Archive for December, 2008

Ringing In the New Year With Inexplicable Bruises

Wednesday, December 31st, 2008

Am I the only person at work today? I arrived in record time (meaning, only five minutes late, rather than ten or twenty) because I plowed straight across the street without having to wait for the hordes of commuters to file onto the freeway while clutching steering wheels with whitened knuckles and looking vicious. It was chill and [...]

Nothing Says Christmas Like a Plastic Cockroach

Thursday, December 25th, 2008

Hope you all had a merry holiday, full of Christmas miracles. Like retaining your svelte calves after gleefully slugging down sausage logs, brandied ‘nog, and the mysterious chocolates that turn out to be full of coconut, requiring the ever-subtle seasonal napkin spit. Not to imply that we’re subtle in this house, because OH HOW WE [...]

Pizza Delivery and a Keg of Beer Will Be On My Next Credit Card Statement, Courtesy of My Delinquent Wallet

Sunday, December 21st, 2008

Nothing gets the adrenaline rushing on a lazy Sunday morning like realizing you’ve lost your wallet. Getting ready to meet someone at Tartine for Butter, Guzzling Thereof, I went for my money (butter ain’t free you know) and it wasn’t where it should be. So I checked everywhere it shouldn’t be and…nothing. No wallet, no [...]

Nine Hours Later, I Proclaim My Mastery

Saturday, December 20th, 2008

It’s now 2:22 in the morning, and I began my long-anticipated (read: long put off) Scrub the Sty project right after I got home from work at 5:30. Let’s review: Before: After: What we’ve learned tonight: 1. It can take the equivalent of a full work day to clean an apartment the size of a [...]

Yes, I’m Embarrassed

Friday, December 19th, 2008

Because my apartment has looked like this for the past week and because my stereo seems to be inadvertently playing bagpipe music. If I haven’t posted two drastically different (and by “different” I mean “clean”) photos by the end of the night, please come over and pummel me. I’ll consider it a kindness.

The Fever Is Coming In Handy

Thursday, December 18th, 2008

Being sick makes me stupid. I (stupidly) went to work today and was asked to help set up for a meeting. Patient Coworker: “Just put the fliers on the chairs.” Me: “What are these chairs of which you speak?” PC: “Um, they’re the things with four legs around the tables.” Me: “Ah.” [Proceed to stare [...]

Wherein I’m Melodramatic. Cold Ears Will Do That To a Person.

Wednesday, December 17th, 2008

The arctic circle decided to take a vacation from the North Pole and squat in my apartment. Last night, I could SEE MY BREATH. IN MY HOUSE. When I get home, I don’t take off my coat and hat, I head for the closet to wrap another scarf around my neck. I’ve taken to eating [...]

Your Eyes Will Burn and Your Arms Will Chafe in Phantom Polyester Sympathy

Thursday, December 11th, 2008

  Bedazzled Christmas sweaters displayed on a hardwood floor are one thing, but they ascend a new peak of festive folly when draped from the willing limbs of brave souls. Brave souls with a stoic disregard for itchy synthetic fiber. Speaking of brave souls and stoic disregard, he wore that sweater vest through the Tenderloin at 11:30 at night. Sequinned cardinals [...]

‘Tis The Season To Jab Your Eyes Out With a Peppermint Stick

Monday, December 8th, 2008

Tomorrow marks the advent of Kristin’s Hideously Ugly Christmas Sweater (TM) party. Spurred on by rumors of shoulder pads and LED lights, I hustled over to Goodwill on my lunch break today for supplies. And found a veritable cornucopia of unfortunate holiday spirit. I couldn’t hold a basic phone conversation because I was so busy snorting with laughter over [...]

Next Time You See a Squirrel, Give It a Stern Talking To

Thursday, December 4th, 2008

Thank you all for your kind inquiries about what the hell happened to my blog and why it displayed a string of gibberish for a week. The only explanation I can offer is that it was hijacked by bored squirrels who relinquished control only when offered a sacrifice in the form of flaming acorns. I had to [...]