Brain Wants Mac and Cheese
Posted by Moose on June 16th, 2008. Filed under: Adventures.When I was four, I had the great honor of being a flower girl. According to my mother, I was so excited that I gave myself a fever. Yes, I actually made myself physically ill from the glee of wearing a flouncy dress. She thought I’d be kicking up my little patent leather heels at the reception, but instead I clung feebly to her side, my face red and hot.
If I was a superhero, it would be due to my ability to make myself ill with the POWER OF MY BRAIN. I find this interesting. I can’t say I understand my brain, but it seems capable of quite a bit. Not advanced mathematics certainly, not even the analytic manipulation needed to refold a map properly, but it sure can take me down if I’ve over-exerted myself.
A few months ago, I decided the best way to manage a breakup and a new apartment and new bills was to…get this…find a full-time job. What did I tell you about the power of my brain? So I worked my contract job during the day, did freelance work at night, and spent weekends preparing the writing samples deemed necessary by interviewing companies. After a few weeks (maybe a month) of not giving myself any time off, my body sent a hearty FUCK YOU to my cerebral cortex and dropped me in bed, not letting me up for two full days. I took this as a sign. A very subdued sign that read: STOP, FOOL.
General wisdom states that when you’re going through a rough time, you should take care of yourself. I assume you should always take care of yourself, but eating vegetables and flexing your (somewhat nonexistent, thanks) muscles seems to become more important when all you want to do is shovel macaroni into your face and stare blankly at the TV. What’s more insidious is when I try to give myself what I need, but realize I can’t quite decode the messages if they aren’t blinking neon. Subtlety is easy to misinterpret. And I like to misinterpret things to make them say what I want them to say. Which is usually MORE MACARONI AND CHEESE.
I did a bit of hibernating the first few months post-breakup. I saw my friends and was social enough to keep my fingernails from growing long and yellowed, the better to scratch at my mossy teeth, but I shied away from new people. I’d go to parties (by “parties” I mean “a party”), but I’d either talk to people I already knew and liked or cower in the kitchen. Anything more strenuous (like a new face, THE HORROR) made me feel like plastering the back of my hand to my forehead and collapsing delicately against the wall.
For the past month or so, my brain seems to be creeping back into the WANT FUN mode, as opposed to the WANT SLEEP mode. Judging by my past few entries here, my brain also seems to be pointing out the boys. I’ve been hesitant to dive into dating – not wanting to flail about in that particular pool until I’m ready, feeling like I should maybe be sure I can pay rent beyond August before participating in any recreational activities, etc. But I think dipping my proverbial toe in the proverbial dating water might be a good idea. If that toe gets bitten off by the sharks, so be it. Who needs ten toes anyway? What have your toes done for you lately? All mine do is wiggle and knock over glasses of water. Judging by the amount of thought I just gave to my toes and their purpose (five minutes of staring off into space, if you must know), it’s long past time to emerge from my cave and into the waiting arms of the human race. (Not even just the boys. Anyone – male, female, reptile – who will expand my world a bit and who might benefit from contact with a girl who knows her way around a box of macaroni and cheese.)
By announcing it here, I’m hoping to force myself to actually do it. Instead of diving back under the bed, the sound of squawking chickens ringing in my ears.
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June 16th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
You have chickens?? Do they live in the pie cupboard? I kid.
I am happy that you are in WANT FUN mode, because we’re all going to rock “the fun” next month.
Also. Anyone who loves macaroni and cheese is a true friend of mine.
June 16th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
Oh, chickens in the pie cupboard would be AWESOME. On the list: Meet chicken farmer. Steal chicken. Stuff in pie cupboard. Act innocent.
June 16th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
Good for you! Get out there! I think it’s hard to get out of our own way sometimes (at least it is for me…quite often, actually.) But it all starts with dipping one small toe in; and before you know it, you’ll be up to your knees in…uh…fun!
June 16th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
Get this: I was actually eating mac and cheese while reading this. Woo!
June 16th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
Hooray for WANT FUN mode. Me too! I’ll be there in less than 2 weeks. We need to discuss a certain birthday celebration!
June 16th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
Yeah, a lot of the time, I just hear what I want to hear, especially when bloggers are haphazardly throwing around phrases such as “pointing out the boys.”
(and yes, please do so, *pant-pant*)
I remember the uselessness of having to figure out how to afford basic necessities, such as rent, before being able to indulge in basic wants, such as dates.
June 16th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
Fun? Boys? I’d say it might be time for another trip to the Bigfoot Lounge.
(I actually just EXPERIENCED A HANGOVER typing that. A mini one.)
June 16th, 2008 at 5:00 pm
Hurrah! I think that calls for a cosmopolitan or a chardonnay!
Stick that toe in the sharky water. If a shark bites it off, grab and it get the doctor to sew it back on.
Cheers!
June 16th, 2008 at 6:03 pm
Macaroni and cheese is always my comfort food of choice. Always. When I suddenly realize I’ve had enough, then I know I’m emerging into a happier place. I wish I lived there. I would be happy to be a new (non-threatening) face who would be willing to meet you for a drink and not follow you home or do anything remotely stalkerish or involving pepper spray. Sadly, MI is too far. But I hope your real friends take you out and bolster you up while you meet new fun folks and re-emerge to the world.
Also? I find that a nice large glass of red wine helps one move past the mac-n-cheese taste left in one’s mouth.
June 16th, 2008 at 6:25 pm
Wanting fun is good. I don’t get enough fun myself-between work, house, and hubby I don’t get many opportunities. Besides, I tend to get the “wallflower” syndrome when in social situations where I don’t know many people.
But I do love me some mac’n'chesse. A few years back I even made 6 batches of home made mac’n'cheese and 6 batches of scalloped potatoes to send to my friend’s Nat’l Guard unit that was doing a tour in Afghanistan (it was so they could have a homestyle Thanksgiving meal).
June 16th, 2008 at 6:56 pm
The Blue Box can heal like a band-aid
Can I just say that it’s simply killing me that you do not live near me–I have two things to share: Dark Chocolate Cupcakes with Peanut Butter Buttercream (redundant and necessary) and a single man friend of mine who is an amazing cook and writer, loves to read, socialize and who would be exceedingly tolerant of a woman minus some toes. Also? HOT. Also? Totally not delusional or full of madness–he was just dumped (oh he’d be thrilled I used that word) about a year ago and is just now starting to date again.
June 17th, 2008 at 5:31 am
Go Moose go!!! Who needs 10 toes anyway??
June 17th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
I am kind of alarmed by the sharks/toes/boys analogy (this is what marriage does to you), but otherwise I say GO MOOSE GO! And remind me to take a picture of my son in his moose shirt, reading his Morris the Moose book, for you.
(Those two thoughts — sharks/boys & my kid — were not actually related, but uh… I blame THE MACARONI. Yes.)
June 17th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
I love that we’re going through the WANT FUN stage together. This is way better than all the other bull shit of yore.
June 17th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
My toes also bump into large stone fireplaces, thus completely ruining their newly manicured selves and provoking a long string of profanities from the pain.
Glad you’re in the WANT FUN stage, because guess who’s big 3-0 is coming up SOON!
June 17th, 2008 at 9:14 pm
Fun? What’s that?
June 18th, 2008 at 10:12 am
Ten toes – totally unnecessary if there is FUN to be had! GO MOOSE GO!
PS – Macaroni & cheese is my favourite comfort food – that is until I comfort myself into larger pants. But since reading your post – now all I want is some Mac & Cheese. MMMMMMMMmmmmm!
June 18th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
I think it was incredibly smart NOT to start dating right away. This way, when you meet a quality dude you will be emotionally available to him–and you won’t have to worry you have mac & cheese stains on your shirt (since you are getting this most heinous dependency out of your system…right?)