CubeBot: Activated
Posted by Moose on January 28th, 2008. Filed under: Adventures.[This post was written earlier today, during my two allotted breaks of ten minutes each. I tell you this in case your work ethic is offended. For the record, I too have a work ethic. For approximately the first three days of any new job. On the fourth it disintegrates and it's every internet connection for itself.]
I woke up this morning to a horrible, horrible sound. My alarm clock. I’ve avoided this infernal contraption for the past six months. But this morning, its wretched buzzing filled my ear, forcing me to roll out of bed like an enraged hippopotamus. Perhaps even a woeful hippopotamus. Early morning Monday woe, which we all know is one of the most heinous brands of woe. I spent most of the weekend sleeping because I was fighting off a bug, so there was no real reason for such complete discombobulation. But I was. Discombobulated and rather teary. You’d be teary too if you were trading the cushy self-employed life of waking up whenever you pleased for Cubicle Robot, henceforth to be known as CubeBot. Freelancers pay for their freedom in heart-pounding trips to the mailbox where you frantically feel every crevice for a check that was supposed to arrive a month ago. CubeBots enjoy a regular paycheck in return for spending the best part of their waking hours in a fluorescent-lit cubicle.
If you’re an extra special CubeBot, like me, you get to put your ham sandwich through a metal detector.
But I get ahead of myself. (Writing this post is bringing on English Lit major Tristram Shandy flashbacks. Tristram Shandy is a loquacious fellow, and takes something like nine volumes to tell the story of his life. He doesn’t get to the part where he’s born until volume three. Much like this post. Because I’m still waking up, and will be for several more paragraphs.)
7:30 a.m. is an uncivilized hour, maybe even an ungodly one. It’s certainly an hour I haven’t seen from anywhere but the back of my eyelids in a very long time. And there’s a good reason for that. My brain doesn’t tolerate functions more sophisticated than Breathing: In and Out Again or Heart: Beating until at least 10:00 a.m. At 7:30, the best I can do is curse feebly because we’re out of milk. I found some plain yogurt for my grape nuts, but do you know what yogurt does to grape nuts? It produces wet clumps with alternating dry patches. It was like eating kitty litter for breakfast – after the cat has used it.
I was vastly relieved to make it to work in time – frisked ham sandwich and all – because I’d woken up in a cold sweat at least twice thanks to anxiety dreams about sleeping through my designated work start time, being summarily fired, and having to pay my American Express bill with monopoly money. That’s not true. I didn’t even make it to the fired bit. The thought of being late on my first day was enough to wake me up at 4:00 a.m. and 6:00 a.m., shivering in horror. There’s a word for people like me.
While we all ponder what that word might be, I need to make some keen observations on dehydration and the hallucinations it can incur. There is water in the office, but during my Cubicle Tour, where I observed a number of long-term CubeBots, pasty specimens who sigh a lot, I was told firmly that the bottled water is for the Water Club. Apparently, there’s a water club here, and I am not a member. I AM NOT A MEMBER OF THE WATER CLUB AND I AM THIRSTY. I hope there are no similar designations on the tap, because, if so, I just rudely flouted them by filling a stolen cup with sweet, sweet water. Perhaps I should’ve chosen a cup that wasn’t so readily identifiable. An office with a Water Club is an office that would castrate me for using someone else’s pink and yellow plaid cup. (See: hallucinations. Pink and yellow plaid cups can’t possibly exist, can they?)
Now that I’ve complained for multiple paragraphs, it should be noted that everyone has smiled at me, which is a rare and lovely thing on Monday morning. I’m learning which Latin phrases should be italicized and which shouldn’t. I got a badge, which exempts tomorrow’s roast beef from the indignity suffered by today’s ham. My supervisor showed me around the neighborhood, pointing out City Hall (which I knew), the Asian Art Museum (which I knew because I saw the sign), and the San Francisco Library (which I didn’t know and might never have guessed). She also pointed out the cheapest Thai sandwiches and the nearest good coffee. Bless her and grant her soul release from the dehydrated carapace of the CubeBot, amen.
Hey! I just got my first work email. The sender tells me he’s just put some chocolate sea shells on the cabinet next to Kevin’s desk. So please excuse me. I need to go figure out who Kevin is.
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January 28th, 2008 at 10:23 pm
Coincidentally, tomorrow is my last day (possibly ever, here’s to hoping!) as a CubeBot. I couldn’t be more excited (not to rub it in), though I’m afraid not having cubemate confidantes anymore might be bad for my waistline – in lieu of cube-hopping to complain to friends about the trials and tribulations of cube life, I’ll be lamenting my lack of cube friends to my cupboard instead.
So hurry up and get done with your cube job, so I can have a daytime friend and don’t run the risk of becoming obese. Please and thanks.
January 28th, 2008 at 10:33 pm
Congratulations on your new, hopefully gainful, employment! Since you’re now an official Cube Dweller, I think you might enjoy this website called Cube News. Oh, and you might want to consider joining the Water Club … especially if it’s prepared hot with caffeine in it.
January 28th, 2008 at 10:34 pm
I would like to sympathize but I have never worked a cube. Just heard the horror stories. Although with all the stories in the papers lately I don’t think a hospital was a better choice. Here is to a great first week!
January 29th, 2008 at 4:48 am
ahhh the days as a cubebot. Really, everyone is pasty and sighing heavily and possibly typing up TPS reports and kicking the photocopier. Thank God for an office. Sweet, sweet bliss, I tell ya.
Have a wonderful first week and be sure to get acquainted with Kevin solely for the chocolate.
January 29th, 2008 at 6:23 am
Cubes aren’t so bad if there’s chocolate. Though the water club sounds freaking scary. What happened to the good old-fashioned water cooler? Where do you go stand and gossip about each other?
January 29th, 2008 at 6:31 am
the money quote, imho, “If you’re an extra special CubeBot, like me, you get to put your ham sandwich through a metal detector.”
January 29th, 2008 at 7:42 am
Poor hammy, what did he do in life to be treated with such indignity? And, for the record, your entry made me think for several minutes, very hard, about how a hippo might feel waking up in the morning. Grumbly, I do believe.
January 29th, 2008 at 8:34 am
Oh. My. God. I know 7:30 a.m. really is not that early, but I feel like I’m dying. Send coffee.
Re: Water Club. There IS a water cooler. But it’s not provided by the office, so I assume one must pay to play. As it were. Which is fair enough. Tap water and stolen cups for me.
January 29th, 2008 at 9:54 am
I used to be a CubeBot, then an OfficeBot, so I hear where you are writing from.
Just THINK of all of the blog fodder, though
January 29th, 2008 at 11:00 am
I’m sorry, I am just WILDLY AFFRONTED by the Water Club. The audacity! Free cold water is the single greatest thing about working in an office — you finally get to drink your eight glasses a day. And now you’re telling me you have to be a member of some CLUB to enjoy the biggest office privilege there is? Free cold water is a RIGHT! You don’t need no stinkin’ CLUB. What, do they have membership dues and quarterly meetings and such, where they discuss whether they ought to move from Dasani to Deer Park? I’m so offended by even the CONCEPT of a Water Club. What’s next — Water Wednesdays, where you’re only allowed to drink from the tap if you’ve said the magic password?
January 29th, 2008 at 11:06 am
omg… that has all the makings of “Haiku Tunnel” If you ever want to see the funniest ‘art-film’ about life as a temp – starring then rent it. So GREAT.
my favorite line from this post:
“It was like eating kitty litter for breakfast – after the cat has used it.” Never.eating.grapenuts.again…
hang in there – your first pair of new shoes will TOTALLY validate all of it. btw – you must keep me posted re: Water Club. I’ve been a cubeBot now longer than I haven’t been a cubeBot… and I’ve NEVER heard of that one… ha!
ooh and take the big D’s advise and becareful about how much work fodder becomes blog fodder…
January 29th, 2008 at 11:07 am
oh oops – Haiku Tunnel stars Josh Kornbluth – he is hilarious….
January 29th, 2008 at 11:10 am
Yes but still, I’m judging those in the Water Club.
I wake right about when you do. And everyone says it gets easier–come the weekends you won’t be able to resist rising before 8AM. Screw that, if I could, I’d sleep until noon DAILY.
January 29th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
Omg. I feel just a tad guilty for being so amused and highly entertained by your tribulations!
You wrote all that in two ten-minute breaks?
Color me impressed and awed!
Why does this post make me feel like a penned-up barn animal who is wistful over another’s former freedom of frolicking openly in the green, green (if not lucrative) field of Freelance Farm?
Hopefully, there is a silver lining in which to luxuriate and feel smug, such as consistent income and the relief of being able to be more savvy and efficient about paying bills!
(and, yes, I agree: keep focusing on that first pair of new shoes! Ah, the sweet bliss of Feng Shoe!)
January 29th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
water club??! seriously?
i work in an office with cubes. it sure is quite the adventure around here. in my office, pretty much no one talks to anyone. except for my co-worker and i. we stand by my cube and gossip and mock people. it’s good fun. i’m off to find out if WE have a water club around here…
January 29th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
Camels: Congratulations on your last day of work! In mere months, I will be free again and we can cavort merrily in the fertile green fields of freelancing. Or something. Whatever we do, it will involve lots of coffee and self-imposed deadlines. (I might give you a whiffle bat with which to beat me over the head if I ignore my self-imposed deadlines.)
Heather B: I totally forgot about the copier kicking opportunities! Sweet!
Superblond: I HAVE FOUND THE CHOCOLATE.
Nothing But Bonfires: I AM AN AMERICAN AND I DESERVE FREE BOTTLED WATER FROM MY PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT. Homie don’t DRINK from the tap. (Well, no. Apparently I do. When I get thirsty enough.)
Catwalker: I bought my first pair of new shoes already. Not only before I got my first paycheck but before I EVEN STARTED WORKING.
She Likes: I admit to be doing a bit of WC judging myself. Judging is fun.
Peter V: Don’t feel guilty – my (pseudo) trials and tribulations are entirely for your laughing pleasure. Full disclosure. I wrote the rough draft of this post in my two ten minute breaks. I fiddled with it for at least another half hour (probably longer) when I got home. Because nobody wants to read my rough drafts. I am a firm believer in the editorial process.
Ali: If you do have a WC, find out what the initiation rites are. I suspect Sacrificial Lamb. (Unfortunately, Safeway was out.)
January 29th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
Two 10 minute breaks and a half hour edit? That’s still very impressive. It takes me roughly l5 years to string about 500 words together. Poorly. Strung, that is.
January 29th, 2008 at 5:38 pm
Cat: The edit was probably more like an hour. I lose all track of time when I’m trying to decide how many sentences in which to use the word “woe”.
January 29th, 2008 at 5:57 pm
The whole concept of the Water Club is making me tear up. I think you should call the NAACP.
January 29th, 2008 at 9:22 pm
Dude, you had me at Tristram Shandy. Not that I could quite finish reading it when I was studying for my MA exam. Who can read that many pages of pre-born drivel in a single day, I ask you? But any CubeBot who can invoke Tristram in all his delights–in 10 minutes or less, no less!–must be a CubeBot worthy of promotion. And you can tell your bosses I said so.
January 29th, 2008 at 11:21 pm
First, Congratulations! My your paycheques be plentiful and often.
Second, oh God. Reading this made my mouth go dry with fear. Do you have people who come bursting into your cube braying “NO LAUGHING!” anytime someone in the office has a chuckle? No? Or a co-worker who follows you to the bathroom because she wants to ensure you wash your hands THREE TIMES because she always washes her hands THREE TIMES you just can’t be sure they’re clean otherwise, wait–I SAID THREE TIMES! No? No one like that? Well then, I have some old co-workers I can lend you. NOT THAT I’M BITTER. And, uh, not that this is about me.
Anyway. Congratulations! [shuffles off, ashamed of outburst]
January 30th, 2008 at 1:35 am
Just don’t let them take your stapler.
February 4th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
Congratulations (on the paycheck thing) and commiserations (on the alarm clock thing)!
March 27th, 2008 at 6:00 pm
We have Water Club too. I was not aware that anyone else called it Water Club. Ours is somewhat more important as our water comes out in various shades of orange, brown, and gray. Good times, good times.
But do you have Secret Snack Club? When snacks are spotted in any given location, Snack Club members must call and notify their snack buddy, who in turn calls their snack buddy etc. etc.