Please Excuse All Rambling, Poor Grammar, and Unfortunate Phlegm Descriptions
Posted by Moose on August 12th, 2008. Filed under: Uncategorized.I contracted the plague on Friday. It masquerades as a common cold, but DON’T BE FOOLED. Due to my current status as disease incubator, I slept in today. As I was trying to drag my weakened carcass out of bed around 10 a.m., a homeless man passed by my window pushing his stolen shopping cart. He had the best singing voice this side of Broadway. See what you miss when you go to work on time? Walking down my street a little later, I saw a cardboard box sitting on the curb. It was labelled, “Monkeys, Stuffed.” I peered in hopefully, but all that was in the box was some sawdust. The only thing that would have improved that experience (aside from the box containing what it professed to contain) was if it was labelled, “Pirate Monkeys, Stuffed.” At which point I would have clutched the box to my chest and raced out to buy a lottery ticket, because it’s obviously the BEST DAY EVER. (Alas.)
All I’ve done since getting to work is hack up unfortunate things (not cockroach unfortunate, but it’s definitely phlegm-based, which isn’t much better) (especially if you just ate peanut butter toast) (uh…sorry) and attempt to take my cold medicine only to realize that I must have JUST TAKEN my cold medicine, within the last five minutes, as proven by the empty container in my waste basket, only I don’t have any recollection of doing so. Which bodes well for my job performance today.
On Friday night (pre-wasting plague), I drank Happy Hour white wine and saw Wall-E with a friend who informed me that we were the only two people left from our old high school dance team who weren’t either married or parents of toddler-shaped spawn. (Yes, we were on the high school dance team. One of these days I will drag out the pictures of the ’80s era sequined costumes – even though it was already the mid-’90s – and hats with large silver poufs.) I feel like this news should have depressed me more than it did.
This weekend was a vacation of sorts. I got to abandon my moldy hallway of an apartment (I was much fonder of my apartment before I realized that my black skirt? IS SPROUTING WHITE PUFFS OF MOLD. Yes. That was a horrifying realization. My closet needs de-contamination, pronto.) to care for a fluffy Southern spaniel named Beulah. A dog who is easily convinced that my arm swinging back and pitching forward does contain a ball, even though I consistently forgot the ball for every outing, and was quite happy to chase frantically after ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. At Hotel Jemima, the rooms are spacious and yellow, the towels are soft and the sheets don’t scream “You bought me at Target for twenty dollars and you complain because they fall apart after three washes?” like mine do. I returned the favor by covering her house with a fine dusting of bubonic plague and loading the dishwasher wrong. At least I didn’t kill the dog.
Sunday was a drive up the coast to Stinson Beach, where my aunt and cousins rented a beach house for the week. I have more to say about that but I’m full of cold medicine right now and my grasp on coherence is slipping away. I sense any effort to finish this story or even edit what I’ve already written is futile. Much like trying to figure out…how I was going to finish this sentence.
August 12th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
Colds that simultaneously evaporate your short-term memory while making you hack and gag and sneeze are the worst. Here’s to (not taking three doses of cold medicine at once, and!) feeling better.
Oh, and also: I’m more excited than I probably should be for ’80s era sequined costume pictures. I’m thinking one of these days I need to dig out the picture of me wearing an all pink tie-dyed outfit, complete with side pony and white plastic shirt belt.
August 12th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
I like reading your posts because you are always doing something — often many things — and they give me a nice little mind vacation from the monotony of work, kid, more work, even more work, incredible amounts of work, and watering the garden. This post was perfect for that, and I actually caught myself wondering if you were contagious and if I should stay away so as not to catch the germs. Away, that is, FROM YOUR BLOG. Because, I guess, your writing + my mind vacations = X-TREME REALISM. So good going.
August 12th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
I see your dance team and raise you a drill team:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/12271927@N00/506416199/in/set-72157601332500296/
I hope you feel better soon; the plague sounds most unpleasant. And I’m kind of sad that you didn’t get a stuffed monkey.
August 12th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
Some person missed out on an excellent chance to play practical jokes on people looking for stuffed monkeys in a box. He could have been inside and jumped out of the box. There are so many possibilities.
August 12th, 2008 at 2:35 pm
And THAT experience would have been improved even more if it had been labelled BUTT Pirate Monkeys, Stuffed.
. . . sorry, that’s just the beeline my mind makes: directly to the gutter.
Feel better soon – I am oh-so-curious to see posted photos of ’80′s era sequined costumes and hats with large silver poufs – hurrah!
August 12th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
Oh, jeez. Not the Plague! Feel better, pronto.
Stinson Beach is lovely, and it’s almost GREAT WHITE SHARK season up there. Which makes it even awesomer, unless you’re surfing.
August 12th, 2008 at 2:41 pm
Might I suggest renting Flight of the Conchords and watching it snuggled up in bed, high on cold medicine? That’s what I did last time I was sick, and although it didn’t make me better, it was possibly one of the most hilarious things ever.*
Also, I think you should start an “Embarrassing Photo of Me In A Dance Costume Thursday” or whatever, and we’ll all post our own photos on our blogs, because we’ve all got one (or twelve) of those types of pictures.
*avoid doing what I did next, which is cut my own bangs while high on said cold medicine.
August 12th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
Feel better!
August 12th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
perhaps the fact that your black skirt is growing white mold and you now have the plague (i’ve had it too, totally sucks) might not be coincidence. just a thought.
August 12th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
you have the gift of making “being sick” sound like fun!
feel better!
August 12th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
I was about to say Summer Colds are the worst, but then I remembered that you live in Winter in SF!
Get well!
August 12th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
Ohmygoshlaughingsohard.
You crack me up, and I don’t even know you.
August 12th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
I love finding out that people were on the drill team, or in the swing choir, or in Girl Scouts. I don’t know why, it just always makes me smile.
Get better soon! And good luck decontaminating your closet.
August 12th, 2008 at 4:54 pm
I had a moldy closet once, it’s very disturbing. I mean I get it in the bathroom, but the closet? Really?
Good luck with the plague, and please find those pictures when you feel better!
August 12th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
OOh! Georgia is right. Rent some Flight of the Conchords! Remember how much you liked it at my apartment? It’s guaranteed to brighten your spirits–but your nasal cavities it can’t help with.
August 12th, 2008 at 5:14 pm
Seriously, my place gets random spots of mold all over it. And then there was the invasion of earwigs, which I successfully put down. Now I’ve got a population explosion of fruit flies and daddy long legs. I swear I’m a clean person who empties her trash in a timely manner (when I’m not accidentally lighting it on fire).
GAH. I think I’ll be in bed, drinking and pretending I don’t have a bug problem.
Hope you feel better soon.
August 12th, 2008 at 5:57 pm
omg. am i the only person who was startled by the sentence that included white wine and wall-e?
feel better, moose. chicken soup, vicks vapor rub, and alka-seltzer extreme fizzy orange flavored cold medicine. yummy.
August 12th, 2008 at 7:13 pm
NOOOO! Feel better soon!
August 12th, 2008 at 7:49 pm
Awwww, feel better my dear! See you in one week! May your days be filled with many cupcakes (since that’s the only proven thing to cure the bubonic, clearly).
August 12th, 2008 at 9:26 pm
Poor Amber, sniff, sniff. I liked your dance costume, poof and all!
Please answer my email….
August 12th, 2008 at 9:34 pm
My first reaction was “Oh shit! I got her sick”, since I had the plague (turned into bronchitis) a few weeks ago. Then I remembered I have not seen you in weeks, so I am pretty sure they were not my cooties.
Rest. And if in 5 days the cough is still bad, go get antibiotics. 5 days seems to be the magic number at the doc for the real drugs. I also found that the night-time over the counter cough medicine, while tasting like crapola, worked pretty well.
And when you get well, pray for a heat wave and we will have an east bay night!
August 13th, 2008 at 10:44 am
ah…i’ve suffered from said plague. it was no fun at all.
feel better!
August 13th, 2008 at 3:25 pm
My Grandma’s name was Beulah! But, um, she wasn’t a dog.
Feel better!
August 13th, 2008 at 5:33 pm
Well, I suppose I have you to blame for the sniffles I had when I woke up this morning. I’m shaking my fist at you, Moose!
August 19th, 2008 at 9:39 am
At least I cleaned out the mold from the bathroom for you, so you could have a less crusty than usual place to stay for a day or two. Sorry about the no food…
And my dog, she is gullible. It’s one of her charms.