Construction Paper Parable
Posted by Moose on September 15th, 2008. Filed under: Love.My senior year of high school, a boy asked me to the prom with an octopus cut from orange construction paper. He carefully printed eight reasons I should go with him on the tentacles and left it on my desk in Spanish class.
I went with someone else.
If someone gave me an orange construction paper octopus today, I’d be on my way out the door to meet them right now – even if they weren’t precisely my type. Because they were, say, 87 years old. Or female.
But I was 17 and possibly stupid, so I went to prom with a gay friend and had, excuse me, a gay old time. We tangoed through the awkwardly shifting couples like a knife through aspic and ate cheeseburgers at Burger King. I wore a dress I bought from a street stall in Venice Beach and did my makeup without so much as a mirror, let alone any semblance of skill. I couldn’t have asked for a better evening, unless that evening included David Boreanaz and another helping of french fries.
But I’m beginning to understand how rare romance of the orange octopus persuasion really is.
One of the best parts about being with someone is inventing new ways to make their life better. Like sweeping the floor when everyone knows you just don’t do floors. Or smiling through dinner with the inlaws. Or walking the dog in the rain so your someone can stay on the couch and watch TV. Or buying them a pony.
Because it’s not overcooked steak with inlaws who really should know your name after six years; it’s love.
I plan to be better at that next time. More random and easily missed demonstrations of affection. More instances of offering up my own comfort or convenience on the silver platter of Your Needs First, At Least This Time. I may even write character-lauding haikus on an orange octopus.
But I ain’t cleaning up after no pony. I don’t do floors.
Update: Octopus Boy just emailed me. I haven’t spoken to him in about thirteen years, and am feeling rather like I do when a Midwestern relative I haven’t seen since 1998 walks up to me during a visit and says, “I read your blog!” Anyway, Octopus Boy says about his wife: “I won her over not by giving her an octopus, but by balancing my student i.d. card on my nose and barking like a sea lion.”
Let’s all pause for a moment to enjoy the internet, shall we?
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September 15th, 2008 at 9:44 pm
I think you’re probably the best girlfriend any guy could ever ask for (though I can’t say with 100% certainty as we haven’t dated–yet) and don’t give yourself enough credit.
I wish a boy had liked me enough in high school to ask me to prom via octopus. Instead, I went on a prom “blind date” and didn’t have myself a gay old time.
September 15th, 2008 at 9:50 pm
Wasn’t that the status quo? Didn’t we all go to prom with gay guys?
September 15th, 2008 at 9:56 pm
Nope. Some of us went with best friends and we went to Taco Bell instead.
September 15th, 2008 at 10:09 pm
I don`t do floors either. Matthew is the floor guy. If I want to woo him I suck it up and vacuum the damn floors already.
September 15th, 2008 at 11:04 pm
Damn, the octopus kid really had something.
September 16th, 2008 at 6:56 am
I’m sorry but I had a hard time concentrating on your writing after you mentioned David Boreanaz and french fries. I began creating quite a daydream at that point. It may have even involved some cheese on the fries. And maybe some on his chest. His naked chest. Stop me now.
September 16th, 2008 at 8:07 am
i was the girl who ignored the “octopus” guys too. i totally shouldn’t have. those were the good ones.
September 16th, 2008 at 8:19 am
I think you were right to ignore the octupus guy. I’ve given those guys a shot in the name of “being nice” and, my god, they’re boring. The problem is those guys ARE floor guys, and ARE walk-the-dog guys, and buy you a pony guys…and oh my god that gets so old! It’s so much nicer when the somewhat cocky, sarcastic tough guy who makes you laugh becomes sweet for a moment and does those things. You appreciate them more, ya know?
September 16th, 2008 at 9:27 am
I went with a really popular upperclassman, who dropped me off in time for early my curfew and went back out to cheat on me with another girl. I would discover this years later. Ouch!
Which is to say, leave the gun, take the orange octopus.
September 16th, 2008 at 11:29 am
The Octopus is a nice gesture, but it really has to be part of the package. There are those that do nothing but sit around and thing of The Perfect Gesture and that worries me, too…
Of course, here I sit, all single and stuff so what do I know?
September 16th, 2008 at 11:30 am
I’m dating an “octopus guy,” after many years of going after the “hot guy in a band.” The octopus guy totally wins out.
Granted, I’m an “octopus girl,” so it could all be in the perspective.
September 16th, 2008 at 11:44 am
I went to one of my proms with a gay guy. It was so much fun.
I went to another prom with my boyfriend’s best friend. And then he was no longer my boyfriend. I cringe at that memory.
Your octopus guy will come along again.
September 16th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
I am one of the gay guys you all went to prom with, and I thank you, individually and collectively.
Twenty-four years later, the memories are still treasured, as is my friendship with my prom date.
Hey, maybe you should look the Octopus Guy up, see what he’s doing, now?
September 16th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
I went with a straight guy, but then I turned out to be gay. Who knew? (Apparently everyone…)
September 16th, 2008 at 6:07 pm
Moose’s Dream Date: David Boreanaz, atop a Pony, French Fries in hand.
September 16th, 2008 at 9:09 pm
You know, there is a video on my blog today of Mr. A barking like a sea lion. He is my octopus boy.
September 17th, 2008 at 9:39 am
I think that’s a spot-on observation about relationships. It’s those little random things I always think of fondly later on.
I was literally too cool for school and skipped my prom to go see Boss Hog play. I sort of wish I’d gone now, but no one asked me via octopus note and I has a great time at the show. So I can’t really say I’d do it differently.
September 17th, 2008 at 9:58 am
awesome. i wish i’d thought of the octopus. not so i could have had the opportunity to get rejected by you, but just so i’d have the fame and fortune of appearing in this blog.
get yourself a followers button, and i’ll gladly click that thing.
September 17th, 2008 at 9:04 pm
another touching post. *sniff*
now I gotta go clean the floors or walk the dog or something self-sacrificing….
September 18th, 2008 at 11:33 am
I kind of have my octopus guy now, and I’m so glad I didn’t ignore him.
September 18th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
My octopus guy won me over by fixing my computer and dancing like Elvis.
SOOO worth it.
September 28th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
I wish so badly that I had a octopus guy. Maybe I will find one someday?
December 16th, 2008 at 7:43 pm
meh. am still looking for my octopus girl. apparently the last few that claimed to be octopus girls are actually squids.
November 27th, 2009 at 4:24 am
I won my girlfriend over to prom by looking at her and exclaiming, “we’re going to prom together right?”
her response, “who the hell else am i gonna go with dumbass?”