Ghost in the Machine
Posted by Moose on April 28th, 2008. Filed under: Love.As I walked out the door the morning we broke up, I deleted his numbers from my cell phone. A day later, I adjusted my blog so there was no mention of a relationship on my about page and the category devoted to the dog was gone. Last night, I erased my entire text message inbox, just in case there was something from him.
When you split up with someone, you can avoid their street, the entire neighborhood where you lived together – at least until you feel confident you can run into them without it wrecking your day or your week. But in this age of devices, a person can digitally haunt you long after they’re gone.
Imagine taking all evidence of one of the most important people in your life and systematically deleting it. It’s wrenching, like you’re destroying the good things along with the bad. It’s also strangely freeing. Because the last thing you want as you move on with your life is to casually open up iphoto to download pictures of a rhubarb pie and be confronted with you and your lost love smiling together under the Tuscan sun. There’s enough heartache I can’t dodge, so why subject myself to memories of a time when our future was bright? When it held babies and Italian farmhouses, rather than stilted emails about who’s in possession of the nice green bath towel.
A few months after we broke up three years ago – yes, this has happened before, I’m almost getting good at it – the guy I was dating was fiddling with my computer when he noticed my ex’s name pop up as an administrator. He looked at me and said, “Let’s lose him, shall we?” A few keystrokes and his name disappeared.
But I never got around to filing away those photos the first time. This time I have to. Pull out the birthday parties, the trips to the snow and foreign countries, and transfer them all onto a zip drive. Put the zip drive in a cardboard box and put the cardboard box in the back of a storage unit. He belongs in memory, not on something that’s a part of my everyday life. But I keep putting it off, telling myself it’s more important to hunt down a job, spend time with friends in the park, finally set up my living room. And it is. Moving forward is more important than looking back – even if in looking back, I can put the past away.
If only pain could be erased as easily as a series of photos.
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April 28th, 2008 at 11:36 pm
I am so sorry this is so hard! You will be fine. There is cheese at the end of the tunnel, I promise.
April 28th, 2008 at 11:41 pm
I have no words. Just know that I’m thinking of you and hoping the memories lose their power to hurt soon.
April 29th, 2008 at 4:25 am
You’re very good at saying what I am feeling. Get out of my head! No, wait, don’t because I wouldn’t be able to articulate anything myself. So thank you for that.
April 29th, 2008 at 5:30 am
Wow, you have such a beautiful way of articulating something that I think everyone has been through at some point in their lives. I got married well before iPhones and digital cameras (1994 to be exact) so all I had to worry about w/my last break-up was throwing out old love letters.
This too shall pass…I’ll be sending you positive energy!
April 29th, 2008 at 6:32 am
You haven’t spoken much about this on your website, and I’ve been insanely curious how you’re doing, but not wanting to pry. Sending hugs your way!
April 29th, 2008 at 6:37 am
I totally feel for you. And you are right, just yesterday I had to ‘hide’ my former love on gmail chat because seeing his name all day was making me crazy.
April 29th, 2008 at 7:08 am
Sigh. I think about you often and hope that you heal as fast as possible.
You are all kinds of wonderful. Just wanted to tell you that
April 29th, 2008 at 7:33 am
I’m de-lurking to repeat what someone has already said just because it has always helped me–this too shall pass. Breakups are the worst and I’m sorry you’re feeling sad.
April 29th, 2008 at 7:53 am
I think it’s good that you’re deleting his digital footprint in your life. It’s a sure sign you’re moving on. Easy? No. Good? Most definitely.
April 29th, 2008 at 8:26 am
I think you have the right attitude. All the little steps that are part of moving on — you’ll do those when you’re ready. Even if you have to prod yourself, you’ll prod yourself when you know you can handle it. (But your own strength will surprise you.) Hugs from the east coast.
April 29th, 2008 at 8:29 am
I’m thinking of you.
April 29th, 2008 at 9:21 am
I know… oh, how I know.
Hang in there.
April 29th, 2008 at 9:25 am
It struck me deeply how heartache over a broken relationship is similar to the pain felt when a loved one dies.
And you are mourning a death.
Paul Zindel’s ‘Pardon Me, You’re Stepping on My Eyeball’ talks about the importance of active symbolic acts that help you move into acceptance of a loss.
Hopefully, all of this systematic deleting serves that specific purpose. Perhaps that’s exactly why it’s strangely freeing.
Does the heartache ever go away completely? I don’t think so. Does it get small enough to live with? Yes, I truly believe it does.
April 29th, 2008 at 9:33 am
These rituals can be healing, and hope they are serving this purpose for you.
April 29th, 2008 at 9:54 am
Oh, hugs to you. This is brutal, I know. We need to make a biscuit date soon! (I’ve been out of commission for the past two weekends, and I have one more working weekend this week, but then the world is our oyster, baby!)
And I’m proud of you for deleting. It took me over a year to do that.
April 29th, 2008 at 10:52 am
It’s no fun at all. My cell phone bill *still* has my ex’s name on it, although we’ve been broken up and had our own cell phone accounts for almost a year.
I deleted him from my LinkedIn connections last week.
But, I’ve still not been able to delete him from my cell phone. Maybe I’ll do that now
April 29th, 2008 at 11:14 am
Here’s hoping you get to that point–the one when running into them won’t wreck your day–very quickly.
April 29th, 2008 at 11:17 am
I find myself packing away CDs after break ups. I guess I associate music to closely with relationships.
It will get better.
April 29th, 2008 at 11:47 am
I’m glad you’re boxing up the memories, not completely trashing them. Someday, though you may not want those pictures for the reason you took them in the first place, you’ll enjoy having them. It’s been nearly 8 years, and I still have the cardboard box where I put all the pictures and love letters from my high school boyfriend. We were “that couple” that was going to be together forever, and “forever” only lasted 2.5 years. But I’m still glad I have that box somewhere.
I hope you find your way through this with as little pain as possible. Someday, it won’t hurt. I promise. *hugs*
April 29th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
This is one of your best posts. I love it. And the title.
April 29th, 2008 at 12:13 pm
CONGRATULATIONS! I am a BIG believer in deleting everything, tossing all mementos, and cutting off all contact. I also advise a move. People who try to “be friends with” the ex only end up drawing out the healing process.
Seriously, you are like a break-up genius. You’ll be over him before you know it.
And I say that as someone who was ditched after five years.
April 29th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
What a beautifully written post. You have, so eloquently, managed so say what all of us have gone through. Good for you for removing his digital fingerprints from your life and reclaiming your life as your own. Moving on is a bitch and I hope you can move through with as little additional strife in your life as possible.
April 29th, 2008 at 1:21 pm
Oh, sweet Moose. I don’t know if I’ve ever commented here before but I say, woman, you are doing the right thing. It is so hard, but I think that a clean break is the best way to go. Out with the old and on with new adventures.
April 29th, 2008 at 1:21 pm
Best post ever. It’s so honest.
When my ex of 5 years and I broke it off, it was the weirdest thing in the world to removed him from my number 2 speed dial, his face from my desktop, his photos from my dresser. For a long time, it was a like a puzzle piece was missing, and rather than erase him from my mind, that hole made his absence all the more glaring. But with time, other pictures took their place, and like a home makeover, I got used to a new lifestyle…one without him in it. It turned out to be a lifestyle of mental health and self discovery. I wish I’d known it sooner.
April 29th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
This was so beautifully written, and very poignent. I haven’t commmented before, but I feel I have to.
I broke up with my ex (The Ex, if you will) almost three years ago. At that time I put everything, all actual mementos/pictures/etc into a box and sent it home with my parents to Nebraska. I only have myself to blame if I look into while I am visiting.
However, it was *JUST the other day that I finally got around to digitially wiping him away. All pictures, all saved emails, all IM conversations, banished to a disc labeled only “The Ex Files: Vol: [his intials]” and put away with my other storage discs that contain unfinished thesies, papers from high school, and images saved for a future i won’t have with him.
It is so heartbreaking, and at the same time, utterly freeing.
Also? Now you have more time to dance around in your underwear to Kelly Clarkson (yes I’m 20-something).
Which honestly, everyone needs in life.
April 29th, 2008 at 5:01 pm
It’s hard. It sucks. The only way out is through. Perhaps in a bacon boat.
April 29th, 2008 at 6:38 pm
You are such a fantastic writer.
“Let’s get rid of him, shall we” is something you need to get screened onto a shirt. Pronto. And you can sell them on your blog. I would buy one–for real.
April 30th, 2008 at 7:46 am
If this were fiction, you would have fallen for the Comcast guy. Instead you have touched all of us with writing that is a self guided missile right to the heart. When you are toting up your self-worth, do keep that ability in mind. This is essentially a fan letter.
April 30th, 2008 at 9:55 am
That is an excellent idea, Over-Thinker!
Moose, I would buy a screened shirt, to, for realz!
And I agree with Linda: any comments I leave on this blog are essentially continuing fan letters.
April 30th, 2008 at 10:16 am
This post compelled me to comment, it makes my heart hurt just reading this. I’m totally on board with the t-shirts, much more clever than ‘Boys are Stupid’.
Take care.
April 30th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
I had to go through these same processes when my husband–seemingly out of nowhere–left me two days after Christmas one year. It turns out he was involved with someone else and she was very jealous of me.
Before i removed them from my hard drive my new (oh so wonderful) boyfriend saw pictures of my wedding. His only comment was how beautiful i looked. For a person who was so scared about the skeleton in her closet called Divorce, this unconditional adoration was–as you say–strangely freeing.
BTW I kept my ex in my phone. In case he ever calls (and he shouldn’t b/c i have a new number he’s not privy to), it will display as “Piece of Dog Shit.”
April 30th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
Thirteen years post-divorce, I have yet to open the box with all of my wedding memorabilia (personalized gifts, the knife that cut the cake, etc.). The box is labeled “Wedding Shit”.
I’m very sorry you’re going through this sad, but necessary ritual.
April 30th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
Write about it, honestly. It may not take the pain away but it will give you insight into Cause & Effect.
ADG
April 30th, 2008 at 6:49 pm
Oh, Moose. Does it help to know that I think you are handling this with far more grace than most people. (Certainly more than Ms. Abandonment Issues here. Hi! That’s me.) My heart hurts for you, Honey. Just remember that, in the history of all time, there has never been a breakup that wasn’t for the best.
April 30th, 2008 at 7:23 pm
keep stong moose! chin up and with in time all will some what pass, ive been through the same! it takes a while but a while is something you might just need!
good luck!
April 30th, 2008 at 9:20 pm
God break-ups are a special kind of personal hell, aren’t they? I wish there were a magic wand for these sorts of things. I’m so sorry, Moose. Sending warm thoughts your way.
May 1st, 2008 at 12:30 pm
i don’t know how you do it. you are amazing. so strong. i’d probably be a weepy mess and be too chicken shit to erase all the stuff i should be erasing. HUGS!
May 1st, 2008 at 1:22 pm
Very awesome are you.
May 1st, 2008 at 1:46 pm
I am so feeling this right now! My wedding was originally planned for the end of this month – now planned for EFFING NEVER (!) tyvm – and although I dutifully deleted all of our online gift registries last year, somehow REI and Crate & Barrel didn’t get the 411. I keep getting calls wondering where I’ve moved to b/c they’re trying to send promotional thank yous and emails reminding me that _we_ must be busy counting down to the “big day”. Right. I am extremely impressed with your discipline to get the memories compartmentalized (as they should be) and stay focused on moving on. I wallow, OH, how I wallow, in the self pity of it all and it helps to read about fabulous women who are just able to say f*ck it and move on to happier times.
May 2nd, 2008 at 6:36 am
I totally get it. I just broke up with someone I really cared about because I guess we weren’t “ready for each other” (his words, not mine) and to make things even harder, he sits in the office right next to mine. I can’t wait until the day comes where I don’t care about what he’s doing, who he’s with, or what he thinks. Right now, I feel like that might never happen. Ugh.
May 2nd, 2008 at 10:20 am
Wow. Moose, this is one of the best post I’ve read in a while. Sending many hugs your way, and I hope you’re feeling better soon.
May 6th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
Sadly, the only thing that makes these emotionally debilitating days easier is the passing of time and a warm blanket of friends. The “time passing” comment, I know, is cringe-inducing, b/c there is absolutely nothing you can do to make it move faster – FASTER – WHEN DOES THAT DAY COME WHEN I CAN LOOK BACK AND SAY – YES! THEY WERE RIGHT! TIME DID HELP! Because when you’re not there yet, time isn’t your closest pal. It creeps by, throwing memories, like salt, into a fresh wound. But as much as it hurts, the salt also heals.
Soon, the nights out with the girls won’t be forced events to keep your mind off of what you can’t keep your mind off of. Soon, they will be anticipated moments with lots of genuine laughs, conversations about life and how exciting yours has become, and maybe, just maybe, a time to dish, face flushed, about this really great someone you just met…the one who made your heart flutter and your pits sweat (sorry – it’s just biology)…and how, last night, in the yummy haze of a cabernet or two, he kissed you and your feet tingled. Do your best to look forward. Appreciate the past and what you learned from it, but embrace all the really bad-ass moments that lie ahead. Go get ‘em girl.
May 27th, 2008 at 6:41 pm
Sigh.
Yep.