:03 am
I laughed out loud when I read Pamzella’s comment, “Those aren’t ugly. Those are teacher sweaters.” How right she is. During my teaching years, every Christmas I would be surrounded by sights such as these. (One year my aide even gave me one, which luckily didn’t fit, so I had an excuse not to wear it.) She’s right that the kids did love them, but I never gave in to the thematic clothing frenzy around me. I did, however, wear charming Christmas earrings!
December 9th, 2008 at 11:38 am
As a joke, I was once given a red holiday sweatshirt complete with a frilly “old-lady” peter pan collar and puffy kitties on it. Yes, I said PUFFY. As in they were three dimensional (I’m sure you know the kind I’m talking about). I was too ashamed to document the horror of it with a photo so sadly, there is no evidence it ever existed.
December 9th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
Truly hideous. Tanks-a-rot, Moose, for rubbing my nose in my own not-so-far-off-future, LOL.
December 9th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
Snorting with laughter is one of the best emotional experiences. Ever.
December 9th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
ha ha ha! I think those are cardinals. I have a friend who seriously wears these sorts of sweaters. I wish I had the courage to tell her to stop. But she’s unique that way.
December 9th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
You people are better than Google. Yes, those are cardinals. My knowledge of birds is right up there with my knowledge of plants. As in, “Yes, I do believe that IS a tree.”
December 9th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
I will NOT reveal the delicious treat I have in store for you but I will give these two hints:
1) I MADE this item of clothing.
2) I am putting the Christ back in Christmas tonight…at a bar…in the Tenderloin.
December 9th, 2008 at 3:35 pm
I LOVE Ugly Sweater Parties. They make the holidays so much more bearable. And itchy. But, still: AWESOME.
December 9th, 2008 at 6:16 pm
I’m digging the fact that the robin/cardinal sweater appears to have more of the same lovingly embroidered on the back. Right where the “kick me” sign would go!
December 9th, 2008 at 7:45 pm
Oh, how I wish I could be at that party…
December 10th, 2008 at 9:35 am
Well, NOW what’s my mom gonna wear all season?
December 10th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
Tonight my Grandma is coming over for dinner and I JUST KNOW she’s going to have a fantastic sweater on. I’ll have to have her pose for a photo with me.
December 15th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
These are fantastic! The cats one is the best because nothing says old lady sweater like plaid AND cats!