Taking The Hint
Posted by Moose on July 30th, 2008. Filed under: My brain needs a drink.Several weeks ago, I went to get a massage. It was one of those student places, where they charge the equivalent of takeout Chow Fun to pound on the knots plaguing my shoulders. You don’t get to choose what type of massage you have, so it’s a grab bag of therapeutic fun. This time, I got something called “cranio sacral.” I still have no idea what that means.
Fifty minutes later, he stopped and asked if I drink a lot of water. I drink liters and liters on a daily basis and might be solely accountable for California’s water shortage. So I nodded. “I thought so,” he said. “You have very good chi.”
I have good chi, people. I’m not quite sure what that means (or what it has to do with water consumption), but I’m taking it as a compliment. (Scrabble tip: Qi is a word! Plenty of points and it uses the “q” without needing a “u”. You’re welcome.)
He sat down next to me and said, “You also seem to have a lot of emotion that you’re protecting.” Which…yeah. Also: HOW DID HE KNOW THAT? We hadn’t said more than three words to each other. Is “Repressed Female” typed in Times New Roman across my back? Do my muscles FEEL inhibited? (Actually, they probably do.) It was like a spooky little spa fortune cookie.
I’m a crier. When I get mad, I cry. When I get frustrated, I cry. When I see a blonde cherub smearing a lollipop in his sister’s hair, I cry. And yes, it’s great fun at work. But since the breakup, I haven’t done a whole lot of crying. Or any crying, really. If I think about him or the relationship, I try to note what I’m feeling – sad, lonely, hurt, comforted only by the thought of tossing a Buick through a brick wall – and then let it go. My brain spends more time skittering away than coping. And I’m pretty sure that’s not healthy.
I need to lance the proverbial boil of my breakup so it can drain and heal properly. (Anyone eating dinner right now? Enjoy!) My spooky spa fortune cookie seemed to agree. But it’s been a few weeks, and I have yet to put any real effort into this plan. So now I’m being bombarded by reminders of my relationship gone south – messages sent from…wherever these things come from. (The post office? The Great Pumpkin? George Burns?) Exhibit A: I sent my ex’s stepmother a good-bye email months ago. She responded last week. Exhibit B: I ran into a friend of my ex on the street yesterday. Exhibit C: I got an email this afternoon from someone I haven’t spoken with in awhile – and she asked about him in her first sentence.
ALL RIGHT, FINE. I GET IT. RELATIONSHIP BOIL WILL BE LANCED POSTHASTE.
Apparently, things have to be pounded into my head with a maple Hickory bat before I take notice. Even then, my head just dents the bat. I’d like to change that. Processing my breakup so I can move on seems to be an excellent step. But I’m not sure how best to accomplish such a thing. Rend garments? Force myself to think about the dog until I weep piteously? Burn sage? If you have any wise words about Moving On and How To Do It, I’d love to hear them. In the meantime, I surrender my crown as Duchess of Repression and Queen of Procrastination.
You may henceforth refer to me as Moose of Awesomeness. Thank you.
July 30th, 2008 at 9:18 pm
I can totally relate to the part about being a crier. That is so me. I cry when I’m sad, mad, hurt, confused, scared, etc. I am most of the above right now, and yep, I’m crying. I can’t decide if it’s a blessing or a curse…lol
July 30th, 2008 at 9:20 pm
I have no idea how to move on. My understanding of it has always been a little mathematical: take one (1) crushing blow to the heart and/or spirit, apply several (many) units of time as applicable (months, years, eons), add lots (5689054 metric tons) of patience, and hope for the best. I have never been able to shake the “this too shall pass” method of coping, and I’m slowly starting to realize that while it works, it’s rather passive… and maybe taking some form of action (alcohol and/or go-go dancing, perhaps) would make these things better, faster.
I like the boil analogy. Taken to its logical conclusion, it would seem that you’re looking for… uh, damnit, I wanted to improve on the lancing metaphor, but it seems there is no such thing as Clear-A-Boil or BoilActiv, so I guess you’re just looking for a lance. I hope you find it.
July 30th, 2008 at 9:28 pm
“Looking for a lance.” Oh, so many jokes to make. None of them fit for a comment thread my mother will read. I almost want to take out a personal ad, just so I could use that as its title.
July 30th, 2008 at 9:31 pm
OK, a) I cry at EVERYTHING. I cry every time I have to deal with the Apple store, every time I’m on the phone with the UPS idiots trying to get my money back, every time I get a rejection letter from an editor (OK, maybe that’s taking it a bit far). And b) what is it with these psychic masseuses? My running buddy Autumn gets foot reflexology and based on certain nerves IN HER FEET, her therapist has been able to tell all sorts of things about her relationships. Creepy!
I’ve always referred to you (in my mind) as Moose of Awesomeness. But I think that goes without saying.
July 30th, 2008 at 9:36 pm
Dear Moose Of Awesomeness: My brother’s name is Lance and so I find this all quite amusing. Is he supposed to help you through it all?
How will this work? He lives in Canada and is, um, EIGHTEEN.
So maybe it won’t work.
Here I go, breaking up with you two posts in a row.
I SO OWE YOU MORE CANDY.
July 30th, 2008 at 9:51 pm
Here’s the thing about grieving (which is what you need to do, methinks) it comes at the funniest moments. In my world, funniest = most inopportune.
In the cold cuts section at the grocery store, when having a heart-to-heart with your boss, at the dentist.
You’ll get there. Sounds like you’re still in the numb phase. In the meantime, you’ve got cheap massages and friends who love you.
PS Kindly be passing along the name of that massage school, dearie.
July 30th, 2008 at 9:55 pm
I don’t know, I think maybe an 18-year old Canadian boy named Lance might be EXACTLY what you need. Angella, send him down here!
July 30th, 2008 at 9:57 pm
(PS: I would also like the name of that massage school. The massage places in my neighborhood are….well, not THAT kind of massage. Ahem.)
July 30th, 2008 at 10:35 pm
Thanks for that Scrabble tip. I always have to let my Q go to waste.
July 30th, 2008 at 11:17 pm
Maybe you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself. Maybe you already did your grieving long ago, and it didn’t register — you were numb to it in the waning days of your relationship. Or, maybe the relationship just wasn’t as special as you’d talked yourself into believing it was. I know, I know, it feels like blasphemy to consider it… but maybe it just honestly, at the end of the day, wasn’t really all that big of a loss after all. Maybe you’re not crying because, well, you’re just plain better off. Sure, everything’s in disarray, but you’re free to find the *right* thing for you now, and maybe that’s just plain not worth crying over.
Or, maybe you need to watch a bunch of incredibly cheesy, sappy movies. Your call.
July 31st, 2008 at 3:57 am
I hope your life has fewer tears, more pie.
July 31st, 2008 at 6:35 am
Find some music that makes you cry (may I suggest Coldplay’s “Trouble”?). Play it LOUD. Bawl your face off.
Worked for me…
xo
July 31st, 2008 at 7:10 am
i watch this silly canadian tv show called “Rent-a-Goalie” and on it everyone has a nickname…one character’s nickname is LANCE. as in, lance the boil. i laugh every time i hear it. so…there you go…a morning laugh for you.
July 31st, 2008 at 7:54 am
I also think an 18-yo named Lance might be wholly appropriate.
As far as Moving On, I think you just do what you do, try to acknowledge and feel your emotions, wallow when you need to, shrug it off when you need to… unfortunately I think the only real “cure” is time.
As an aside, my best friend has been getting cranio sacral massage for a few weeks and he’s had some hard-core emotional releases. I don’t really understand what the treatment does, but he has ended treatments sobbing because of the emotions that are brought to the surface. It’s cathartic but also weird for him not to know what’s been eating up at him below the surface without him even knowing it, you know?
Take care.
July 31st, 2008 at 8:18 am
Don’t you love it when you realize there are signs! I love signs! I wonder how many signs I miss because I am dreaming of french fries. I have no idea how to force grieving. I am the one who 4 months after grandpa died ended up crying with a neighbor in the frozen food aisle. So, I think it just happens. Although, I did just get Moulin Rouge on DVD…that makes me cry every time. Wanna borrow it? Or Under the Tuscan Sun? Love that one. My Life is for those times when I have to sob like there is no tomorrow. God, I love a good cry.
July 31st, 2008 at 8:23 am
It took me a long time for me, sorry to report. Then there would be the “there! I’m over it!” moments, only for it to come back and hit me again a month or so (or a disastrous date) later. But in between I was having a blast, and the knowledge that I did the right thing helped it along tremendously. I would suggest that now, while you’ve still got it together, you write down all the things that you’re happy about, and why you’re not devastated, so that you can read it when that boil finally breaks.
Good luck, darling. As someone who’s finally putting this sort of thing behind them, a year and a half later, I can tell you that it’s worth it in the long run.
July 31st, 2008 at 8:41 am
Make a mix tape of sad love songs.
I’m kidding . . . sort of.
I love to pound the H2O, too, but I’ve had to curb my intake in order to decrease the half dozen morning trips to the men’s room and time away from my desk.
Moose, this was a fascinating, stand-out post in a blog of consistently excellent entries. Thank you!
I’m glad to read that you have good chi, after learning about chi from watching the Jackie Chan Adventures cartoon series. That’s awesome!
July 31st, 2008 at 8:43 am
I got a cranio-sacral massage once and I loved it. Unfortunately it was a bit too expensive for me to do all the time.
As for lancing, I think the 18 year old Lance would do nicely. I agree with Georgia that there are times when I think I’m completely over something and then it will hit me all over again and I’ll be all sad and mopey-faced.
July 31st, 2008 at 9:10 am
I’m a crier too. It took me FOREVER to get over my ex and we only dated like 4 months. But I think it was because I didn’t lance the boil like I should have.
Good luck! It will get easier. I promise.
July 31st, 2008 at 9:14 am
I cried while watching an episode featured on Shark Week two nights ago. Chris may or may not have been laughing at me.
I’ve been told myriad times that there is an order to grieving, steps that come one after the other, that are supposed to slowly careen you back to Healthy and OK. I don’t know how much I believe that, as I’ve never really discovered it to be 100% truth in my experience, but I do know grieving and healing (for me) comes in waves, and when I embrace each one, be it by smiling or sobbing, I am always the better for it.
Hang in there, Moose of Awesomeness.
July 31st, 2008 at 9:35 am
I’d write my way through it. Maybe not publicly, but there would be writing. And a lot of bread eating.
And a lot of listening to sad songs and crying. BECAUSE I’M A MASOCHIST.
July 31st, 2008 at 9:57 am
Great post, I totally know how you feel.
I had a miscarriage and suddenly (a) we throw a baby shower at work for all the pregnant people (b) a friend emails for the first time since Christmas to announce that she’s pregnant, and (c) I attend a wedding at which everyone asks when my husband and I are going to start a family.
I wasn’t a crier before but I’m a convert.
July 31st, 2008 at 10:56 am
I’m a big fan of talking-to-anyone-who-will-listen. the only times i could cry during breakup ‘06 were when i was telling someone else my stories. i think it was 6 or 7 months before i had a dry-eyed session with my therapist, and even then, even after i started feeling better, i’d tear up every once in a while because i was HAPPY.
July 31st, 2008 at 11:42 am
I’m a crier, too. Especially when I am being misunderstood or, more aptly put, when I am too frustrated to communicate clearly.
Oh great Moose of Awesomeness: I recommend Sephora for that “this too shall pass” feeling. Everything looks brighter with a new lipgloss. (see also me not getting over a friendship breakup and having the shiny lips to prove it)
July 31st, 2008 at 3:41 pm
Holly’s comment made me laugh. I’ll see what I can do about sending my (tall, dark and handsome) brother to SF…
July 31st, 2008 at 6:37 pm
I don’t think there is a patent remedy for broken hearts. Sadly. The only thing that is for sure is that time will heal all wounds. Hopefully sooner than later in your case. Hang in there.
P.S. Does it make you feel better that I am a crier, too?
July 31st, 2008 at 8:52 pm
I don’t know how to get over things either. I’m a lingerer. I sort of enjoy wallowing for a bit. You had a long relationship. I don’t think you need to be in any giant hurry to just get over it. But finding yourself a good chicken fried steak might help
July 31st, 2008 at 10:48 pm
Unfortunately, I think this is one of those things that can’t be forced. Certainly a positive attitude helps, as do spending time doing things you love that have little or no connection to your ex, hanging out with friends who love you, talking a good friend’s ear off when you need to, and laughing a lot. And brownies.
And Lance might help too, or it might turn out to be a huge mistake. I had one of those fresh-off-a-breakup flings when I was in college and it started out lighthearted and fun and quickly went baaaaad for a variety of reasons and ended with the guy barely speaking to me and me having to find a whole new crowd of friends because they all decided to stick with him. So be cautious of anything other than hand-holding with 18-year-old Lances, is all I’m saying.
August 1st, 2008 at 6:01 am
Okay, the boil bit? GENIUS analogy.
I have to put a “me too” in here as far as knowing how hard it is to let go of this sort of thing and move on from it. Unfortunately, I have no good advice to give on how to cope in the long run except to give it time and don’t be hard on yourself… but for the short term I can say that watching movies like Under the Tuscan Sun – with my very good friend Mister Chocolate sitting beside me, offering his unwavering support in my time of need – always makes me feel a little better. For a bit, anyway.
Or maybe just try a dab of this stuff?
August 1st, 2008 at 1:57 pm
Also! QAT!