I Should Have Offered Him an Almond
Posted by Moose on August 27th, 2008. Filed under: Daily, Photos.Today was one of those days. One of those days where I was halfway to work before remembering that, thanks to an unhealthy obsession for clean streets, San Francisco was going to give me a ticket if I didn’t haul my ass back home and move my car. I trudged dutifully back and climbed into my car, only to nudge the bumper of the guy parked behind me. Parking often involves cramming your car into a space that would fit your four door and an anorexic mouse, a space that’s probably located on a hill. Add a stick shift and I have become, like most drivers, rather blase about tapping people’s bumpers when parking. But the owner of the tapped bumper wasn’t having any of it, and popped out of his car to yell, “Do you have a problem?”
I wanted to give him a detailed rundown of my problems, complete with pie charts to colorfully illustrate where his bumper ranks on the list. (Hint: At the bottom.) But my cunning sense of social interplay determined his was a rhetorical question. So I apologized and asked if there was any damage. He made a great show of inspecting his pristine bumper and finally had to admit there wasn’t. Nothing dims self-righteous anger like a polite apology and NOT SO MUCH AS A SCRATCH.
But I hate getting yelled at and I was in the wrong, not to mention half an hour late to work. So I had to pull my day out of the gutter by its proverbial bootstraps, kind of like a 19th-century entrepreneur who shows up at Ellis Island with ten cents and a business plan. But in my story, the bootstraps are really seven chocolate covered almonds.
In that spirit, I present…
Three Things That Make Me Happy. Four, If You Count The Almonds:
1. Brian Andreas
I’m less “go with the flow” and more “try to reroute the flow with an Excel spreadsheet and a cement truck.” So I find this very comforting. It reminds me to take a breath, which in turn reminds me that I haven’t taken a breath in a rather long time and was very close to passing out, so ISN’T IT LUCKY I HAVE THIS PICTURE?
2. Rubber Stamps of Affectionate Cats
My mom bought me this rubber stamp for Christmas. He’s either singing a show tune or about to jump into your arms and smother you in cat hair. Either way, I’m always tempted to stamp this on my forehead.
3. Duvet Covers From Swedish Superstores
Also the answer to the oft-posed question, “Why doesn’t she ever get out of bed?”
August 28th, 2008 at 4:50 am
Do you have a problem? What the eff does that even mean?
August 28th, 2008 at 7:36 am
I admire your method of bootstrapping! Good thinking!
August 28th, 2008 at 7:44 am
Lord, I love that duvet cover.
August 28th, 2008 at 8:05 am
My favorite comeback to anyone who took it upon themselves to be an asshole when I lived in SF was “You live in a fucking city! What do you expect?!”
I’d say this even when I was in the wrong…and honestly, that guy lives in a fucking city, a hilly city to boot! Not expecting a scratch on his preeeshious car every now and then is foolish. I really don’t think you were in the wrong. You acted with much more self control than I would have (think lobbing loose change towards his head).
Hope your day gets better.
August 28th, 2008 at 10:23 am
You should get one of those teensy smart fortwo cars.
Mine’s being delivered this fall! My anticipation of it fills me with such joy that it could count as three things that make me happy all on its own!
August 28th, 2008 at 10:24 am
“Do you have a problem?” baffles me. Did he think you were getting PERSONAL with the bumper-bumping? Like you had a problem with HIM? Like maybe he’d snubbed you in the grocery store a week ago and you’d followed him home and figured out what car he had and waited until you could get into yours and RAM THE BACK OF HIS TO DEMONSTRATE YOUR PROBLEM WITH HIM? I mean, what the hell, random car guy? You should have shouted “It’s not always about YOU, dude!” That’s what I would have done. In my head, of course. Ten minutes after the fact.
August 28th, 2008 at 10:54 am
I like the Brian Andreas picture and the comforter is so… comfy looking. The picture makes you want to crawl right in. Er, if it was my own bed, that is. I’m not THAT kind of girl.
August 28th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
what a total douche.
seriously.
August 28th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
If I did not have a back up beeper on my car (inside) EVERYONE would be yelling “Do you have a problem?” at me. Amen for back up beepers.
August 28th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
Dumbass.
(Him. Not you. You are actually quite lovely.)
I would never get out of bed if I had that comforter. IKEA is my happy place.
August 28th, 2008 at 10:35 pm
I sure hope it was your jackass neighbor who towed my ass. Serves him right! (Was it a white car?)
September 3rd, 2008 at 2:43 pm
Next time that happens with some asshat all worried about his bumper tell him to stop parking on the damn street!
Nicked and tapped bumpers COME WITH THE TERRITORY!
And in fact, when people totally box me in, I do more than tap. On purpose. (Don’t ever park behind me.)
September 4th, 2008 at 10:08 am
Isn’t it weird how mean angry people can ruin your day? You should have given him charts and graphs of all your problems.