I Should Really Put a Demonstration on Youtube
Posted by Moose on May 27th, 2008. Filed under: Adventures.I never notice men when I’m in a relationship. I don’t know if my Hot Guy-ometer sputters to a halt or if I’m just oblivious in general, but when someone makes an appreciative comment (or an appreciative wolf whistle), I always have to look up and say “Where?” I might look straight up into the chiseled visage of the man in question, but I’ll still turn to my friend and say, “Wait, where? I’m missing it.” Then I get elbowed in the ribs. Maybe it’s selective relationship-related blindness, maybe it’s a statement about the grandeur of San Francisco architecture, maybe I need a new glasses prescription, but Brad Pitt could take me by the shoulders and shake me and I’d idly reflect that the sky is mighty blue today.
You know what I’ve been noticing lately? HOT MEN ARE EVERYWHERE. Seriously, everywhere. Sure, most of them are probably gay or taken or emotionally unavailable, but they exist – and many of them are existing right outside my window. I was just putting fresh sheets on my bed and the best profile I’ve seen in years floated past. Which brings us to a quandary: my bed making procedure.
My bed is closed in on three sides, making it a bit awkward to do anything but hurl the covers in the general direction of the pillows. (See exhibit A.) So I put the fitted sheet on the bottom of the mattress, then I stick my hands in the other two corners, raise my arms above my head, and fall face down onto the bed. I attach the corners to the mattress and crawl off. Go back and look at that photo. See the window? The window where all the cute boys walk past? I’m just waiting for the day one of them turns his head at just the right moment to see a purple flannel bat flying toward him like Vengeance of the Bedsheets. I imagine him yelping in fright and leaping backward into the tree, until the purple sheet falls and I bounce harmlessly off the mattress.
That will be a good day.
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May 27th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
I am enamored of your bed-making procedure. Maybe I’ll try it out on my own bed today. It could be a good excuse to yell something like “TIMBERRRRR” or “GERONIMO.”
May 27th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
I think that the only thing most guys would clue into/care about/see would be the whole “You bouncing on mattress” part and totally zone out of the rest of it. (Hee)
May 27th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
Hahaha, I’m the same way. I walk through life in a complete haze, totally unaware of aesthetics. Not just men, but people in general. I think I’m the only previous New Yorker to never have a celebrity sighting (other than the ones I was interviewing of course). Scott and I were driving home the other day, and I notice this huge glass infrastructure that hovered on the hill behind our house. “Holy cow! When did they put that up?!” He stared at me. “Seriously??? That’s been there since long before we moved into the house.”
May 27th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
Oh, the visual! Thank you for that. I needed it today.
As for the hot men…
I am married to the best man God could have given me. He’s hot too.
That being said, I have no problem appreciated God’s other handiwork.
Ahem.
May 27th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
I had a chiseled visage once. I wonder where the hell I left that thing.
May 27th, 2008 at 9:24 pm
Wait. You change your sheets?
May 28th, 2008 at 9:32 am
Purple flannel bat? This post made me picture a spider waiting patiently in the middle of her web before ensnaring a hapless male and eating his head after mating with him, LOL.
I have the biggest sweet tooth for eye candy, even when I’m in a relationship. Luckily, I get a daily fix, here in L.A.
May 28th, 2008 at 9:49 am
Ha! I think you get extra points for style and creative execution. Plus it must be fun to have an excuse to leap on the bed like that.
May 28th, 2008 at 10:07 am
The Mattress Face-Plant! YES. I do it all the time! Mostly because our “fitted” sheets don’t technically fit our bed the way they should.
May 28th, 2008 at 11:19 am
how come there are no hot men where i live??? hmmm?
May 28th, 2008 at 11:24 am
Purple flannel bat!! Ha ha!!!!
May 28th, 2008 at 8:37 pm
Hee! The Hot Guy-ometer. Mine tends to show some activity in springtime. It’s probably just hormones.
I recently battled with some new fitted sheets. I may have to try your technique.
May 29th, 2008 at 5:16 am
you make your bed? you’re already about ten steps ahead of me, and my bed isn’t even hard to make!
May 29th, 2008 at 11:38 am
Let’s get this straight…
Available men walking past bedroom window.
Bed next to window.
Possibly, gay men, but you don’t know.
Just, if there was only a test to determine they were straight and get their attention! If only…hmmm… how could you get their attention?
Taking an advertising cue from the red-light districts, I’m thinking, a colored back-lit, shaded window and performing the “dying insect” dance you once wrote/photo-documented about in a previous entry. The projected shadow dance will turn some heads!
May 30th, 2008 at 10:44 am
Best. Post. Of the week.
I laughed so hard I woke the dog.
May 30th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
“HOT MEN ARE EVERYWHERE.”
Yes, we are everywhere.
-Simon.
May 30th, 2008 at 5:01 pm
I think you’ve found your Halloween costume for this year: Purple Flannel Bat
June 1st, 2008 at 6:51 pm
I love how modest Simon is.
I never see hot men anywhere. The end. I swear my life gets increasingly sad by the day.
June 3rd, 2008 at 2:18 pm
I completely agree about the men, moose. I am recently divorced and it’s like the veil was somehow lifted once he moved out. I am now dating a very hot marine 6 years younger than me. It took 4 dates to realize he was interested! hahahaha
I have to buy some purple sheets, btw. That is too funny.
June 13th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
*impatiently drums fingers waiting for Youtube video*
June 13th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
Okay, this made my day, thanks!
And um, the pepper spray thing? Glad you’re okay, and the hoodlum needs to be chained up in a nunnery for a few thousand hours. Or, just turned over to the nuns. Oy…