My brain feels like a wizened hazelnut. I think Buster, the yodeling chihuahua I spent the last week and a half wrestling into little sweaters, has a higher IQ than I do this morning. In fact, I’m quite sure of it. Buster has a very advanced vocabulary for a creature with such a little skull. [...]
To give you the true meaning of Moose in the Kitchen, the hastily selected name for this blog, I would have to put my hands through my computer screen, flipping them like a blind porpoise flaps its fins as you warily inspect them, wondering how they came out of your computer and what they’re doing in your living room. Since I’m fairly [...]
Concrete action is a universal panacea. Is “universal panacea” redundant? You know what would be a good concrete action right now? PICKING UP A DICTIONARY TO FIND OUT. Sometimes, concrete action should be shuffled aside for the sake of expediency. See how quickly I disprove my own points? I’m ridiculously bad at arguing for just this [...]
I’m quite fond of my walls. (Um, my emotional walls. Not the actual walls of my apartment. Though I’m quite fond of those too.) They’re like the hard chocolate shell around the creme filling of a Cadbury egg. If Cadbury eggs were covered in jokes instead of chocolate. (Don’t you love it when you attempt a simile only [...]
My senior year of high school, a boy asked me to the prom with an octopus cut from orange construction paper. He carefully printed eight reasons I should go with him on the tentacles and left it on my desk in Spanish class. I went with someone else. If someone gave me an orange construction [...]
1. I love my hygienist, but I think she went to the Sweeney Todd School of Orthodontia. She braces herself against the chair and yanks at my molars with a metal hook, Dr. Horrible glasses shaking rhythmically as she cheerfully says, “Almost got it!” Referring, apparently, to the physical manifestation of my faulty brushing technique. Twenty minutes [...]
My weekend was full of sun-dappled hikes in the Marin headlands, flea market foraging (I bought the pink teapot, but not the abundantly flowered hat that made me look like Little Miss Muffet), and hours of blessed sleep. (Also, these.) My Monday morning has included slamming the snooze button repeatedly and slicing open my thumb so it [...]
I was downstairs blearily pumping coffee into a paper cup - incidentally, I just had to wipe this coffee up with my skirt (classy!) after spilling it all over my desk - when I heard the man behind the counter ask, “And how are you today?” The woman in front of him replied, “I’m ornery and hungry.” Then she grabbed her hashbrowns [...]
I have two major goals right now: 1) Get myself to a tropical island where I can guzzle daquiris thoughtfully provided by a tanned man named Paco, and 2) GET A DOG. As soon as I sign the lease for a place that allows canine slobber, I’ll head for the pound to pick out a [...]
I sometimes think about asking my ex if I can see Meeka Dog. To take her on a walk, blow on her ears until they flick back, sit with her two front paws on my shoulders while I rub her flanks. But I suspect it would be too hard. So I don’t.
