Oh Heavy Tree, Oh Heavy Tree, How You Do Shift Earth’s Gravity
Posted by Moose on December 13th, 2007. Filed under: Holidays, Photos.I love Christmas. I’m embarrassed to admit how much, because you would edge warily away, afraid I might wrestle you to the floor and shove your protesting head into a sequined Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer sweater. Rest easy, because I am fresh out of festive holiday apparel. I might ply you with fresh gingerbread cookies and spiked eggnog, but I consider that endearing and friendly. If you don’t consider that endearing or friendly, well, you probably have svelte thighs and a firm grasp of how to stop stuffing your cheeks with honey-baked ham.
We cut down our Christmas tree last week – yes, cut it down. No pansy Christmas tree lots for us, we are hardy pioneers who venture into the wilderness in a sedan and triumphantly haul a fresh-cut pine back to civilization. Like last year, I learned that trees look a whole lot smaller in the great outdoors than they do in the living room. This year’s tree is so big it shifted the center of gravity on my car. In fact I think it was bigger than the car itself. Observe:
Um, it doesn’t look quite as big as I remember. But it was HEAVY. My flexing pioneer muscles were sorely tried as we dragged the tree up the steps to the door. There may have been tears. Hardy tears, but tears nonetheless. As expected, the dog was no help at all. She sniffed around the tree, because trees in her world tend to contain squirrels, and when she didn’t find any, she flopped down on the carpet and went to sleep. Thanks, dog.
Later that rainy eve, when all had recovered from the strain of tree wrangling, I strung the lights, adhering closely to my patented Light Stringing Formula For Maximum Twinkle. Well, I should say, I stopped the person who was stringing the lights, possibly with a piercing shriek, because he was doing it WRONG. I am generally quite forgiving of household procedures that don’t strictly adhere to my own personal rules, but the mis-stringing of Christmas tree lights is a step too far.
So I took over. Possibly with further shrillness and banishment to the couch.
Later, I stepped back to admire my handiwork and realized that my Patented Method had failed. The top third of the tree was completely light-less, because I couldn’t reach it. I felt a certain smugness radiating from the couch, but I valiantly ignored it. I pulled down the lights, fetched a dining room chair, and restrung them. Halfway through, I realized that we didn’t have enough lights for this arboreal monster. So, like any stubborn pioneer faced with hardship, I gave up.
A few days later, I came home and the lights had been fixed for me. By enterprising light fairies, no doubt. Which brings me back to my love of December. When else do your unfinished household tasks get magically taken care of while you’re off drinking fizzy white wine with friends and eating green Thai curry? NEVER, THAT’S WHEN. Especially if toilet scrubbing is involved. (I imagine there was a certain amount of enjoyment in fixing my tree bungle. But I still hold that any method not the patented Light Stringing Formula for Maximum Twinkle is WRONG.)
Yes, my love of Christmas is well-documented. I wrote my senior thesis on Christmas celebrations in the 19th Century (truly). I reread A Christmas Carol every year (jolly Victorian London, complete with starving waifs and abundant horse droppings!). Then I watch the muppet version (if you’ve never seen Kermit in a top hat and are tolerant of Michael Caine singing, I recommend it). I plague the airspace with carols, I shove my face into the tree so my nostrils can enjoy maximum piney freshness. I loudly observe how pretty lights from the tree look in the glass of the liquor cabinet. In short, I am obnoxious and I love every second of it.
Brandied ‘nog, anyone? You’re safe in accepting. At least until my shipment of sequined holiday sweaters arrives.
December 13th, 2007 at 8:04 pm
Oh, it’s BEAUTIFUL! I’m weeping with Christmas joy.
December 13th, 2007 at 8:41 pm
Spiked nog… I’m in!
And that pic of the tree on the car, with a quick look, it seems like the tree crushed the car! I could not stop laughing, but when I did and realized it was just the door open, I felt… well… like i had too much to drink again!
December 13th, 2007 at 9:48 pm
I’m too damn lazy to put up any lights, on a tree, the front border of our roof, etc.
I’m not completely Scrooged out: I still enjoy “John Denver and the Muppets, a Christmas Together.”
December 14th, 2007 at 7:31 am
You can ply me with fresh gingerbread cookies and spiked eggnog anytime! I must say, I’m so happy that you went and cut down your own tree. That is my favorite Christmas tradition. My husband doesn’t really care either way, but I definately want to pass it down to our daughter. I also will probably be the one stringing the lights on the tree, because again, my husband=ambivalent. I guess I should explain that he is from a different country and never really celebrated Christmas. So sad.
December 14th, 2007 at 7:32 am
Ooh! I forgot to say how pretty your tree is!! Very sparkly.
December 14th, 2007 at 8:11 am
Pretty tree! You might die if you saw our tree as a 12-year-old decorated most of it. Let’s just say it’s a little cattywhompussy.
December 14th, 2007 at 9:32 am
Oh Chirstmas, how I do love you. And your tree’s so pretty! Due to frequent moves and small apartments, my tree is shorter than my knee – but it is prestrung, so I don’t have to worry about the twinklege. And I would. A lot. At my parents, before they wised up and bought a prelit tree, I would rearrange the lights daily. It’s fun! Well, for me at least. Maybe not the other occupents of the house.
I’ll trade you some spiked eggnog for some spiked cranberry apple cider! I’ve never actually tried eggnog, the ‘egg’ part of it always worried me. I will also commence retaliation of any festive sweaters with my horde of earrings. If you don’t have pierced ears, this might be a particularly gruesome fate. If you ply me with that gingerbread though I might give in. Actually, I’ll definitely give in – yum, gingerbread. Gingerbread with the Muppets. Gingerbread muppets! Quick, we have a holiday hit on our hands…
December 14th, 2007 at 10:38 am
Since I was born with a supressed bah humbug gene, that only came out as a young adult, I can’t totally get behind the christmas joy you have… but there’s something very familiar about all of your descriptions from my childhood. Thanks for letting me live vicariously through you.
With hope that someday my Christmas Joy gene will battle the Bah Humbug gene…
CW
December 14th, 2007 at 11:27 am
I am interested in learning more about your “patented Light Stringing Formula For Maximum Twinkle”. Care to share? A quick how-to?
Because your tree? It is zee gorgeous. V pretty.
December 14th, 2007 at 11:33 am
I know every word to every song in the Muppet’s Christmas Carol. Perhaps we could put on some sort of performance? With costumes?!
December 14th, 2007 at 2:23 pm
I love that you cut your own tree down. Did you drink cider, too? Or take a tractor-drawn hay ride through the snow? I haven’t cut down a tree since I was 4 (technically, I wasn’t the one to cut it down, just FYI), back when I lived in Seattle. Good memories.
December 14th, 2007 at 6:11 pm
Remind me to never volunteer to help hang the lights
My roommate would get like that with the decorations. It looks great though and thank goodness that holiday elf was there to help while you were out and about.
December 15th, 2007 at 3:55 pm
I missed cutting our own tree this year, but alas, we had to go wee sized to keep Iggy from destroying it, and thereby unleashing The Ghost of Christmas Wrath.
But I, too, am obsessed with lights, and lighting the tree just so, so much so that Shannon said our tree this year looked “like a big blob of lights.” Amen.
(We are totally watching Scrooged, The (original) Grinch and Miracle on 34th Street on Christmas Eve. And! Christmas cookies. I really can’t wait.)
December 16th, 2007 at 6:43 am
When I first saw that tree I thought it FELL on your car, so anything after that was just…um…egg nog.
December 16th, 2007 at 11:02 am
I LOVE Christmas as well. I start playing carols in November!
So this post spoke to me. Except for the egg nog…I’m not a fan.
But everything else about Christmas? AWESOME.
December 21st, 2007 at 3:32 pm
Beautiful tree! And although I too love Christmas, I don’t love Christmas carols. But everything else I could jump on board with.
December 31st, 2007 at 2:24 pm
Belatedly dropping in to say that I, too, love Christmas so much it embarrasses people. Hooray!