I’ll Be Peeing In the Bushes From Now On
Posted by Moose on October 5th, 2008. Filed under: Uncategorized.I was going to write something deep and profound about the bluegrass festival, where I spent most of my time this weekend. And then I saw a mouse. Which put a sharp halt to any plans that didn’t include jumping, screaming, or wondering if I should get a hotel room for the night. I was in the bathroom, just minding my own business (which is code for peeing), when a mouse scuttled around the door frame and dived into a hole, its slimy gray tail slithering out of sight before my brain even registered the need to shriek like a girl.
Movie heroines who gasp weakly and sink into a graceful faint make my eyes roll involuntarily into the back of my head. But I gasped like all the oxygen had been sucked out of the room, which it patently hadn’t because I was still able to yell, “EEK! A MOUSE!” If you ever wonder about your originality of thought, wait until something startles you and listen to what comes out of your mouth. I restrained myself from fainting only because falling off the toilet and knocking myself unconscious would give the mouse free reign to snack on my nose.
By diving back into its lair, the mouse demonstrated that he had previously been outside his lair, also known as RUNNING FREELY THROUGH MY APARTMENT. Which raises a swarm of disturbing questions. Where did he go? What did he do? Has he been nibbling on my apples? Or worse, drinking my beer? Also: Is he a renegade mouse? Or does he have hundreds of mouse compadres who will be dancing the lambada at a kegger (with my beer) on my floor tonight after I fall asleep.
Can I even fall asleep knowing there’s a slimy gray tail in the vicinity?
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October 5th, 2008 at 10:42 pm
Probably. Now if it was a swarm of cockroaches… naw, if you can survive mold, you can survive a mouse.
Their tails are not slimy! They just have dirty feet. But just to be on the safe side, do not invite that mouse to have tea with you.
October 5th, 2008 at 10:47 pm
Oh, dude. I had this exact problem in NYC. FOR A FULL YEAR AND A HALF. And she was definitely no renegade.
October 6th, 2008 at 4:25 am
I am not a cat person, but I immediately developed an appreciation upon finding a mouse in my apartment.
October 6th, 2008 at 5:37 am
Ugh, a mouse. We were having a mouse problem at work so they put out poison, then one died and started smelling. Once we discovered it’s location I freaked out and pushed someone out of the way to get away from it (like a full on shove). Which is odd because that sort of thing never bothers me.
Man, if you like bluegrass you could call me at work and I’ll put you on hold. It’s our hold music.
October 6th, 2008 at 7:16 am
That mouse fear stuff is primal. You’d think they’d seem cute and furry, but no! Some mice appeared seemingly out of nowhere one evening on the concrete steps at Ocean Beach, and I ruined a boy’s perfectly good view of a beautiful sunset by trying to climb on top of his head, using his nose as leverage, to escape them. Weird screaming included. They scurry!
October 6th, 2008 at 7:29 am
Well, I was minding MY own business in the bathroom on Saturday night, when a freaking burgundy-colored roach ran right by my foot. He was DEFINITELY a renegade. Up until his death, that is.
(He was a fighter, though. RIP.)
October 6th, 2008 at 8:13 am
Want to borrow a cat or two for a few days?
October 6th, 2008 at 8:21 am
oh well. as long as it is “ONLY” a mouse… a cockroach or spider had me jumping much higher
October 6th, 2008 at 9:21 am
i don’t think *i’ll* be able to sleep knowing there’s a slimy gray tail in *your* vicinity!!
eek.
October 6th, 2008 at 9:21 am
Sounds like it’s time to borrow a friend’s cat. Also, for the first paragraph or so I read “mouse” as “moose”, which changes the story dramatically (but hysterically). Yeah, it’s early and I haven’t had any coffee.
October 6th, 2008 at 9:28 am
I did fall asleep, but I did not sleep well. I kept waking up to what sounded like the scurry of pointy little claws, but was actually just a drunk person scraping her stiletto heels along the sidewalk outside my window.
October 6th, 2008 at 9:54 am
Maybe you should change your blog name to MOUSE in the Kitchen. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA.
Oh, that didn’t help? Sorry.
October 6th, 2008 at 9:55 am
Also, you know I have two cats you can borrow. Nice fat ones who are not afraid to go in for the kill.
October 6th, 2008 at 11:01 am
I had a mouse when I lived alone in Baltimore and didn’t know a soul in the city. Since I knew I didn’t have the heart to kill it and I wasn’t allowed to have a pet in my apartment…I decided to name it.
Cheeser is what I called him. It was less scary if I thought of him like a pet.
At least it wasn’t a rat. You should put something heavy in front of his hole.
October 6th, 2008 at 11:08 am
It’s definitely time for a cat.
(And yes, at least it wasn’t a rat or, worse, ROACHES.)
(I can’t even say the word “roach” without feeling like I have to go take a shower.)
October 6th, 2008 at 12:13 pm
Oh, god.
A mouse ran ACROSS MY FEET last week while I was in the kitchen making homemade waffles. I am so embarrassed — but also slightly impressed by the sheer volume my vocal cords produced — of the shrieking and jumping and screaming that ensued. A. thought I just slammed my whole hand in the hot waffle iron, because what else could explain THAT SCREAMING?
A. MOUSE. IN. MY. KITCHEN.
EEEEEeeewwwwwww!!!!
October 6th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
I’d say you should get a cat, but our likes to bring mice to me. DEAD ONES.
Eek!
October 6th, 2008 at 5:30 pm
Fill the hole with steel wool. I had a mouse coming into my kitchen while I was asleep (long, gross story) and I found the whole and filled it and no more mouse!
October 6th, 2008 at 5:46 pm
Eek! I hear you. I grew up in an older house and we had an old cellar. Once, a mouse scampered across the kitchen floor from under the dishwasher. My sister and I saw it and we both screamed. The mouse was so scared, it turned around and ran right back into the hole. We promptly plugged it up.
Also, be glad you don’t live in NYC, where sewer rats are known to come up the pipes and out of the toilet in some apartments!
October 6th, 2008 at 6:28 pm
For every mouse you see, there are ten mice you don’t see. Husband and I saw the “same mouse” three times, then got down to slaughtering them with glue traps and killed thirty. You have to be sure to kill the mouse with the testicles. It’s all his fault, the bastard.
October 6th, 2008 at 7:38 pm
OMG I wouldn’t have been able to sleep!
We had one in an apartment back in 2000 and my roommate ran around our tiny apartment trying to kill it with Scrubbing Bubbles. Finally her boyfriend came over and smashed it with a crate.
Now I live on the 3rd floor. Because in my mind, mice can’t climb three flights of stairs. AND NO ONE TELL ME DIFFERENTLY.
October 6th, 2008 at 9:19 pm
Madam Moose…
I was at the Hardly Strictly festival too and would like to email you but cannot find a “contact info” link anywhere. Please (if possible) let me know if emailing is possible.
As for mice, UGH! I guess my only advice is the dreaded one…CATS!…oh and live on an upstairs floor helps too!
October 7th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
a mouse is better than a big fat rat! (just sayin’)
October 8th, 2008 at 5:49 am
It is a common misconception that rodent tails are slimy. As a former rat owner (and as you should know Miss Sister to Rat Boy) I must spread a kind word or two about these furry vermin. Rats’ tails are hairy. They are dry as a bone unless they trail though something wet. Lay off the tail. Once domesticated they are lovely pets… until they eat your wires. Check your wires unless you want Fried Mouse for dinner.
October 11th, 2008 at 6:40 pm
I read this post the day you wrote it and thought “Oh my god. I can’t even imagine.” And then, half an hour ago I switched the light on in my kitchen so I could get myself a cup of tea and this grey blob with a tail streaked across the floor from my closet, diving under the fridge. I just spent the last half hour on the phone while my dad laughed and laughed and I shook like a leaf.