I Was Born a 53-Year-Old Schoolmarm in Support Hose
Posted by Moose on May 9th, 2008. Filed under: Nice Things.Years in a relationship will really suppress the flirting instinct. Ha! I give myself way too much credit. I never had a flirting instinct. I’d rather be writing a large check to PG&E while sitting in a gynecologist’s waiting room than step into an elevator and discover there’s a cute guy already in there.
So let me tell you about the elevator I just stepped into. Flagging energy sent me downstairs for a Snickers bar and I was poking at my wallet – for no good reason except I like to poke at things – when I looked up and saw someone already in the elevator patiently waiting for me to stop poking at my belongings and walk in. He was covered in piercings – not really my thing because, um, OUCH – but he was still easily the cutest guy I’ve seen in months. That’s how cute he was. So cute that I might have to use the word “cute” a few more times. Just for good measure and extra descriptive story-telling. Cute.
He smiled and struck up a conversation with me. Not even the uncomfortable two strangers standing in an enclosed space conversation, an enthusiastic one with arm motions. And smiles. Did I mention the smiles? The CUTE smiles?
I shuffled my green sneakered feet. I stammered a bit. I think the only thing I didn’t do was hit myself in the face with my wallet and send my glasses flying into the elevator wall.
At long last (maybe two seconds later), I managed to smile back and mumble something innocuous, something surely enhanced by my bright red cheeks. Then I wished him a good weekend and stepped out of the elevator on my floor. Only to mentally pummel myself in the head with my candy bar because doesn’t effective flirting mean you DON’T pry the elevator door open and fling yourself out at first opportunity? Should have I done something else? If so, what? DEAR GOD, WHAT? I do not understand the flirting.
I can only flirt with someone if I’ve been with them for at least two years. Then I’m a master – especially if it gets me out of doing the dishes. But as it happens, it’s far more helpful to a single girl to simper attractively at a pierced stranger in an elevator than to mark “bat lashes” in her calendar on the 2010 page and hope she still knows him.
Does anyone else detect the faint hint of missed opportunity in the air? It smells like a melting Snickers bar.
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May 9th, 2008 at 5:29 pm
I am a notorious flirt. It comes naturally and is pretty much a big part of my personality.
I flirt with everyone and everything. My cat included. Hell, if that had been me, I would have probably flirted with the damn Snickers bar.
I think you probably did a lot better than you think you did. Maybe next time you could add a “Thanks for the best elevator ride I’ve had in years! We’ll have to do it again some time!” to give an opening to him?
May 9th, 2008 at 5:33 pm
I can only flirt with boys I am not interested in. I do not know why this is.
May 9th, 2008 at 6:10 pm
Rhi–I can totally get behind the flirting with boys I’m not interested in. I mumble and act all awkward if he’s cute or..you know..showing interest.
May 9th, 2008 at 6:46 pm
Despite your feelings, I’ll bet he thought you were cute too. Because really. How could he not?
My husband did not know how to flirt and was quite nervous when we first met. But I thought it was adorable.
Having said that, I totally clam up when cute men are in elevators. And I blush.
May 9th, 2008 at 6:55 pm
I am not a flirter. I don’t mind when people flirt with me, I can deal with it okay, but I am too much of a straight shooter to flirt. This might also have something to do with the fact that my first serious boyfriend was a major flirt and also a liar and might possibly have cheated on me…so in my mind being a flirt = fake.
May 9th, 2008 at 7:21 pm
The pressure of an elevator conversation is intense on any given day. Add in a cute boy with piercings? I probably would have tossed my cookies.
May 9th, 2008 at 7:33 pm
Oh, Gad. I am way too shy and self-concious to flirt. But then again, I’ve been married for nearly 28 years now and probably wouldn’t even recognize a flirt if it hit me in the face…
May 9th, 2008 at 8:24 pm
Oh, god, I even own a book called Superflirt and I can’t flirt. It’s so hard — and, yes, it’s hardest when it’s someone cute. And then I remember those commercials where the woman walks out of the elevator with her head turned in the cute guy’s direction, a huge seductive smile on her face, and he’s completely melting, and she DOESN’T trip or ram into the elevator door before it’s completely opened, and I think, Why couldn’t I have done THAT? He would have thought THAT was cool. But I would probably run into the door or a person trying to get on, and why don’t I watch where I’m going???
May 9th, 2008 at 8:32 pm
What is this flirt you speak of?
May 10th, 2008 at 12:13 am
Have you never seen Grey’s Anatomy??? All the steamy scenes happen in the elevator.
May 10th, 2008 at 5:02 am
Smile slowly, look up at him from under slightly lowered lashes, turn half away. Then look back at him, and give him a big smile. Then, he will surely ask the hotelier if he can send some gardenias up to the charming woman in the tweed skirt…oh, wait, you don’t live in a film noir movie? Sorry. Then I can’t help you either. But I think if you watch a lot of movies starring Cary Grant, you will see many of models of how to flirt. It may be difficult to pull off some of those moves with a pierced cutie, since some of them require a level of chivalry no longer omnipresent, but it’s always worth a try.
May 10th, 2008 at 6:44 am
With a the bumbling and flaying purse, you need to work on your technique. Over the week-end, return to the elevator and practice swinging your purse like nunchucks and target the Stop button. After many successful accurate strikes, practice using your ample dancing skills to make it appear as if your striking the Stop button was an accidental fall or trip. Soooooo, the next time you step into an elevator and a cute boy is present, you can ‘accidentally’ nail that Stop button from any position in the elevator — the far corner, parallel to the door and from the far reaches behind an elevator mob! Only then my friend, you’ve mastered the elevator flirting. Well almost mastered it. After the stopped elevator though, you’ll still have to utter a few words to communicate and not look like a bumbling idiot. This separates the masters from the students.
Side note: Didn’t know what to say about your break-up. To me, it was an unexpected read that produced an audible gasp followed by a “NOooo!”. Question, so do women bounce back with the “bad boy” guy?
May 10th, 2008 at 10:51 am
I am a HUGE flirt (shocking, I am sure), but it depends on the situation. It’s also been relegated to (mostly) with my husband
In an elevator? With a CUTE guy? I’m with Whoorl. I probably would have tossed my cookies.
May 10th, 2008 at 11:52 am
Oh dear, my Snickers bar melted YEARS ago.
May 10th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
Well, at least you got the chocolate. And your skirt didn’t get caught in the elevator door…He’ll be back, oh yes…
May 10th, 2008 at 4:03 pm
You need to find a boy who is like one of those male birds on the Nature channel that puffs up and does a crazy dance and carries on like lunatic while the female stands and watches, gravely, without so much as batting an eyelash. She gets crazy back in the nest later, but that’s not fit for family-friendly TV.
San Francisco is large. You will find yourself a boy, and craziness will ensue. In the meanwhile, Snickers are a great substitute.
xox
May 10th, 2008 at 8:53 pm
Whoa.
You have a job that allows you to wear green sneakers to work?!!
May 10th, 2008 at 10:39 pm
Guys with piercings can be very nice and fun. And sometimes “not your type” is just what you need!
May 12th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
I am so with you on the inability to flirt. I think it’s because I am just too straightforward. That, and I was 25 when I was born, so I have no patience for all that tomfoolery. Lots of fun, I am.
May 12th, 2008 at 5:04 pm
I think I might have done the same, under the circumstances…and this is why we’re friends. Also? The title of this post made me snort seltzer up my nose. Well done, Moose.
May 12th, 2008 at 5:11 pm
Flirting continues to be the ONE THING I’m good at. And yet, my talents are WASTED what with this wedding ring weighing me down and all.
But I confess that I’m MUCH better at bar flirting than I am in Very Sober Situations, so I probably would have done exactly the same thing in an elevator. Because dude, if you say the WRONG THING in an elevator, you just have to sit there and stare at each other until you’re allowed to get off. TORTURE.
May 12th, 2008 at 5:15 pm
Seriously. No one! should be allowed to do anything in an elevator, that doesn’t involved riding up and down, and that really sounded a whole hell of a lot dirtier than I intended. My overall point: I am killed daily by small talk on elevators. I am SO bad at small talk. Especially in elevators. SO bad.
All of that being said, I really am sure you did great. Because you are great.
(Secret confession: I’m a closet fan of piercings. And excessive tattoos. And skateboards.)
May 12th, 2008 at 7:26 pm
You people are killing me dead with your comments. I’d flirt with any one of you in an elevator. And wait with bated breath to see if you flirted back or aimed your attentions toward the Snickers bar.
May 13th, 2008 at 7:38 am
I can’t flirt with a damn – and every time I used to try, I would spill something on me, have something between my teeth or trip over something non-existent. Now all I do in the elevator is watch Elevator News Network – I wouldn’t even notice if a cute guy is in the damn elevator. How pathetic am I! I am sure that you did great and your flirting was extraodinary AND that he thought you were waaaaay sweeter than the Snickers Bar!
May 13th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
my flirting prowess comes down to some sort of bitchy don’t-talk-to-me look (on the outside) and the mental equivalent of blocking the side of my face with my hand and mouthing “OH MY GOD” (on the inside). it’s no wonder that most of my boyfriends have started out as friends. WAY less pressure.
May 13th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
Oh, wow, I love your commenters, Moose, almost as much as I love your writing! I’m so jumping on the “I’m a great flirt when I’m not interested” train. It’s awful…I pretty much don’t even realize that I AM flirting until someone is complaining that I’ve broken their heart. And as far as guys flirting with me? Hmm…most of my adult life I have had tons of Latino (and otherwise foreign) friends. And you know the whole Latino love stereotype comes from somewhere….Latinos are just plain more affectionate in general and it’s not real flirting. So for the poor (relatively subtle) American guys who approach me on a “flirting” level, it seems normal to me, and I am clueless. Absolutely, freaking clueless.
May 14th, 2008 at 9:47 am
I fall into the category of “flirts only when flirted with” and, even then, it’s a meager attempt that always feels false. Usually, by the third date, I try to incorporate some flirtatious moves (i.e., the touch-the-arm move)…and usually I’m not thinking what I should be thinking (i.e., “hey, you’re cute.” or “haha, that was so funny, worthy of an arm-touch!”) – it’s more like, “I’m touching you! I’m touching you! I’m touching you! EEEP!” You are not alone.
May 14th, 2008 at 10:37 am
Miss, you’re in San Francisco. Charming, attractive, single man with social skills? Are everywhere. You’ll have no trouble getting going with the flirting when you need to. And they may even introduce you to one who’s not gay, so that’s a win-win situation.
May 14th, 2008 at 5:52 pm
Totally cute…by the way, remind me what the definition of flirting is, exactly because surely I have seen or done NONE of that since the mis 90′s!