My Alias is “Beached Whale”
Posted by Moose on March 19th, 2008. Filed under: My Brain Needs a Drink.I have an obsessive nature. If I like a TV show, I watch it religiously. I think about it when I should be pondering other things, like the state of the economy or maybe Sartre’s correspondence. I’ll look a show up on the internet and memorize trivia, trivia that eventually takes place of my zip code. (Trying to get gas and not being able to type in your zip code is awkward. Especially when people start honking because you’ve been staring at the pump blankly for five minutes. I always want to shout, “But I can recite the entire mythology arc from the X Files, seasons one through six!” My fellow motorists seem unimpressed.) So I try not to watch TV.
But this makes casual conversation somewhat difficult.
“Do you watch Weeds?”
(Frantic brain scan for what on god’s green earth this person might be talking about.)
“Um….Do I watch weeds grow?”
End of conversation.
If I watched Weeds, not only would I need to see every single episode, I would need to watch everything else Mary Louise Parker has ever done, read every fan site on the internet, and doodle Weeds all over my notebooks, the way normal people doodle what they hope might one day be their married name. Frankly, it’s exhausting.
Aided by a lack of cable in my early 20s and a lack of access to cable in my late 20s (in our house it’s all cartoons all the time and no we don’t have children), my no TV policy worked reasonably well – pop culture conversations aside - until I discovered this handy new technology they call the DVD. And that I can get DVDs from the library for free.
Cue a three month period in which I watched the entirety of West Wing - seven seasons, if you were wondering. Then I’d rewatch my favorite episodes. And check out the YouTube montages, scoffing at the music choice, but secretly loving the mashups of all the best scenes. Honestly, I didn’t get a whole lot done in those three months. But eventually I wrung West Wing dry.
I thought I kicked the habit. I started writing more, reading novels, participating in activities that involved people not inside my laptop. I checked out the first few episodes of Alias one rainy weekend, but didn’t get hooked. Life was again fruitful.
And then… (hangs head in shame)
I went to the library after work last Friday for some cheap “I’m sick but not really sick” entertainment. I checked out a DVD from an Alias season I hadn’t seen. (The first four episodes of the third season, if anyone watched this, um, six years ago.) It was kind of like mainlining heroin. Or at least a triple shot of really nice dark roast espresso. The plotline had picked up and Jennifer Garner was still flailing her svelte kick-boxing legs for the good of king and country and the last episode on the disc left me ready to sell my first born for the next installment. Or at least my second favorite pair of shoes. As soon as the last episode ended, I closed out the DVD window and pulled up the San Francisco library web site to feverishly reserve the next DVD in the series. I walked to the library the next morning, just in case it had already come in. It hadn’t. (Honestly, woman. Your request hadn’t even processed yet. Come on.) I walked to the library Sunday morning, just in case it had already come in. It hadn’t. Getting across the room for tylenol was a challenge. Walking to the library in my weakened state was herculean effort. Anything for a fix.
Yes, I do realize how sad this is. But I’m doing the world a favor. Better to channel my obsessive nature into a TV show than alcoholism or stalking, yes?
Now that the box set of seasons two and three are in my possession, I’m probably not going to resurface for awhile. Apparently, it’s more important to me to watch Jennifer Garner change wigs than succeed in any kind of extra-curricular endeavor. Like doing the dishes.
Do any of you get so excited about a TV show that you look forward to it all day? And doodle its name lovingly on a post-it note? Tell me I’m not alone.
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March 19th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
OH MY — this is me! I thought I was the only one who loved watching the montage mash-ups on YouTube (admittedly, I sometimes love the songs, too). I get obsessed with shows and characters. And, no, I won’t admit to which shows because that won’t help my “I promise I’m not pathetic” case.
Also, Weeds is fantastic. And it’s a half-hour show, so you won’t have to commit to quite as much time lost.
There’s a scene from the first episode of season three of Alias (or maybe second episode) and it’s one of my favorite scenes in television history.
March 19th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
Two words: The Wire.
March 19th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
I loved Alias! Bear with it, for a season or two it gets a bit sucky, but then it picks up again.
We don’t have premium cable, so we miss out on all of the HBO/SHO series. We had a friend pass along Entourage that first season and we were hooked! Now we have to wait every year for the DVDs to be released. Needless to say, the wait kills me.
March 19th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
I loved Alias TOO! I believed that if I put my mind to it, I could kick ass like Jennifer
Right now? We are obsesses with LOST (I have the first season on DVD. I could send it to you…) and The Office.
You watch The Office, right? Since you work in cubeville and all? If not I have season 1 on DVD…
March 19th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
I stopped reading the moment you mentioned Alias so that I could run here and tell you that Alias? ALIAS?!? Is the best. show. ever. I seriously obsessed about that show. I also watched it on DVD back to back to back. Seasons 1 and 2 are the best, the obsession wanes as Season 3 presses on. I know so many people who have gone through this with Alias–my husband, my friends, coworkers, my MOM AND DAD…You are not alone. We are here for you when you’re ready to rejoin society. (If you need support at the end of Season 2, you can email me. I myself may or may not have slipped into a three-day depression that involved actually CRYING over characters that AREN’T REAL.)
March 19th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
I enjoyed Alias and West Wing, but my true television heroin will always be Buffy the Vampire Slayer. No, really.
March 19th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
That’s exactly why I only watch shows that are complete and on DVD. I can’t stand to wait around for the next episode to air or become available. And forget about waiting a whole summer for the season opener. Technology has made me (more of) an impatient brat.
March 19th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
I’m repeating Nathan VERBATIM, but I was going to say it anyway. Two words: The Wire.
Four more words (well, three, depending on how you view the hyphen): My So-Called Life.
I have the DVD box set of the latter (six discs, including one that is ALL commentary. It even comes with its own special BOOK, including a note from the show’s writer about what she WOULD have done if she’d been allowed to write a second season. It’s like crack for trivia nerds like us!) I will lend it to you. You will be so hooked, you won’t know what’s happened to you. Even THIRTEEN years after I watched it the first time around, I’m STILL doodling the show’s name on my notebooks.
Also: we just went through a huge Freak & Geeks obsession, and we’ve had the same OH MY GOD DRIVE TO BLOCKBUSTER RIGHT NOW AND SEE IF THEY HAVE THE NEXT DVD habit with Six Feet Under. And of COURSE you know about my obsession with Weeds. (Watching them grow, obviously.)
So yeah. You’re not alone. Not in the slightest.
March 19th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
Hello, LOST. This is what my life has become. I watch an episode and then read every review of that episode I can find. I read the season predictions, the season recaps, everything.
I was also this way with Gilmore Girls. And 24. And Smallville. Alias is next on my list since, well, if he made LOST, I must now see everythign that J.J Abrams has done.
March 19th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
LOST-ie in the house!!!! (arms waving like i just don’t care!!)
OH! and the youtube series LG15 (blush)- (why is it so easy to admit the MOST embarrassing things on the internet?!)
March 19th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
I just realized why I love reading your blog so much: You need to be the new Erma Bombeck (may she rest in piece).
“all cartoons all the time,” YAY!
March 19th, 2008 at 8:05 pm
Uh…so the only shows anyone has mentioned that I’ve ever watched are “X-Files” and “West Wing”.
But I am the same way about “Scrubs”.
March 19th, 2008 at 8:16 pm
Aw, crap!
Did I really write ‘piece?’
I meant, ‘may she rest in pieces.’
March 19th, 2008 at 8:20 pm
All I could think watching it was, This is so me!
You are not alone. Obsessive is definitely my way of life, although I will never divulge my TV indulgences because – well- that would just be too embarrassing. I often watch movies and series with my laptop on my lap (duh!) so I can look up factoids and interesting information as I watch, and make my list of other must-sees related.
I did have to duct tape my husband’s mouth after a Thanksgiving Day indiscretion. He know too much. Next family function I leave him at home!
March 19th, 2008 at 8:21 pm
I meant “All I could think of reading it”. I’ve got watching on the brain.
March 19th, 2008 at 8:43 pm
I’m like that about Scrubs (which I own Seasons 1-6) and now Ugly Betty. I found out abc.com shows full episodes and cleared Season 2 (what’s there of it) in like 3 days, after having gotten hooked on an international flight (damn you, American Airlines!) and snorking up all the rest of Season 1 from Netflix. I get kuh-razy about the shows, like a demon. You are not alone.
March 19th, 2008 at 8:53 pm
also, quarterlife. Flew through that one in like a day and a half, amidst working and cleaning and whatnot.
March 19th, 2008 at 9:31 pm
Um, yeah, with like the 37 shows that are on my DVR queue! Though I must tell you, with your obsessive nature NEVER WATCH HEROES OR LOST. Because even when I, who am not terribly OCD in most respects, saw the first three episodes of Lost last summer, I did not leave my apartment (except from 10-6, Mon-Fri to go to work) for the next three weeks until I had seen every episode of all three seasons. My nutrition and social life definitely suffered, and Scott did not appreciate me repeatedly pushing the ignore button on my phone every time he called.
March 20th, 2008 at 3:16 am
I’ve spent my Easter break watching Sex and the City (I think I’ll get to Paris a little later today) and before that I watched the first season of Lost because it was just so long since I had watched it last, and you’ve got to do something while waiting for the season 4 DVD.
March 20th, 2008 at 6:06 am
I’m actually looking forward to Sex and the City the movie. Everytime it’s mentioned, I have to add, “Oh, you mean the movie that’s coming out on May 30?”
March 20th, 2008 at 6:18 am
Oh gosh, this was me with The Sopranos, and more recently with Heroes – except I was watching the first two seasons of Heroes back-to-back on Netflix. I recently discovered the magic of the TV category they have in their instant viewing area. Looks like I am going to be checking out this Weeds show, next!
March 20th, 2008 at 7:06 am
I used to. But now I don’t. And, honestly, I think it puts me at a slight social disadvantage.
March 20th, 2008 at 8:37 am
Gilmore Girls. And I now own seasons 1-7, so you are definitely not alone! When I finally completed my collection I decided to do a marathon where I watched the entire show from beginning to end in my every spare moment. My friends thought I had died for a month. (Also, in a shameful high school moment of weakness, Star Trek Voyager. The characters are very compelling – don’t judge me!)
March 20th, 2008 at 9:50 am
not alone.
so not alone.
lost. lost and more lost.
and 30 rock too. love.
March 20th, 2008 at 10:19 am
Dude, West Wing is like crack. In fact I’ve been in serious withdrawl since Bravo stopped airing the series, which I’d much rather watch than another episode of Millionaire Matchmaker or The Real Housewives of Orange County.
Also, waiting for that last season of Alias to come out on DVD was painful.
Oh, besides Lost you should check out Battlestar Gallactica. It sounds super nerdy but is totally awesome.
March 20th, 2008 at 10:21 am
I think both TiVo and tv-dvd have bred this obsession in me that never used to be there. Sports Night, Project Runway (checking Tim Gunn’s blog right after the show), West Wing, and Buffy have been the worst. And for a while there, when ABC family was rerunning the Gilmore Girls from the beginning, my TiVo had a new episode EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. It was like crack with fast talking. But I guess fast talking and crack might go together anyway; I don’t know much about crack.
Inevitably, like any good addiction, these binges produce a certain self-loathing. But I’m glad I’m not alone.
March 20th, 2008 at 10:30 am
I am SO GLAD to be amongst such stellar company. Truly. I want to reply to everyone’s addictions individually, but I’m too tired at the moment. I was up until 2 a.m. watching Alias.
March 20th, 2008 at 10:59 am
Alright, Moose. You’ve met your match! Go rent (if you can find it) NORTHERN EXPOSURE. Not only did I buy all the seasons, but I re-bought the boxed set and gave the other ones to my friend hoping she would join my insanity. I have a poster of “Roselyn Cafe” on my kitchen wall and have been searching tirelessly for the theme music so I can have it as the main ringtone on my phone.
Remember, “It’s not the thing you fling, it’s the fling itself!”
March 20th, 2008 at 11:04 am
Oh, my goodness. Smallville, dude. And Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. And Buffy, once upon a time. I have been soundly and completely OWNED by these TV shows, even though one of them (Smallville) is a totally sucktastic suckfest. I really thought the obsessive nature of my TV-watching was a just-me thing, so… hey, cool! You do it too!
(Do you visit televisionwithoutpity.com? Because I think you should, if you have any time that should be devoted to productive endeavors to burn.)
March 20th, 2008 at 11:59 am
I did the same thing with Alias. And then after that was over? I rented every season of 24. I didn’t even wait to see if it was at the library, I went straight to my local video store and rented them an entire season at a time.
(Discs 1-4? HA! I’ll take discs 1-12!) It was kind of embarrassing, really, when I walked in the next day (NEXT DAY!) and they practically HANDED me the next season.
I didn’t sleep much during that period of my life.
March 20th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
WEEDS!
THE L WORD!
Yup, that about covers it. But I know your pain because I’ve been known to do the same.
March 20th, 2008 at 1:14 pm
YES!!!
“Dead like me” (Only two season, dammit)
and? I watched all SEVEN SEASONS OF THE GILMORE GIRLS IN THREE WEEKS.
(I know. What can I say? I am weak)
Loved WW. One of my favorite episodes was where Josh’s ceiling kept falling down on his desk.
March 20th, 2008 at 4:28 pm
Blues_n_Roos, I have the Northern Exposure theme song. Email me and I’ll send it to you as an MP3.
March 21st, 2008 at 11:34 am
I am not that bad about this but my husband, whoa Nelly! Take Rome, for example, he marathoned it, staying up just about all night (weeknight) after downloading it (sssh!) since we don’t have anything more than basic cable. Then he will spend hours upon hours clicking through Wikipedia links about the show, about Rome itself, about Roman history, about the actors (and like you finding other things they are in), ANYTHING to continue The Fix. It’s exhausting to be a partner to this type of addiction – I feel like *I* need a 12 Step program for it! Sometimes, it can get so bad that he ruins things for me simply because I am not as addicted to the shows or movies that seep into his veins. I become the neglected spouse, warming the entire bed by myself, constantly asking him to turn down the laptop he has BROUGHT TO BED and tuning him out when he drones on about plot line I honestly just don’t care about. Don’t get me wrong, there are shows we do get addicted to together & those are fun times but very far and few between now that we are parents & someone has to get up when the child awakens in the morning and we all know it’s not the junkie sleeping off his Showtime/HBO/Wiki hangover!
March 21st, 2008 at 5:40 pm
Picture me yelling this at you:
YOU MUST WATCH FREAKS AND GEEKS IMMEDIATELY.
I nearly forced Holly to sit in front of her TV while I held her eyelids up. But then she watched it of her own free will.
And you know what? She thanks me now.
DO IT. Don’t make this get ugly.
March 22nd, 2008 at 10:19 am
buffy, weeds, torchwood, dead like me, firefly, battlestar galactica, entourage, big love, lost (I am very ashamed of this next one, but…) footballer’s wives – all watched in viewing binges that caused my circadian clock to pretty much shut down.
almost it’s better, though, to not start with a series until it’s almost over or over because then you can get all of it at once, as you are experiencing with Alias. I have stopped watching Lost, although I have season 3, and won’t watch it any more until I can just finish. I’m not really good with suspense, though.
March 23rd, 2008 at 7:24 pm
I’m like this too with Buffy, Angel, Scrubs, The Office, and Sex and the City. I get so involved in a show that after I finish, I can’t possibly think of watching anything else that doesn’t involve the characters of the show I love. It’s like betraying my best friends or something.
March 24th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
I am like this, and sadly I do not have a show right now for which I have these lustful feelings. Grey’s Anatomy used to be this way, but it’s fallen out of favor. (I mean, I still watch, I just don’t care as much). Big Love is my absolute favorite show, but with the like two year period between seasons, it’s hard to get too worked up. I’m really enjoying John Adams on HBO right now.
March 24th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
Lucky girl! Your library has TV shows? Ones from 1990 on?? I’m lucky if I can find a TAPE of The Andy Griffith Show or perhaps a scratched DVD of Dora the ExplorAH (they should totally spell it like that b/c I hate that it doesn’t really rhyme–it’s like using door and flower as complimentary words in a poem…)
What was the question?
Sex and the City was the last tv show that I watched in its entirety in less than a month (I sort of missed that HBO boat).
I second the recommendation to go rent Freaks & Geeks. Hands down milk-out-yer-nose funny.
I’m thinking about renting the Sopranos. The required time consumption may require me to quit my job. Oh well.
March 25th, 2008 at 4:50 pm
The L Word.
Desperate Housewives.
March 25th, 2008 at 7:40 pm
Dude, you SHOULD watch Weeds. It’s awesome. Sex and the City was my heroin, back in the day.
March 26th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
It’s hard for me to put into words how much I love Alias. And, oh how I have watched every episode of The West Wing and The X-Files. And if we ever get started talking about Buffy the Vampire Slayer (the WB show, not the movie) I might cry. Seriously. DON’T WATCH IT. You will be hooked, even if you think you won’t, because it’s brilliant, and hilarious and well, there I went without any prompting. Again.
Or: DO WATCH IT, you know, when you’re done with Alias, and I can mail you my boxed sets. All SEVEN of them, amen.
March 27th, 2008 at 9:43 am
You should think of investing a few dollars for Netflix. You can rent as many dvd’s as you want per month for a fee.
I love weeds, big love, lost…
BTW- I work for a cartoon network…. cat wach cartoon anymore !
March 27th, 2008 at 9:44 am
i meant * cant watch cartoons anymore*
March 27th, 2008 at 10:42 am
oh goodness. scary dude, really scary. there are many of us! i’m hooked on survivor, the sopranos, lost, and csi.
March 30th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
Is it bad that I doodle the names of the said addiction in every font I can remember? I hear you. I feel your pain.
April 1st, 2008 at 10:27 am
This is actually the reason why my husband refuses to watch shows on TV anymore – he NEEDS to know what happens next, and the DVDs provide the instant fix. There have been times when we holed up at our house for DAYS at a time watching marathon sessions of Lost, The Office, and Rome. After finishing a season we talk about it for weeks afterward, re-hashing our favorite parts and repeating one-liners (only from The Office – the one shows not so much).
While I was in college my favorite show is Felicity, and I own all seasons except for the first one. I was obsessed with Keri Russell during that time and AGONIZED when she had to choose between Noel and Ben.
April 18th, 2008 at 8:03 am
I’m doing this right now with House, M.D. Instead of using the library I’m using Netflix. And I just increased my membership to three discs at a time.
Who says I have a problem?
April 18th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
I did this very thing with Sopranos. I missed the first four seasons due to being POOR, so when I got a real job I rented them all and watched them obsessively and researched the characters, memorized the theme song…
Oddly, I did this same thing with Gilmore Girls. I have really odd tastes in shows, me thinks.
April 21st, 2008 at 2:25 pm
I am exactly like this, but about really lame shows like Monarch of the Glen or Christy. It’s awful. And I CAN’T STOP!
May 5th, 2008 at 8:51 pm
LOST! I read every piece of info out there on LOST. It’s so not normal.
September 15th, 2010 at 10:43 pm
[...] I am an unabashed nerd. When I was 16, I went to see Interview with a Vampire the day it opened. WEARING A CAPE. (Go ahead and laugh. I’ll wait.) I bought the last Twilight novel mere hours after it was released - and finished reading it mere hours after handing over my credit card to the bored clerk at Borders. My crush on Joss Whedon grows hourly and J.J. Abrams will be forever dear to my heart for the first three seasons of Alias. [...]