Exercise in Futility
Posted by Moose on September 30th, 2008. Filed under: Uncategorized.My brain feels like a wizened hazelnut. I think Buster, the yodeling chihuahua I spent the last week and a half wrestling into little sweaters, has a higher IQ than I do this morning. In fact, I’m quite sure of it. Buster has a very advanced vocabulary for a creature with such a little skull. He’ll cock his head to show his approval of my grasp of the situation when I say, “Are you a chihuahua?” but when I try to trick him by using the same tone of voice to ask, “Are you an…elephant?” he pins me with a scornful gaze before pointedly turning his back on me and curling up for a snooze. Of course, that head cock might just be his way of saying, “I require a treat, and you’re the only one in the house with the height and opposable thumbs necessary to reach the bag. SO PONY UP, WOMAN. BUSTER IS WITHERING AWAY HERE.”
I am happy to report that Buster did not wither away under my care and, in fact, is quite a happy little beast. Maybe because he wears argyle sweaters and lives in the San Francisco equivalent of a penthouse suite at the Ritz. Seriously, there’s a washer and dryer RIGHT THERE IN THE APARTMENT. I’ve never seen such a thing. Even when I lived with my family in suburbia, we had to go outside to the car port to get clean socks. My stay at the pseudo-Ritz penthouse included access to a Wii Fit, which smugly informed me at the end of the week that I gained two pounds because of all the fancy cheese in the fridge. The Wii Fit also says things like, “Well, goodness. You haven’t exercised in five whole days. Be sure to train daily for maximum benefit.” So I turned off the Wii Fit and turned on the TV. The TV doesn’t tell me I’m a lazy bastard who eats too much roquefort. It encourages me to watch MORE, MORE! And to supersize my next meal at Burger King.
Apparently, I’m susceptible to the stinging judgment of inanimate objects, because I did haul myself out this weekend to participate in endorphin-laden activities. Endorphin-laden activities which served as a potent reminder not to boast about how I’m trying to reduce my consumption of our limited resources. The day I do a credible impression of a pompous ass is the day I drive many, many gas-guzzling miles and take three showers. That sound you hear is a windbag deflating.
After a beautiful hike up Pacific Ridge on Sunday morning (shower number 2), I drove to Santa Clara for a 30th birthday party. A BIRTHDAY PARTY ON TRAMPOLINES. Where I discovered that my stamina lasts approximately 90 seconds, and I can be out-bounced by a six year old. We stumbled off the trampolines on legs that felt less like legs and more like overcooked spaghetti, covered in sweat (cue shower number 3) and gleeful grins. THIS is why people exercise. You just feel good afterward. WHO KNEW? So I decided to recreate that experience last night with a cardio DVD featuring the perkiest woman on the planet. And then I died. The perky blonde woman killed me. I’m still dead, only I’m not allowed to be dead because I’m at work, so I’m stumbling around and bumping into walls like an inept zombie.
Since I started writing this post, my wizened hazelnut of a brain exploded into hazelnut butter all over the inside of my cranial cavity. I just found out that my job has been overpaying me since I started. So, as of the next pay period, I only get four-fifths of what I’ve come to expect.
Cue: futile outrage. Maybe this will make me finish the freelancing I ignored last week in favor of snuggling with Buster and telling the Wii Fit where it could shove its balance board.
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September 30th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
What? They’ve been “overpaying” you and are now going to cut your wage? WHAT THE HELL??
Note to self: Back to the gym. Pronto.
September 30th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
Apparently, I was supposed to be paid one amount, but they were accidentally paying me more. So they’re slicing my paycheck to reflect my official rate.
GROWL.
September 30th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
But you don’t have to pay BACK what they’ve paid you already, do you? So maybe you kind of…..win? Sort of? Maybe you’re Sticking It To The Man?
Also, my Wii Fit told me that I’d gained two pounds last night. IN AN EVENING. After I’d spent twenty minutes hula-hooping like a sweaty fool. (A sweaty fool with a super-toned midsection, TAKE THAT WII FIT.)
September 30th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
Sucks about the pay difference. I’m sorry.
September 30th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
I know multiple people who hate their Wii Fit for that very reason! Who needs scorn and judgement from a game??
And I’ve been eyeing that trampoline place. Hope it was fun! Apparently they do exercise classes there three times a week, and that’s super attractive and sounds fun. And is apparently good exercise, too.
Enjoy that hazelnut butter!
September 30th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
your blog almost always makes me hungry. now i want fancy cheese with nutella on it. thanks.
that’s terrible about the pay cut. if you find out who’s responsible, you can sic Buster on ‘em…
September 30th, 2008 at 2:52 pm
I was a little cranky when I wrote this – and blatantly ignoring my “Don’t blog when you’re overburdened with your own self-righteous indignation” rule.
NBB makes a good point: I totally came out ahead. Luckily, they’re not trying to get the money back. Now THAT would be an exercise in futility. So I win. But my current paycheck expectations make it feel like I lost. Expectations will boot you in the ass, every time. DOWN WITH EXPECTATIONS.
So, I’ll make do with what I have. It’s always worked in the past.
September 30th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
Oh, and I totally love the Wii Fit. It judges because it cares. I wouldn’t get so defensive if it wasn’t right. It’s like my electronic conscience.
September 30th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
That was hilarious!! Go eat cheese!
September 30th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
Two things:
-after a similar experience on a trampoline at a friends party that was supposed to be “just for fun”, but ended up taking everything out of me after ten minutes, I bought a mini trampoline which I jump on for 30 minutes while listening to This American Life on my Ipod. It’s the funnest way I’ve ever exercised!
-don’t tell anyone, but I’ve been doing the Jillian Michaels’ 30 Day Shred video at home and I freaking LOVE it! Twenty minutes of intense sweating, and you’re done! And muscles happen, too!
September 30th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
The Wii Fit has already got you in its evil clutches! You’re rationalizing its abuses. This is the first step!
Buster misses you something fierce. Last night he barked at me because I was working instead of cuddling him. His standards are now SKY HIGH.
PLEASE come back to the Ritz whenever you like. I love seeing your shining face and plying you with cheese. I can even tell you where to get a fabulous brunch on a Sunday…
September 30th, 2008 at 7:31 pm
That Wii Fit is a smug little bastard, isn’t it? I haven’t set a toenail on mine for several weeks and I’m dreading its scorn. SIGH.
Sorry about the pay mishap. That totally sucks.
October 1st, 2008 at 12:20 am
Trampolines! I fully expect your next birthday soiree to have such extravagances. If not, I’m not coming, sorry. Unless of course Buster makes an appearance in taffeta and toile, in which case you won’t be able to keep me away.
October 1st, 2008 at 3:42 pm
Kids have too much energy! I ran up a hill with my niece this weekend and I was done. She wanted to run down it and then back up it again. And then repeat that for 20 minutes.
So I did it. And I was wheezing. But I’m the best Auntie ever. And then rewarded myself with a piece of cake the size of my head.
October 1st, 2008 at 10:04 pm
You are giving me more reason to get a Wii Fit.
And more reason to come back to SF. What are the chances I could brunch with you, Kristin, and Holly?
October 3rd, 2008 at 7:42 am
Eeek…the money thing SUCKS.
However, I was combing my email archives for a friend’s blog address and I came across THIS from 2006!!!!!!!!
“Loralee…check out this blog I found: http://mooseinthekitchen.com. I want to be her. I am her I think in a parallel universe where I am happily single, skinny and allowed to eat cookies at will.”
“Thanks for the link. I’ll have to check her out.”
HEE HEE HEE!!!! I about fell over.
October 3rd, 2008 at 12:17 pm
I’m writing to Paco right this second to let him know that he needs to bring you a hammock and some more umbrella-laden drinks, STAT.