Pat Benatar Isn’t Canadian. Nor Does She Sing “I Love Rock ‘n’ Roll.”
Posted by Moose on February 18th, 2008. Filed under: San Francisco.Prince Gomolvilas and I were both associate editors at the same small theater magazine. When I arrived, several years after he left, people were still drifting aimlessly, lost in a cruel world where Prince was no longer available to do impressions of J. Edgar Hoover tap dancing. Tears were shed. Green tea no longer had that edge. I tried to fill the gaping gap with my own soft shoe routine, but the hole, it gaped. I can tap dance but I can’t tap dance like J. Edgar Hoover can tap dance, if you know what I mean.
Luckily for the world at large, Prince once again entertains on demand. His new show Jukebox Stories: The Case of the Creamy Foam opened this weekend at Impact Theatre. He doesn’t tap dance, but he tells stories about how his sister’s (store bought) boobs bring him within range of the ever-enticing Hooter’s Employee Handbook, recites a treatise claiming Disney’s High School Musical for the Gay Canon, and hands out chocolate pudding. No, I’m sorry. The chocolate pudding was one of last year’s prizes. And I didn’t win any.
(That was foreshadowing.)
Walking in the door on Saturday night, we were handed a suspect list with our program and told to identify the culprit in the Case of the Creamy Foam. (Creamy foam refers to a pint of Guinness, if you were wondering. I was.) I had the case wrapped before the show even started. Only a woman who wears spandex leggings to pick up a 17-year-old shoving dimes into a jukebox could do such a thing. My neighbors disagreed. BUT I KNEW I WAS RIGHT.
I should have applied to the FBI, y’all. The person who yelled “Pat Benatar” won the grand prize, a set of three Juno t-shirts. Unfortunately, that person wasn’t me. Toward the end of the show, there was a hint given, a hint implying that the perp was American. Which raised some niggling doubts. “Was Pat Benatar Canadian? I think she was Canadian. I’m pretty sure that someone once told me she was Canadian. I don’t want to be the idiot who shrieks ‘PAT BENATAR’ only to have the entire audience turn to me and say ‘She was Canadian, nimrod.’ Because that would be embarrassing.”
So I didn’t. Apparently, Pat Benatar isn’t Canadian. Also, I was confusing Pat Benatar with Joan Jett. Pat Benatar never sang about picking up a 17-year-old at a jukebox. (But I’m fairly certain she wore spandex leggings.) Suffice it to say, the “Paulie Bleeker is totally boss” t-shirt went to someone else. So I’m going back to see the show again. Because not only was it highly entertaining, I NEED THAT JUNO T-SHIRT. And I, my friends, am nothing if not determined.
If anyone in the Bay Area wants to make a night of it, let me know. But if you steal those Juno shirts out from under me, I will not answer for the consequences.
P.S. If you need incentive more compelling than me and my insane yearning for a Paulie Bleeker t-shirt, listen to Prince’s word for word recitation of his sister’s My Space page. Then go erase any evidence of your existence on the internet. Especially if you’ve ever mentioned the grave importance of white teeth.
February 18th, 2008 at 11:44 pm
Oh God. That recitation was so profoundly terrifying. I mean, on one hand, I want to laugh and laugh. On the other hand, I really, really want to move to Montana so that I can be a hermit. (A hermit who won’t scare people with her pale skin in the dark.)
February 19th, 2008 at 8:39 am
Hit me with your best shot, why don’t you hit me with your best shot…fire away!
You know, I saw her rock out at Shoreline one summer. Pretty fun. Boy George just played Margate a couple weeks ago. We were going to go for the amusement factor, until we found out tickets were 25 GBP each. That made us laugh quite enough.
February 19th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
I am sorry for your loss (of the t-shirt).
No, Pat Benetar is not Canadian, but Lee Aaron is. Remember her? No? I don’t blame you.
February 19th, 2008 at 7:27 pm
The thought that Pat Benatar might be Canadian never even crossed my mind. I just assume everyone is American until proven guilty.
And that mentality, my friend, is why the rest of the world hates us. And I’m a travel writer, so you’d think I know better…
February 19th, 2008 at 7:57 pm
Don’t you wish it were the same murderer every night? That way, you can win before the show even starts. But, alas, we are much too smart. You remain on the same level playing field as all those other Juno fangirls. BEG FOR IT!
February 19th, 2008 at 8:50 pm
Ha ha ha! Was she Canadian? Hmmm.
Hey. At least you didn’t confuse the recording of “I Love Rock’n'roll” with Britney, instead. That would have been waaay more embarrassing!
February 19th, 2008 at 10:32 pm
I would totally go with you, you know, if I actually lived in San Francisco, because I would be no threat (and no help) at all, being that I am horrible at music trivia of any kind. Chris wouldn’t be allowed to come, because he knows everything about everything. Unless he was hiding in the corner, throwing the answers to us on balled up gum wrappers. That might work.
February 19th, 2008 at 10:40 pm
Schnozz: I don’t think I can ever use capital letters again. In fact, I rewrote at least five sentences in this post, just to dispense with excess capital letters. Because that My Space profile SCARED ME SO. (Oops.)
Nora: I also got her confused with whoever sings the “Shooting at the walls of heartache, bang bang! I am the warrior!” The ’80s are a bit of a blur. Too many hallucinogens. When I was eight.
C&C: I like to assume everyone is French. Keeps my life interesting.
Prince: I had this discussion with myself before I published this post. I said, “Self, What would you do if Pat Benatar was the culprit every night? And you single-handedly destroyed the mystery? HOW WOULD YOU LIVE WITH YOURSELF?” And then I figured you all were clever enough to change it up. So the case of the creamy foam remains both creamy and foamy. Yes.
Peter Varvel: itunes only had the Britney version of “I Love Rock ‘n’ Roll” for the longest time. I was about to write a letter. But then they got their collective heads out of their collective arses, and put up Joan Jett as well. CLOSE CALL, ITUNES.
February 20th, 2008 at 4:44 pm
Well my world just crumbled a bit–Pat Benatar didn’t sing that song? No wonder I couldn’t find it in the karaoke song-choice book. Phooey.
February 20th, 2008 at 11:02 pm
You really tripped out my Google Reader. I was like, Whoa, Moose is leaving coded messages for Google Reader nerds. This is amazing.
And then I get to your blog and it’s about about how you could be in the FBI and I got to thinking that maybe you really are. I mean, you’re probably like, I’m so not in the FBI, but that’s just to put us off the trail…
“I try really hard, actually”–Paulie Bleeker.