If I Blog About Jesus, Will He Show Up Too?
Posted by Moose on November 20th, 2007. Filed under: Daily, Uncategorized.The internet black hole – the one that chewed on my head and considered swallowing me whole – has found me unworthy of its discerning black hole palate and spit me back out again. I am profoundly grateful and only slightly bedraggled. And feeling like the worst sort of internet tease for posting a Part One and rudely failing to follow it up. I’m like Cousin Sybil, the six times removed relative who isn’t even actually related to you but keeps showing up on Thanksgiving anyway, even though you moved the celebration to an entirely different state just to avoid her, because she tends to start stories with “THIS ONE TIME? THAT I HAD TOO MUCH TO DRINK?” and then promptly falls face-first into her soup. That would be me.
I will soon return to my story of the broken vagina, but feel it my civic duty to warn all you charming people about writing on the internet: DON’T DO IT. Once you brag, boast far and wide that you’re cured! Your vagina is once more whole and a sparkling example of feminine plumbing! You know what will happen? IT WILL BREAK AGAIN.
I kid you not. Fuck. Or, um, not.
I am tempted to experiment with this new thesis, this BLOG IT AND IT WILL COME mojo my url seems to wield, under controlled scientific conditions. If I talk about Martin Luther King Jr., will he return to earth and guide us all toward a city of light and lollipops? How about a million dollars? If I talk about a very large sum of money, will a dump truck full of hundred dollar bills drop unceremoniously onto my head?
That would be awesome, because my first port of call is Project: Find Money. Money To Pay The Absurdly Expensive Doctor For Aforementioned Condition That I’m Kind Of Wishing I Hadn’t Mentioned Right About Now. It’s a long header for my to-do list.
My mom, brother, and I were playing cards this afternoon when my brother pipes up, “Hey. Are we ALL unemployed?”
Yes. Yes, we are. But my brother is a seasonal fire fighter and my mom is enjoying a well-deserved retirement, so I’m the only one who qualifies for the Officially Lame certificate of merit. Ever the nurturer, my mom did attempt, “No. You’re self-employed.”
Self, your pay SUCKS. But the hours rock.
So, yes. In a stunning upwardly mobile type move, one that is sure to impress people at my ten year college reunion, I’m staying with my mom for awhile in good ol’ San Jose. I’m getting lost a lot. San Jose is a complex web of baffling streets, ones that lead you on a gas-guzzling dance of Utter Lostness. This morning, I was driving around (THE NEIGHBORHOOD I GREW UP IN, BUT LET’S NOT THINK ABOUT THAT) looking for the whimsically named Monsieur Bean. I found it on Yelp, as a place that proffers internet access for my job search in exchange for $1.75 cup of sweet, life-sustaining brew. I drove up and down, up and down (AN AVENUE I KNOW WELL, BUT WE’RE STILL NOT DISCUSSING THAT), yelling “Monsieur Bean! Where are you, Monsieur Bean!” at my windshield. In an accent. Because accents are fun, especially when you have your own car and don’t require your fellow bus passengers to shuffle nervously and wonder if you’ll ask them for money and/or pee on their shoes. I finally found Monsieur Bean. In a place I had visited at least THIRTY TIMES PREVIOUSLY. One of which was last week. Bastards changed the name on me and I never noticed.
But Monsieur Bean won my forgiveness by putting a sign on the register that reads “Unattended children will be given a double-espresso, brownie, and a free puppy. You have been warned.”
Which means that if I had a kid, my life would be perfect. I could set the little rug rat loose in Monsieur Bean, read my novel for awhile, and then show up to collect my free snack and new puppy.
November 20th, 2007 at 7:37 pm
I am sorry for your ailment, but on the upside, you got to write “I will soon return to my story of the broken vagina,” which you don’t really get to do every day.
November 20th, 2007 at 7:56 pm
welcome back! I was missing my daily moosey entertainment. Hope your lady parts are back in working order soon.
November 20th, 2007 at 8:36 pm
Ohmygosh, it’s a real phenomenon, I swear. I blogged about how great my life was with my nanny / Mother’s Helper, and how I had all this great BALANCE and boom, she quit THE NEXT DAY.
I wonder if it works in reverse? If we blog we’re really poor, do we become millionaires the next day?
Also, gaaaahhhhh. I’m so sorry
(
November 20th, 2007 at 9:03 pm
OH MY GOD. I am laughing so hard, I just got silk nog up my nose.
You didn’t notice the ghastly orange walls when we were in there?
I hate to tell you this, but ALL those times we’ve met there for the last 2 years, that’s what it’s been.
I do adore you anyway!
November 20th, 2007 at 9:48 pm
Totally blogging about how I never-ever-ever win the lotto tomorrow then buying a ticket.
In fact, drunk at a party on Sat I think I told EVERY attendee that we should all totally leave the party and go buy lotto tickets. Pomegranate martinis rock my socks off.
November 20th, 2007 at 10:12 pm
Oh! Oh! Oh! You are SUCH a tease! May your broken bits heal and, erm, prosper soon.
November 20th, 2007 at 11:26 pm
You should totally blog about Fraggle Rock.
(I’m sorry! Maybe some bad 90’s love rock will put everything right again? Come to think of it, that might only end in tears. Of laughter. Which, hey! that could work too. Maybe?)
November 21st, 2007 at 7:07 am
Hmm, well that sucks but it is interesting how writing something down can make it happen. I never believed that until I started writing stuff down and finding that indeed, good OR bad, things happened. I guess it is probably a good idea NOT to write down the kinds of things that we do not want to have happen to us but then what the hell do we write about… Conundrum…
Ah, and also does that mean that since we had that discussion about both of us being from SJ that I will also end up back in SJ (because OMG I seriously would give my eye teeth to be back in CA some days, even San Jose
I hope SJ is not too bad and that the stay with mom is short lived (as delightful as I am sure it is!)
Love the coffee shop sign!!!
Happy Thanksgiving!
November 21st, 2007 at 9:37 am
I’ve seen that sign and seriously thought about leaving my kid alone in that place, because how awesome a prize is that? He and I could both use espresso and brownies and puppies!
November 21st, 2007 at 10:25 am
Aw man, I was hoping the absence of the next installment meant you’d won the lottery and were rolling around in piles of money somewhere.
November 21st, 2007 at 1:52 pm
The Power o’ the Blog Mention is a mighty force. If I blog about how my kid doesn’t sleep through the night, the next night she’ll start sleeping through. If I blog about how I’ve lost 15 pounds, I then gain 5 the next day. If I blog about my ugly old van, a new one shows up the next hour (RIGHT?! Please say I’m right).
Hope you feel better down there, and quickly!
November 21st, 2007 at 3:05 pm
Sex is over-rated. As I get older, I much prefer a sandwich…
November 21st, 2007 at 3:23 pm
Thanks, guys! I’m just lucky I can throw my credit card at the doctor and yell “FIX ME!”
I’m glad to see you all have proper respect for the bloggy force. A web address can manipulate the fabric of the time space continuum. Apparently.
Milo: I may have spit mint tea on my computer screen. Maybe. And I tell you, this afternoon’s grilled cheese sandwich remains unmatched as sensory experiences go.
November 25th, 2007 at 4:44 pm
dang. hoping for hoohah healing.
November 25th, 2007 at 8:42 pm
The driving up and down the street near where you grew up? I am also a member of that club. So, at least there’s two of us who aren’t really the directional type. Solidarity, sister!
January 11th, 2010 at 8:35 pm
Hiya
Just wanted to say hello as im new here and i hope i can meet some nice people on this awesome forum !
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