Wind Beneath My Wings
Posted by Moose on March 14th, 2008. Filed under: Misadventures.Have you ever felt so betrayed by an item of clothing that you whisper menacingly to it as you walk down the street? “When we get home I’m going to find blunt scissors and cut you into little pieces. Slowly. Then you will begin your new life as the business end of a toilet brush.” This is how I spent my lunch hour, clutching my skirt and inventing threats to shame a piece of cloth. (My most creative warning involved a rodent, a tractor, and a jump rope.) (The skirt was not chastened in the least.)
Those of you in San Francisco may notice that it’s a bit windy today. Now that I wear glasses instead of flotsam-trapping contacts, I’m usually a fan of wind. It lifts my hair in an invigorating manner and serves as a body shot of espresso. Unfortunately, I realized this morning that my only clothing option – besides my bathrobe or a grass skirt circa Halloween ‘04 - was an old skirt from American Apparel. One that apparently has become lighter and more aerodynamic with age.
See those longer bits on the side? Those are, as I have discovered, very effective wings. Which gleefully catch any errant breeze to lift the skirt up from where it should be (around my knees) to where I’D REALLY RATHER IT NOT GO EVER AGAIN.
Realizing that your hem is nearer your chin than your legs is barrels of fun while walking alongside a row of cars waiting at red light light in front of city hall. Worse, this skirt resisted all efforts to hold it down. I frantically clutched at the fabric, trying to bunch it to my sides, but American Apparel apparently has the market cornered on expanding cloth because the more I clutched, the more geography my skirt seemed to cover. Or not cover.
Naturally, this is the day I decide to wear cartoon underwear. (I’m whimsical, not immature.) (Be quiet.) (I can hear you.) (No, I really can’t.) (But I’m embarrassed enough already, MUST YOU LAUGH AT MY UNDEROO CHOICES?)
If you’re laughing, you’re in good company. Market Street, City Hall, Hayes Valley and the internet all bear witness to the renegade skirt. When I get home tonight, I’m chopping it up and feeding it to the dog.
March 14th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
It’s a really cute skirt although don’t tell it I said so. I want it to think we’re all just as mad at it as you are.
March 14th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
Thanks! It IS a cute skirt. I loved it – up until about two hours ago. That love was my downfall I think. I’ve worn it thin. Thin and light and liftable. As soon as I get home, I’m introducing it to the blunt scissors.
March 14th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
Oh no! When you remember this unfortunate incident, re-imagine it as your Marilyn-Monroe-standing-over-the-subway-grate moment. Glamorous! Just stay away from the sleeping pills tonight, mmkay?
March 14th, 2008 at 4:40 pm
Oh, thankyouthankyouthankyou for this Friday afternoon giggle.
But tell your skirt it’s on a time out. If it misbehaves again, it’s going on the Naughty Step.
March 14th, 2008 at 4:58 pm
I’m about to go back out into the wind to go home. PRAY FOR ME.
March 14th, 2008 at 6:17 pm
Good riddance, evil skirt.
March 14th, 2008 at 8:14 pm
Ha-aha-ha-ha-HAW! Were they Power Puff Girls undies, like Cameron Diaz wore in the Charlie’s Angels movie? Do tell!
March 14th, 2008 at 8:58 pm
I am afraid I have no pity due to your AMAZING FIGURE.
DUDE!
And?
I totally loved my “Bat Girl” underoos. I used to think they were a bikini and run around the neighborhood in them (Much to my mother’s chagrin)
March 15th, 2008 at 12:41 am
Same skirt, same problem. I live in Chicago. You know – the Windy City. Last time I was downtown holding bags of groceries in either hand and was powerless to do anything except watch as the hem billowed up and tickled my nose. Yeah, I’m dumb.
March 15th, 2008 at 8:28 am
That is the WORST! I hate those situations. And i’m with Jennie – it is, despite it’s inability to do it’s job of covering your body, a very cute skirt.
March 15th, 2008 at 11:56 am
I hate cute but non-functional clothing. Love the color, though.
March 15th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
I totally have a solution!!! Please don’t throw it away!!! Because you love color I would highly recommend sewing about 10 awesome, colorful buttons along the hem. That should hold’er down.
And sweet merciful crap, your abs are AWESOME.
March 15th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
Sadly, that’s not me in the picture. I pulled it off the American Apparel web site.
March 15th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
Aw, it looks so pretty to be so evil. Threaten to wear shorts under it. Secretly, all skirts are afraid of being turned into skorts. It’s like chopping the heels of stilettos, it crushes their magical powers.
March 16th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
I totally love the dress.. so my style.
March 16th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
I’m in such a purple mood these days, but anything that flashes my nether regions, you know, when I’m not deliberately trying to do so, is definitely going to be lost in my closet. You just never know when the wind is going gust. Blasted unpredictable wind.
March 16th, 2008 at 10:08 pm
What kind of cartoons? is the real question here.
March 16th, 2008 at 10:10 pm
P.S. I really like that skirt. I had two that looked quite similar from Guess – and not even from the 90s either! isn’t Guess a total 90s store?! – in pink and black, and both stretched out in such a way along the waistband (or maybe I get skinnier by the minute? HA! I wish!) that they were nearly sagging to my knees halfway through the day. And thus, I began to resemble a cracka gangsta, until I finally wisened up and traded them in for a tax break at Good Will.
March 17th, 2008 at 6:24 am
Oh I totally hate this. It may be why I gave up on skirts?!?! Sigh.
And cute cartoon undies are whimsical, dammit!
March 20th, 2008 at 7:07 pm
If you tell strangers that you’re wearing Batman underwear, they (the strangers) will move away. Slowly.
I do this all the time when I want a bit of privacy.
Really.
March 26th, 2008 at 7:54 pm
I’m so sorry, but that’s so funny! And you totally said underoos! I’m glad to know I’m not the only one, and glad to know also I’m not the only adult who wears underoos with prints from childhood on them!
March 28th, 2008 at 8:01 am
I have that same skirt and I have had that problem too many times as well! It’s a cute skirt, too!
April 5th, 2008 at 1:13 am
ohmi. i have this same skirt in bright orange and have noticed the exact same thing. i have to do that bend down, hold skirt at both sides and waddle around hoping it doesn’t fly up in the air.