Notes From a Dramatic Tuesday Morning
Posted by Moose on June 10th, 2008. Filed under: Misadventures.(Note to my mother: You might want to stop reading this now, because I’m not moving. But I might get that land line.)
I lived two blocks south of Harlem for four years. Nothing ever happened. I lived in the Mission – home of gangs and drug dealers who blocked my driveway so I had to carry my milk and tuna around them to get up the stairs – for three years. Nothing ever happened. I live in Hayes Valley – home of yuppie gay men who decorate their living rooms in gilt and hipster boys who use racing greyhounds to power their skateboards – for two months and BLAM!
(Not to halt the flow of my story or anything, but I bet my mom is still reading, so Note to my mother #2: I’M FINE. NO LASTING DAMAGE HAS BEEN DONE. Except to my favorite t-shirt.)
I had a phone interview scheduled at 9:30 this morning. Due to the particular nature of well-built walls and the hilly San Francisco topography, I can’t use my cell phone in my apartment. I scoff at the idea of getting a land line because, come on, landlines are so 1996. If I’m expecting a phone call, I just walk outside and stand in the street so I get reception. It’s inconvenient but saves me the ignominy of a phone that attaches to the wall.
So I was sitting under the pretty red flowering tree next to my front door, waiting for the phone call and minding my own business, when a girl walks up to me and without a word, blasts pepper spray right in my eyes. Have you ever cut up jalapeno peppers and accidentally touched your face? If so, you know the burn, the one that feels like one of Satan’s lesser minions has whapped your cheek with stinging nettles. Think about those stinging nettles and imagine plunging your head into a bucket of them. That’s what it feels like to be sprayed full in the face with pepper spray. By hoodlum teenage girls who should be in school reading Edith Wharton. Come to think of it, had they wanted to inflict real damage, they would have come up to me and read a passage from Ethan Frome. Far more debilitating than a little pepper spray. If any hoodlums are reading this post, consider that a tip from me to you.
I sat there in stinging shock, eyes streaming as she and her friends stroll calmly away. I called the police to make a report, and they arrived in what must have been only a few minutes, but felt like sitting through a week-long marathon of porcelain clowns on the Home Shopping Network. As I was waiting, two people stopped to ask if I needed help, one fetching me some paper towels to start mopping the wretched stuff up. Which did something to restore my faith in the non-pepper spray toting branch of humanity.
When the police arrived, they asked if the girls had punched or kicked me. In my utter naivete, I said, “Uh…do people really do that?” Apparently, they do. Which means I was lucky. I can appreciate that. They didn’t take anything from me either, which was even luckier. Kick me in the shins, smack me upside the head, but KEEP YOUR GRUBBY PAWS OFF MY LAPTOP. If they had snagged my bag, they would have gotten not just my laptop, but my wallet, ipod, house keys, and phone. Essentially everything of monetary value that I own, aside from a few rather fetching pairs of red shoes.
The cops asked if I wanted to press charges – if they caught her, they could nail her with a felony. Now, I wouldn’t mind confiscating her pepper spray and giving her a good spanking, but I wasn’t sure about felony charges. So, I shook my head no and kept mopping my streaming eyes and red, puffy face.
I was given a copy of the police report and some expert advice on dealing with the after-effects of pepper spray. Both policemen apologized and one said, “I’m sorry we had to meet under these circumstances. You’re lovely.”
Was that flirting? I think that might have been flirting. Which means I’VE STILL GOT IT. Even with a face full of pepper spray.
June 10th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
I cannot FATHOM this. I am so angry for you. I would strap them down and read Dickens to them. They would never spray another innocent person again, I can bet that much.
June 10th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
ARE YOU KIDDING ME???
That is balls-out crazy. Remind me to pack pepper spray (and possibly water balloons) when I come next month. We’ll get ‘em.
Also?
YOU’VE TOTALLY GOT IT, BABY.
(Was he cute?)
June 10th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
Goodness?!?!?! I, I, – don’t really know what to say.
I am so sorry. Although, I love that it never even occurred to you that you could have been hurt worse or robbed. You are golden.
P.S. That policeman was totally flirting.
P.P.S. I hope you were able to reschedule the phone interview.
June 10th, 2008 at 4:26 pm
That is downright crazy and unfortunate, but it sounds like it could have been a lot worse.
June 10th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
I am absolutely appalled. Pepper spray is very unfortunate and you are dealing with this situation much better than I would.
I have dealt with troubled teens in the past and known a few who would kick around a homeless person, or kick the crap out of an enemy girl, but assaulting a healthy adult stranger is rare.
I know that you have made your decision to not press charges, but I am concerned that these girls may escalate their behavior. Perhaps you should press charges, before they spray someone and then beat them up?
This may necessitate calling those cops again. Especially if they are cute. I’m just saying. (They think you’re lovely!)
June 10th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
Oh that sucks and I’m so sorry for you.
I do think you should reconsider filing charges. As qtilla said, they may think that if they can get away with it once, they’ll get away with it again. If there is a rash of random sprayings, the more people that report and file charges, the more serious the punishment will (hopefully) be. And they should be punished, felony or not.
Oh yeah, and I think he was flirting.
June 10th, 2008 at 5:05 pm
That was DEFINITELY FLIRTING.
And if it doesn’t work out with that one:
“had they wanted to inflict real damage, they would have come up to me and read a passage from Ethan Frome.” OMG I love you
June 10th, 2008 at 5:29 pm
OH. MY. GOD. I am totally shocked. WTF?? That is so insane and random and awful. Your poor eyes. Do they still burn?
(I totally would have filed charges. Big, huge charges.)
June 10th, 2008 at 5:58 pm
Dude. I am SEETHING.
I’LL KICK THEIR ASSES! ALL OF ‘EM!
June 10th, 2008 at 5:59 pm
p.s. – Um, that was definitely flirting.
June 10th, 2008 at 6:06 pm
I am freaking the fuck out over here. That is CRAZY. Crazier than crazy. I cannot BELIEVE that happened. I am speechless. I can imagine how bad it could have gotten (too much Law and Order). Why you? The harmless one? Shit….I am never coming to SF again. You all have to come to the burbs from now on.
June 10th, 2008 at 6:42 pm
Oh my. I cannot imagine the pepper spray thing let alone the fact that someone would then beat you up. Is this how the girl gangs roll in SF these days?!!?
I also thought was the cop cute but my 2nd thought was ah she was BLINDED how the heck would she know!??!
I am glad you are safe and your stuff was taken!
June 10th, 2008 at 7:47 pm
Um, owie!
BUT – WERE THE OFFICERS CUTE?!?
June 10th, 2008 at 8:04 pm
Sorry this happened to you. I hope more flirty policemen come your way without any of the surrounding drama.
June 10th, 2008 at 8:10 pm
But WHY would someone do that? It makes no sense.
(The spraying, that is, not the flirting.)
June 10th, 2008 at 8:34 pm
That pepper spray girl has some issues.
You. You’ve got yourself a policeman if you want him. I say prosecute to the fullest extent of the law and take it all the way with Officer Friendly.
June 10th, 2008 at 8:58 pm
I’m with everyone else: charges are good! I’m more afraid of the type of person who will do that than someone who will rob a bank. Bank robbers just want money. Someone who gets kicks out of causing people pain is far more dangerous.
I’m glad you’re OK. And you DID get the cop’s number, right? Call 9-1-1 for LOVE.
June 10th, 2008 at 10:24 pm
OMG, what is wrong with people!? That girl sucks. What a horrible thing to have happen. Hope your eyes get better quickly and you have a better day tomorrow. Yikes!
(And I agree w/ the rest of the commenters: he was totally flirting! Keep us posted on the status!)
June 10th, 2008 at 10:58 pm
Damn, Moose. I’m very sorry to hear this, but glad you’re OK and didn’t get ripped off. This may be a tad premature, but if you and Officer I.M. Hott ever do get together, you’re going to have one hell of a “how I met your father” story to tell your kids.
June 10th, 2008 at 11:39 pm
Wow! I’m your neighbor in the Valley. I am shocked that this happened to you. It reinforces my belief that I should carry a taser around with me.
June 10th, 2008 at 11:53 pm
I’m so sorry that this happened to you. The police will tell you that being sprayed like that pretty much ruins your whole day. I used to carry a cannister of it and occasionally would give it a test spray in the bathroon sink to check it’s potentcy. Even at a distance it was powerful.
Mind you I’ve been out of circulation since the dawn of time, but it sounds to me like he was flirting. Ask Erin though just to be sure. It’s long story but she’ll probably start out by saying “you’ll never guess what my mother just asked me.”
June 11th, 2008 at 12:15 am
I cannot believe my google chat box did not out with, “so, I got random pepper sprayed today”! But, then you would have been forced to stay and chat instead of snuggle down into your duvet. =)
That is absolutely crazy. Not unbelievable, but crazy. Too bad it was in your face. (Shan will recall an episode with a paramedic in high school when I said, “would you like me to remove my shirt?” That would have been useful in this situation. More useful than then, when I wasn’t actually flirting…)
June 11th, 2008 at 6:37 am
For sure that was flirting. I’m not sure it felt better than that elevator encounter, though. I am very sorry about the horrific circumstances. Perhaps you could think of a question you forgot to ask Officer X, whose name will certainly be on the police report he filed and gave to you, so that you could call and ask him? I hope your eyes a better!
June 11th, 2008 at 6:39 am
I can’t believe this!!! Who does this kind of stuff? I am so sorry that this happened to you. I am really glad though that they didn’t beat you up or steal any of your stuff.
And, I too, say the cop was flirting. Just goes to show how awesome you really are, catching cops with a face full of pepper spray!
June 11th, 2008 at 7:11 am
Holy guacamole! I’d have throttled the stuffing out of that wench, pepper spray and all! Though I know I’d have had to be really fast; I do know how horrible that stuff is. (I got caught in a cloud of it at an LSU game years ago… Some drunken rowdies above us were throwing their beer bottles into the crowd below. So in a stroke of brilliance, security decided it would be a fine idea to just discharge their mace into the wind in the general vicinity of the trouble-makers, like they were crop-dusting for locusts. It wafted straight down the stadium, straight over where my friend and I were sitting; it was truly awful, and we didn’t even get a direct dose.) At least it wasn’t the kind that stains your skin green for like a week, eh?
Part of me wishes you had pressed charges; another part of me knows that when the big karma wheel rolls around to that chick, she’s gonna get her payback ten-fold.
I just hope she gets hers right in the eyes, too.
P.S. That cop was totally flirting. I hope he comes back to issue you a citation for being too lovely & awesome to be allowed!
June 11th, 2008 at 7:20 am
Jesus, what a bitch. I would have totally presses charges, pepper spray is nasty stuff. I’m so sorry you got hit with it.
And that cop? Totally flirting. Men in uniform are swoon worthy.
June 11th, 2008 at 8:33 am
How horrible and painful. I’m glad nothing worse happened to you, as it seems they could have done so much more.
June 11th, 2008 at 8:33 am
OMG! No really, OMG! That’s completely not cool and I’m so sorry that happened to you. But Officer Hottie-Pants? Clearly flirting with you.
*I’m new here, so hi everyone!*
June 11th, 2008 at 8:39 am
How awful, I can’t believe anybody would do that. I hope you’ve recovered!
June 11th, 2008 at 9:03 am
I hate people.
Except for us, and a man in uniform who compliments you.
Glad you’re okay, WHEW!
June 11th, 2008 at 9:15 am
I don’t know you personally, M in the K, but I am so sorry to hear this happened to you.
Since she was on foot she might live in your neighborhood, so my busy-bodified unsolicited two cents would be that you should press charges in the hopes of learnin’ lil’ miss pepper spray a lesson before any chance of a repeat performance.
Maybe good fortune will bring around officer McFlirty for the filing of said charges. Or maybe your police report has his name. Or maybe you thought you had to call the PD and ask for him specifically to do so.
Here’s hoping you’re all better now.
Apparently comedy is indeed tragedy plus time, because your blog is a hoot.
June 11th, 2008 at 10:29 am
Um, WOW. That is insane! Hayes Valley????? Lord.
And definitely flirting.
June 11th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Well, at least this brought you back to the fine people of the Internets! Again, sucks that happened, and I’m so sorry given recent circumstances. I agree with the majority of readers, you should press charges. Hooligans (is that a mom word or what?) should get reprimanded, not go on thinking they can keep doing this to others. They need to face the consequences!
And I would flirt with you, too, if I were that cop. I’m telling you, you got game, sista!
June 11th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
WTF?! Seriously, what the fucking fuck?!
June 11th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
I’m in complete shock. Of course, I live down the street from where two cars were torched in the middle of the night last night. (and I live on a really nice side of town) Hope you;re okay. I pepper sprayed myself once making pad thai. I threw the peppers (tiny bit) into the hot oil and BAM, shot back at my face. And the rest of the dinner party that was standing around.
June 11th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
Press charges. Teenagers are not bright. Most likely, the girl failed to realize she lives in the neighborhood and will have to walk past your stoop sometime in the future where, by then, you’ll be dating the cop, then we’ll see how tough she is.
June 11th, 2008 at 4:08 pm
What the fucking fuck? Why… how… what? The hell? That is so ridiculously, pointlessly mean — not that it would be better if they had robbed you, but seriously? Pepper spraying you as, what, a hobby? What an asshole. Jesus. That sucks, Moose. I hope you’re okay. You’ve obviously a better person than I, because I would have pressed charges in a heartbeat.
June 11th, 2008 at 8:03 pm
Yes, I totally understand your compassion, but if she keeps doing it to other people would you feel regret you didn’t press charges?
In the end though, I think that the really important thing is not getting the attention it deserves…YOU WERE FLIRTED WITH. BY A HOT GUY IN A UNIFORM.
What’s a little pepper spray in the face compared to THAT???!
June 12th, 2008 at 6:25 am
Holy shit Moose! Pepper sprayed you, in broad daylight! Please rethink and press charges. What she did was assault and that shiz is not right! Landlines are good in that if there is an emergency and you can’t speak but could call 911, they can track you by your phone. However this can’t be done with a cell phone. Landlines do have some merit – jes saying is all.
Also – policeman was totally flirting with you and this way you could meet up with him again. Was he cute? Did he give you his card? Also – was he cute?
June 12th, 2008 at 9:08 am
Hi, folks.
As always, thanks for your comments.
Some clarification for you good people who are worried about the state of our streets and my favorite hoodlum’s possible life of crime: Just because I didn’t press charges at the time doesn’t mean I can’t or won’t. I was shaky and alarmed and not thinking clearly, so didn’t want to do anything while I was in such a fragile state. Now that I’m feeling calmer (and not covered in rather uncomfortable pepper spray), I can pursue this matter with some thought. That said, I don’t think my actions in this matter determine her fate. Unfortunately. If they did, she would be home eating a nutritious meal and reading Ethan Frome.
June 12th, 2008 at 9:14 am
P.S. My above comment is more for the driveby commenters who have since been deleted. Not for you lovely folk who are intelligent, well-reasoned, and smell nice. Yes, I’m talking about you.