Luckily, I’m OK With Vanity
Posted by Moose on October 3rd, 2008. Filed under: More Goddamn Life Lessons.A coworker whose advice I was asking about a piece of paper – damn those pieces of paper and the need to figure out what to do with them! – offered to take care of it for me. “I need to go see Anna anyway.” He opened a drawer, grabbed a hot pink brush, and pulled it carefully through his hair before taking the paper out of my hands and sallying down the hall.
My assumption – damn those assumptions and the ever-seductive need to make them! – would generally have been to think he had a thing for her, hence the careful hair strategy. Except he’s gay. Flaming gay, if the pink brush didn’t tip you off. Besides, only gay men sally. Straight men stride. Or occasionally swagger. Maybe he just thought his hair was mussed? Maybe he always combs it before he leaves his desk? Maybe it’s like eating a large, chocolate muffin – you do it not because you’re hungry but because a chocolate muffin soothes the soul in ways deep, meaningful thoughts can’t?
Now, I’m not a primper. My senior prom got a maximum of fifteen minutes out of me, and I can generally be ready – dressed, hair combed, foundation slapped on – in under ten minutes. Whether or not I look good is another matter entirely, but this is why I don’t check the mirror before I leave. Unless it’s a very special occasion. Yet, even as a professed non-primper, I still spend ghastly amounts of money to make my hair and lips a different color.
So what’s up with the need to groom? Is it the human equivalent of fanning the tail feathers and strutting? In the case of my pink hairbrush-wielding friend, it’s not. Unless Anna is a man, which seems unlikely. My own current stance on dating is Can’t Be Bothered, Thanks. (Which also cuts down on the amount of leg shaving time, SCORE.) Cleanly negating my Grooming To Attract a Mate theory. So…why?
In my case, the only rational motive I can discern is pure, undiluted vanity. Which mostly stems from a need to avoid wondering if the cashier is staring at me because she’s apathetically bored or because my pasty white face is prompting worry in the general populace that I’m a vampiric specter searching for tasty necks to gnaw, if vampiric specters sport unseemly blemishes on their chins. Another argument in favor of vanity: When trying to force my brain to contemplate universal human truths about our biological need to look cute, I just end up buying lip gloss.
Related posts:
October 3rd, 2008 at 11:19 am
Primping is such a huge, annoying thing in my life. I love getting dressed up, and taking the time to look good, but it’s such a huge major process, that I rarely bother. The most annoying part, though, is when I throw myself together in a hurry, I almost always end up looking better than when I take 45 minutes in front of the mirror. A big smile and eyeliner are my two “must have’s” in order to feel cute.
October 3rd, 2008 at 11:52 am
Now that I’ve posted this, I can’t help but think, “The economy is melting down and presidential elections are around the corner, and all you can talk about is LIP GLOSS?” Yes, apparently so. That is all my brain can process right now. Luckily, no one comes here for the sparkling political commentary or insightful ponderings.
Sometimes a little lip gloss is good. Even if we’re making that lip gloss from petroleum jelly and food coloring.
October 3rd, 2008 at 12:19 pm
a little lip gloss is ALWAYS good.
(brushing your hair at work before talking to a co-worker…erm…not so much…)
October 3rd, 2008 at 1:44 pm
I primp once in the morning, then usually forget about it all day, only to look in my rear view mirror and think “Lord, I look exahausted…if only I’d put on lipstick this afternoon.”
October 3rd, 2008 at 2:45 pm
Congratulations on your excellent choice in lip gloss! I LOVE DuWop. In fact, I think I remember sampling it in your bathroom once or twice. Handily, we wear the very same color….
October 3rd, 2008 at 4:29 pm
I find primping is a great mood lifter (along with some good music). There are days I don’t feel like primping and I leave the house feeling schlumpy-dumpy. But if I force myself to primp, even if it’s only a little, I start to feel better and then it changes how I carry myself.
October 4th, 2008 at 8:57 am
“I can generally be ready – dressed, hair combed, foundation slapped on – in under ten minutes.”
WONDERWOMAN!
October 4th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
I have to primp. Every day. Even when I am home all day. Incase, you know, one of my husband’s friends come over.
October 4th, 2008 at 6:00 pm
Ha! I also choose to ignore the current economic/political climate when selecting blog topics, and focus on the important things like lip gloss and face masks. And you know what? I’m totally okay with that.
October 4th, 2008 at 9:14 pm
I can get behind any lipgloss called “Venom.”
Might need to pick myself up a tube of that stuff. Completely with you on the “Datng? Can’t Be Bothered!” front – I don’t know when I became so apathetic but lord, does it ever make life easier!
October 4th, 2008 at 10:02 pm
Just curious….the lip gloss advertises making your lips kissable AND you can’t be bothered with dating…
Actually the gloss sounds mighty good….
October 6th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
‘Now that I’ve posted this, I can’t help but think, “The economy is melting down and presidential elections are around the corner, and all you can talk about is LIP GLOSS?” ‘
You might be interested to know that lipstick/gloss sales actually INCREASE during a recession. My guess? It’s a small little indulgence that won’t break the bank but makes us feel like we’re treating ourselves.
October 6th, 2008 at 7:33 pm
Maybe he wants to be like Marcia Brady. And has to brush it 100 times a day and likes to break it up?
Also, I am not a primper. I can get ready in 30 minutes. I just don’t care. And I figure if someone finds me attractive when I look “normal” and not all dolled up, they won’t be too surprised the first time they see me when I wake up first thing in the morning.