Can’t Get Through Her Own Door With Her Own Key: CIA Recruitment Offer Rescinded
Posted by Moose on April 3rd, 2008. Filed under: Misadventures.Please forgive me for collapsing in an exhausted heap on your computer monitor. Events in the week since the Great Relationship Dissolution of 2008 have left me analyzing the pile of the industrial-grade carpet in my cube for napping comfort. Verdict: thin, scratchy cloth over cement is quite satisfactory when one’s eyelids need to be peeled back and held with scotch tape in order to stay awake.
I have many stories for you. Such as:
How I pulled the moving van into a driveway that didn’t precisely match my new address and spent five minutes trying to fit my key into the wrong door.
How my big chair got wedged and my dad had to remove the very old, very heavy front door from its hinges while mom and I cowered in the kitchen clutching our hair and visions of the $1500 security deposit danced in my head.
How utter exhaustion made my IQ, social graces, and spatial distinction abilities to disintigrate, causing me to 1. Drip french onion soup down the front of my jacket and wear it that way for two days, 2. Almost set Jemima’s house on fire by putting bread in the broiler and forgetting about it, 3. Rudely eat all the mashed potatoes. When someone puts warm, creamy spuds dotted with butter and truffle salt in front of me, how can I possibly be expected NOT to shove my head into the pot?
But all must wait until I’m rested and have the brain capacity of a plump legume (rather than a wizened pea). For now, I need to fall face down on the first available horizontal surface. Or even a vertical one. I’m not picky.
April 3rd, 2008 at 5:36 pm
I admire your restraint with only shoving your head into the pot of truffle-salt topped spuds. I probably would have clutched it to my chest and run from the room to secure location. Once reaching said location I would proceed to eat all the potatoes and then in a stunning display of lady-like manners would lick the pot clean.
I feel at this point I should confess I made mashed potatoes for myself tonight and did lick the bowl clean. And because I live alone there was no one there to judge me or demand a fair portion of the mashed potatoes.
April 3rd, 2008 at 7:01 pm
Hey there…I just found your blog from a comment you posted on another blog. I’m very new at this blog thing; in fact I didn’t even know what they were until a couple of months ago! But I get excited when I find a good one. I wanted to let you know that I really like your writing! It’s very endearing…I’m going to add you to my favorites!
April 3rd, 2008 at 7:49 pm
Mmmm….soup clothes.
April 3rd, 2008 at 8:54 pm
If you were close by, I would make you a VAT of potatoes that you could swim in.
Potatoes make everything better.
So do martins.
xo
April 3rd, 2008 at 9:19 pm
You have good friends, family, and carbohydrates…. I’m glad to see you’ve surrounded yourself with all the things that really count!
Get sleep… I find it makes life much better!
April 3rd, 2008 at 11:01 pm
Mashed potatoes with butter are good for the complexion. I pack my face in them every night.
p.s. with this regimen best not to own a dog.
April 4th, 2008 at 6:53 am
You write beautifully. Even exhausted and covered in mashed potatoes.
April 4th, 2008 at 6:57 am
Sleep. Rest. And dude, I’m going to send you some kick ass cookies.
April 4th, 2008 at 8:48 am
Mmmm. Taters. Wanna come over? We’ll do more taters than you can stand.
Or we could have sushi.
Or martinis.
Or all of them.
-Simon.
April 4th, 2008 at 9:58 am
Lucky for you (and your friends, cubemates, etc. it seems), it’s Friday! And I could totally be talked into brunch tomorrow in your hood if you were so inclined…
April 4th, 2008 at 11:47 am
forget the virtual cinnamon rolls…i’ll send you some potatoes
April 4th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
I’m too ashamed to admit just how many times I have done this. I currently live in an apartment complex I used to live in a few years ago. I’ve tried several times to open my old mailbox, have parked in my old parking spot, and walked toward my old apartment.
It’s a matter of time before my car is towed, and I am arrested for breaking and entering, and also tampering with the mail. Which I beleive is a federal crime.
April 4th, 2008 at 4:36 pm
A few months ago, I spilled split pea soup (the add water kind, it was to be my post-security snack) inside my carry-on. Right before an international flight. I smelled like soup for 10 hours. Gross!
Wishing you all the mental band-aids I have to help get you through this!
April 4th, 2008 at 6:32 pm
Okay, so the Bourne Identity, you’re not. But still, I’m pretty sure you could give him a run for his money. If not you, than for sure your dad (with his door-removal talents).
I sure hope the surface you face-plant on isn’t like a place-mat with a terrible embossed pattern b/c who the hell would want to have to explain that for days? Although, I suppose it would be a nice diversion from the Great Relationship Dissolution of 2008 questions I’m sure you’re getting. “Hey Moose, so sorry to hear about your break- WHY DOES YOUR FACE LOOK LIKE A PIZZELLE?”
In all seriousness, I hope each day gets a bit better.
April 5th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
I used to think about that when I was watching Alias; I would wonder at which point I would be fired from the CIA. I figured it would be when I ran into the middle of the street screaming “I’m in the C.I.A. I’M IN THE CIA!”
(Oh, and: watch your mailbox! The barrage of cards has begun, amen.)
April 5th, 2008 at 9:02 pm
Shoot. I just read your last few posts and am so sorry to hear about all that’s gone down. I wish you some happier days as you get settled in your new place and know that we are all thinking of you.
April 6th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
A plump legume covered in creamy spud. My god, some idiot actually set you free? He will never again find such fun.
April 7th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
Oh my gosh I need to go eat some donuts for you.
Chin up girl (just as soon as you peel your face off that flat surface).
April 9th, 2008 at 7:58 am
Truffle salt! On mashed potatoes! With butter! The only thing you could do is eat them all. I have not had this truffle salt and want some immediately. That is just to yummy sounding to ever limit yourself to just one helping.
I have ending up sleeping in what I thought was my doorway because my key wouldn’t fit (I WAS NOT DRUNK – I swear!) and then realized at 5am that I was at the wrong house. You are in good company!