If You Were Original, I’d Be Your Sin
Posted by Moose on July 10th, 2008. Filed under: Nice Things.We knew Julia was planning a bouquet of vegetables for the wedding, we just didn’t know which vegetables she had in mind. Thrilled though I was when the legislation came through in time to turn the ceremony into a legally binding type arrangement, the real excitement was the farmer’s market bouquet. Speculation was rampant for months. “Do you think it will be a small spray of carrot greens? Or do you think she’ll tote an eggplant down the aisle?” I have to admit, I was voting for the eggplant. Or maybe a pumpkin.
When the day arrived, Crunchy and I drove into the Santa Cruz mountains early to fulfill our duties as Very Official Beauty Consultants – which is hilarious when you consider our respective devotion to appearance. I think I can safely speak for both Crunchy and myself when I say our general method of grooming is to use shampoo and maybe a comb before walking out the door. A hasty swipe of Chapstick marks special occasions. Which is probably, come to think of it, why Shannon and Julia chose us. I do believe the first time Shannon ever wore makeup was during the pre-wedding experiment when I attacked her with concealer as she winced and held her face away from my prodding brush. But we gamely offered our expertise, and I only blanched slightly when the eyeliner was produced. I’m proud to report that said makeup was added to glowing faces without one instance of cornea puncture or sudden apocalypse. After the brides were done, they trooped down for photos. Also known as THE GREAT BOUQUET UNVEILING. Triggering a mad stampede for cameras. (We all wanted flickr evidence.) Stepping toward the table in cinematic unison, we found a decided lack of glossy aubergines or plump, awkward squash. But I wasn’t disappointed, because check out this masterpiece:
Yes, I do believe those are onions. And radishes. And some type of kale. I haven’t checked, but I do like to think that they went home the next day, dumped their bouquets in a large pot over medium heat, sprinkled in some white pepper, and turned them into a nourishing soup.
(Dear Shannon and Julia,
If that’s not what you did, don’t tell me.
Love,
Moose)
Watching Shannon and Julia’s ceremony helped me remember what I want from a relationship – namely someone to get so uncharacteristically choked up over her vows that she can’t speak for several minutes (I’M LOOKING AT YOU, SHANNON). I don’t remember the exact text – I never caught a glimpse of the index cards they so faithfully studied – but I do know they summed up what I’d like the next time around. Love, acceptance, support. (And, of course, radishes.) So I leaned over to a friend and whispered, “I should become a lesbian.”
Flip, yes, but I was touched – even if I expressed it by implying that lesbians have the market cornered on love and acceptance (and Kitchen-Aid mixers). (Yes, I do have depth. And that depth can be measured with a toothpick.) The door prize for watching my own love life tank is a huge respect for all you lovely folks who keep healthy, happy relationships going. How can you not want to emulate that? And I’m so glad they got to make it legal, just like everyone else who loves someone and wants to gift them with better insurance coverage.
So we drank wine and composed rude madlibs for Rosin Coven to sing later in the evening. (The madlibs were a virtuoso of tipsy wedding guest creativity. Sadly, the only one I can remember verbatim is “If you were original, I’d be your sin.” Orangutans and chocolate cake also made an appearance and I’m left wondering why I don’t go to weddings with a tape recorder.) We performed a conga line through the wood chips and called it a night.
Congratulations, ladies. I look forward to borrowing your Kitchen-Aid mixer.
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July 10th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
Ahhh, heaven is a bouquet with onions. Mine all had herbs, so the maids could toss them in the pot with a chicken. It just seemed so much more fragrant…and delicious. Also, I clearly remember my rosemary wavering, since I was shivering like a whippet the whole way down the aisle. My dad said he would beat me if I fainted, which cracked me up, and I made it after all.
July 10th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
That sounds like one of the best weddings ever. Vegetable bouquet! Madlibs! Conga line through the wood chips! That right there is a trifecta of Awesome.
July 10th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
I like to say all marriage really granted me was an impossible last name and more debt. But thank goodness I was allowed to make that choice for myself. And thank goodness we’ve taken the first step to allow all people that choice.
July 10th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
Best. Wedding. Ever. I mean, edible bouquets — something I wanted and was not gutsy enough to try (OMG I AM A FAT BRIDE! I CAN’T HAVE EDIBLE BOUQUETS FOR FEAR PEOPLE WILL THINK I WANT TO… uh… EAT THEM!) — what is cooler than that? Nothing.
Except, maybe, for MadLibs. Damn, now I wish I had local friends I could call for a game.
July 10th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
Here’s a link to the YouTube video of some of the verses: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=loLK8xxzhy4
And yes, we ate the veggies.
July 10th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
Yay for weddings and lesbians and lesbian weddings! I’m so proud of our fair state.
That bouquet is so freaking cool. It reminds me of something my mom would think up but everyone would talk her out of doing because it’s “too weird.” But yay for weird! Weird is awesome.
July 10th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
Does anybody else remember that on 90210 Kelly and Brenda got vegetable boutonnières for Dylan and Brandon?
That bouquet is awesome!
July 10th, 2008 at 4:37 pm
Awww, that’s awesome and beautiful!!
As for getting choked up, I had to take several breaks during my vows before I could get through them with a clear voice. That’s a damn fine emotion to be wanting, and I wish you all sorts of luck!
July 10th, 2008 at 5:04 pm
It’s moments like this that just reinforce my opinion that the raging debates I have with my inlaws about this topic are VERY worth it.
July 10th, 2008 at 8:43 pm
Of all the unique (read: CRAZY) weddings I’ve been in, I’ve never once seen a vegetable bouquet. Kudos, ladies.
July 11th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
Eggplant? Pumpkin? Size Queen, much? LOL
As usual, I LOVE reading your yummy posts.
My BFF was a high school teacher, and I used to escort her to the proms as a fellow chaperone. She always asked me to arrive at her house early to help with her hair and make up – according to her, I have “the genes” to do that, as a gay man.
July 12th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
(And radishes of course!) Bah! Moose. I love thou. I would marry you but we’re not lesbians. Tough break. But we’ll find you a veggie-bouquet-loving groom yet.
July 14th, 2008 at 7:33 am
Comb? Comb! Must remember- comb hair! I’ve got some hot pictures of the conga line…they’ll make it to the internet soon! And some booty pictures of you, me and moose maw… ha ha ha!
July 14th, 2008 at 12:24 pm
I LOVE the veggie bouquet! Also Madlibs – what an excellent game for a wedding reception! I started to well up when I saw my now husband but my best friend leaned over and whispered in my ear – “you are not wearing waterproof mascara!” and that dried me right up. I did not want to look like Tammy Faye in my pictures!
This reception sounds like a whole lot of AWESOME rolled up into one evening! Mazel Tov to the happy couple!
July 14th, 2008 at 6:57 pm
Lovely bouquet and very apropo for a Santa Cruz wedding.
Sounds fun!
July 14th, 2008 at 8:18 pm
The veggie bouquet is so great!
Everytime I hear the phrase “Lesbian Wedding” I think of the Friends episode where Monica is concerned that making Chicken Breasts for the lesbian wedding is too cute.
Best of luck with that Kitchen Aid. I have a red one. I kiss it everyday. My husband knows about our relationship. He knows that me and my KA are a package deal. He’s slowly coming around. Hrmph..Men.
September 15th, 2010 at 10:23 pm
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April 13th, 2011 at 9:38 pm
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